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Football fans near nirvana; pleated pants dealt a blow

Welcome to the Around The League End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the NFL. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.

It was a good week for ...

1. Football fans: Patriots vs. Broncos and 49ers vs. Seahawks? On the same day? For the right to go to the Super Bowl? Yes, please.

2. Jim Caldwell: Was he the Lions' first choice? Nope. The second? Maybe not! But Jimmy's back in the big chair, and he ended up getting arguably the most attractive gig on the market. Not bad.

3. Omaha: Big week for the largest city in Nebraska. Before Peyton Manning's snap count, Omaha was best known as one of the crappier teams in "Bases Loaded" on Nintendo. Oh, I'm literally the only person in the world who made this completely insane connection? Whatever. You do you.

It was a bad week for ...

1. Percy Harvin: A lost season slips deeper into the abyss for Harvin, who was ruled out of Sunday's NFC Championship Game on Friday due to a concussion. Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised after the beating he took against the Saints.

2. Pleated pants: Jim Harbaugh was the No. 1 sales driver of this unfortunate pant-leg design. His wife stepped in, moving the Niners coach to the more acceptable flat-front tan khakis look. Fun fact: 97 percent of men who prefer the pleated look also refer to their pants as "slacks."

3. Kellen Winslow Jr.: Dude.

What the What?

Here's the upshot of a predictive tattoo: A local news affiliate might do a story on you. That could lead to your name popping up in a few sports blogs, where jerks like me will make a few B- jokes at your expense before the comment section assassinates your character. If you're lucky, the perpetually stoned kid at 7-Eleven will give you a Slurpee on the house.

The down side is fairly apparent. Barring expensive and painful laser removal surgery, you become best known as the guy who made a really bad life decision. You're now this guy. What is that guy going to do with his life now? There are no girlfriends. Anywhere.

NOW, here's the right move if you really want to go this route. It's going to seem like stupid, borderline offensive advice, but I assure you it is legitimate.

Wait until your team wins the Super Bowl. Then get the tattoo. After that, tell anybody who asks that you got the tattoo in December. Hell, say you got it during training camp. Or two years before that.

HOW WILL THEY EVER KNOW? Lying is sometimes underrated.

The Titans are adorable

The person running the Titans' Twitter feed in the hour before Ken Whisenhunt's introductory press conference was like a kid on Christmas Eve. FUN FACTS became the only way to pass the interminable 60 minutes.

So much information!

Tweet of the week

Speaking of adorable.

Quote of the Week, Part I

"I know a lot of people ask what Omaha means and it's -- Omaha is a run play, but it could be a pass play or a play-action pass depending on a couple things: the wind, which way we're going, the quarter and the jerseys that we're wearing. So it varies, really, play to play, so, that's -- there's your answer to that one."

-- Peyton Manning, who managed to make "Omaha" more mysterious after explaining what it meant. Scientist genius uncle.

Quote of the Week, Part II

"If players are scrambling around to learn a new system, good. That's another fire in their rear end."

-- Tom Coughlin, being kind of gross without realizing it

Hero of the Week: NFL-obsessed pastor

Can you go to Hell for this? If he made it home in time for kickoff, I suppose you could argue it was worth it. On a (barely) related note, here's Homer Simpson in Hell, flummoxing the Ironic Punishment Division.

Villains of the Week: Teams ignoring Wade Phillips

I don't want to work for a league that doesn't have any use for the Son of Bum. Get it together, NFL. Wade Phillips makes life better.

Read Option(al)

"Championship Sunday preview" -- Marc Sessler & Chris Wesseling, NFL.com

Two of my esteemed colleagues provide a detailed look at this weekend's games. They also predict the final scores, which should obviously be taken as fact.

"The ever-changing New England Patriots' offense" -- Gregg Rosenthal, NFL.com

The Boss goes year-by-year in breaking down how the Patriots' offense has evolved through the years under Bill Belichick. I think the Pats got themselves a keeper at HC.

Until next time ...

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