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My fantasy team would make the ultimate Bond villain

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Don't worry. The new Bond girls are on the "Like" side.


 

I've cycled through my running backs like a producer goes through Bond girls. And the worst part: There isn't an Ursula Andress or Barbara Bach in the bunch. Instead, it's a bunch of Denise Richards and Lynn-Holly Johnsons. (And for the record, "For Your Eyes Only" is the worst Bond film ever.)

I'm just one Jill St. John away from competing.

Oh, before we begin, here's a welcome to the newest Bond girls for the latest film, "Skyfall:" Naomi Harris (awesome) and French actress Bernice Marlohe.

With that out of the way, I'm offering you my likes and dislikes for the coming fantasy week and more. That's right, Facebook won't give you a dislike button, but I certainly will. And this all will be presented to you in a random, meandering style, which has been glowingly referred to as "teenager on crack chic." Bolded names are my likes and dislikes.

Too many disclaimers? You can always check the rankings, but that's a terrible way to waste the final hours of your work week.

And without further ado ...

All right, Matt Cassel was a little disappointing in Week 9. But this is a new week and a new matchup against the Broncos, who have given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks. Cassel has thrown for eight touchdowns in five career games against the Broncos, so start him. …

If injuries and poor performances have you in a bind for a flex starter, go with Ben Tate. You typically don't play handcuffs, but Tate has topped 100 yards in two of his past three games, and the Buccaneers have allowed the fifth-most points to fantasy running backs. Slide Tate into your flex spot ahead of DeAngelo Williams, Brandon Jacobs and Pierre Thomas. …

Many of you on Twitter have asked if Wes Welker is doomed for Revis Island. Remember, Welker had five receptions for 124 yards against the Jets in Week 5. He's also had a touchdown in two of his last three games against the Jets. Don't over-think the matchup here. Start Welker. …

Some have asked about sitting Tom Brady. I wouldn't. If you look at Brady's numbers against the Jets, he's traditionally had his numbers improve the second time around facing Rex Ryan's defense. Brady had 326 passing yards and four touchdowns in his second go at the Jets last season. …

I'm coming around on Marshawn Lynch. He's still listed in the dislike column (look up and over). But I'm predicting the Seahawks to upset the Ravens, and watch, during the 1 p.m. games, we'll get a game break about Lynch making some monster run like he did against the Saints in last season's playoffs. I still won't recommend Lynch more than a flex play, but it wouldn't surprise me if he has a double-digit game. …

I probably was one week early on Jackie Battle, but I'd start him this week. The Broncos are tougher against running backs than you probably imagine, but the Chiefs will be playing from ahead and running. …

Willis McGahee faces the Chiefs, who have allowed the sixth-most points to fantasy running backs. Who knew that having two good hands wasn't important in football? …

DeMarco Murray must start for you. I asked Brian Billick on "NFL Fantasy Live" if Murray has earned the right to be the No. 1 guy in Dallas, and he said yes. And then he told me to stop name dropping. …

Santonio Holmes has been somewhat disappointing, but he'll get it going against the Patriots. He's in my top 10 of receivers. …

I haven't come to the point where I'd put Julio Jones ahead of Roddy White in my rankings, but we're getting close. …

I wouldn't put Jordy Nelson over Greg Jennings, either, but Nelson starts on my team. …

A number of the Rank Amateurs want to put DeSean Jackson on the bench. I feel all of you. Jackson has become one of those old-school WWF jobbers like S.D. 'Special Delivery' Jones. We always cheered S.D. when he walked down the aisle, but we just knew Big John Studd or King Kong Bundy was going to crush him. (Actually, Bundy did bury Jones in WrestleMania I.) And that's what this season has been like with Jackson. We continue to start him even though we should know better. But here's the deal: Good teams needing a win find a way to get it done. The Eagles have to beat the Cardinals. So this is going to be a great day for all Eagles offensive studs. Jackson will have one of his best games of the season. …

Speaking of old-school WWF jobbers, here is my list of the best: Iron Mike Sharpe, the Brooklyn Brawler, Barry O and Bret Hart. (Just kidding, I know that Iron Mike Sharpe wasn't a jobber. Still kidding, please, Bret Hart fans, it's just a joke.) My new favorite jobbers are Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler. I hear you wondering why Bryan and Ziggler should be considered jobbers, but when was the last time you saw these guys win on TV? Ziggler is the U.S. title holder, and he loses to Zack Ryder every week. The sooner the WWE puts Ziggler in a high-profile angle, the better. But I should be careful what I wish for. If Ziggler was any more high-profile, he'd be jobbing to John Cena. Ugh. What's worse, Ziggler could be in a Cena movies. …

It's now time for low-end No. 3 receivers you should play in a pinch if Hakeem Nicks' injury is getting you down:

Eric Decker is growing on me after recording touchdowns in consecutive games. He's topped 10 fantasy points four times this season. …

Steve Breaston led the Chiefs with 11 targets against the Dolphins. …

Laurent Robinson has scored touchdowns in consecutive games and had five targets in relief of Miles Austin in Week 9. You could do worse than this guy. No, seriously, you could be playing Jason Avant. If you played Avant last week and beat Michael Fabiano, for instance, consider yourself lucky. …

Michael Jenkins could have a good day against the Packers, who allow the fourth-most points to fantasy receivers. …

I like Jonathan Stewart against the Titans, who have given up the eighth-most points to running backs. He's a solid RB2 this week, and the only thing I can say is be good, Johnny. …

Be good, Johnny, that sounds like a song. Oh yeah: Go out and buy " Contraband: The Best of Men at Work." Somebody tried to pass off Men at Work as a one-hit wonder, which is completely laughable. That's akin to saying Adrian Peterson is a one-hit wonder. The Australian band has more hits than you realize and is one of the best groups of the 1980s. But what is the preeminent Men at Work Song? " Overkill?" " Who Can it Be Now?" " Down Under?" " Overkill?" " It's a Mistake?" or " Overkill?" I still feel like I'm missing one. So #talkaboutit on Twitter. …

BenJarvus Green-Ellis torched the Jets in Week 5. I'd play him over LeGarrette Blount. I'd play Rashard Mendenhall ahead of both of them. …

Jake Ballard has scored at least eight points in four of his last five games. And he was available in a good chunk of NFL.com leagues earlier this week. I imagine that's changed by now. …

I didn't start DHB this week because I dislike playing non-superstars on Thursday nights. Unless you have Aaron Rodgers starting or something, I take a pass. So I will go with Thunderlips' receiver, James Jones, who has scored a touchdown in four of his last five games. Jones also plays in the evening game on NBC, so use him as insurance if you're sweating out Nicks' injury. …

The Bengals are good on defense, but I still like Antonio Brown, who has led the Steelers in targets for three consecutive weeks. And we all know Mike Wallace stole his touchdown last week, right? …

Speaking of that Sunday night game, sporting events used to be the only thing I'd watch on TV live. Not anymore. I start watching the 5 p.m. game on NBC but pause it at halftime to watch the 6 p.m. East Coast feed of " Dexter," which has been amazing. Colin Hanks is a super creep in his role. My quick theory is Edward James Olmos isn't alive, and he is Hank's dark passenger. Look at the parallels between him and Dexter. Serial Killer. Sister does good. Both have a dark passenger riding with them. ( SPOILER IF YOU MISSED LAST WEEK) Once Dexter kills Hanks, he'll realize how wrong it is to listen to an evil part of his psyche and turn back to his dad, Harry, after his brother causes him to be destructive. Who else was surprised to see Dexter's brother return? Crazy. …

" Homeland" is awesome, too. But I watch it after the second half of the NBC game. …

Tim Tebow continues to put up fantasy points. My starting QBs No. 5 through No. 12: Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, Matthew Stafford, Tebow, Cassel, Tony Romo, Carson Palmer and Eli Manning. …

That might have come as a surprise to you, but Cam Newton is my No. 4 quarterback this week. So yes, I'm starting Newton over Brees. …

Rhetorical question: "Do I play Chris Johnson?" Yes, you do. …

Optimal salary-cap league team: Newton, Foster, Murray, Calvin Johnson, Julio Jones, "Victory" Cruz, Jimmy Graham, David Akers, and Chiefs. …

One thing about Calvin Johnson: Why can't receivers wear numbers in the 20s? I'd love to see Johnson wearing No. 21 like he did at Georgia Tech. …

Speaking of 21, have you seen the new trailer for " 21 Jump Street?" It's a comedy with Jonah Hill. I don't care for thin Jonah Hill -- well, thinner. He looked better as a husky guy. But I laughed out loud consistently at the trailer. I typically dislike remakes, but going at it with a comedic bent -- like " Starsky and Hutch" -- is a good idea. Seriously, this looks hilarious. Best of all, no Ashton Kutcher!

 
Matt Schaub has a decent matchup against the Buccaneers, who have yielded the 12th-most points to fantasy quarterbacks. But the Bucs have allowed the fifth-most points to running backs, so expect a heavy dose of Texans running to limit Schaub's value. Houston runs the ball 53.1 percent of the time, and I expect it to be even bigger this week. I own Cassel and Schaub in two leagues, and I'm rolling with the Chief. …

Here are some of the flex guys and other curtain-jerkers I'd rate lower than Tate: Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, Marshawn Lynch (hate the matchup), Jimmy Starks and Donald Brown. I really hope I'm not over-thinking this. …

I'm staying away from the Steelers' defense, so I'm leaving Cedric Benson on the bench this week. Nobody has gone for double-digits in fantasy points since Ray Rice and Arian Foster torched the Steelers earlier this year. But again, the Steelers need to win this game. Benson suffers. …

Beanie Wells -- despite a good matchup -- will be on the fantasy pine against the Eagles. Wells has scored fewer than five fantasy points in two of his last three games and just doesn't look right physically. The Eagles have been tougher on running backs in recent weeks, so sit Beanie and look for other options. …

I don't like Anquan Boldin this week. He's talented, no doubt, but the Ravens were so geeked against the Steelers, there is no way this team will be motivated to play against the Seahawks. I'm sitting all of my Ravens this week, outside of Ray Rice, and you'd be better off doing the same. …

Shanahanigans. …

Don't get me started on Roy Helu. Sure, Mike Shanahan says Helu is going to be the starter. But when you put that through the Shanahanigans' translator, what it really means is Tashard Choice will get 28 touches. I'm over it. We're getting to the point where I don't even rank Redskins players anymore. …

People who say "Helu" like this "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeluuuuuuuuuuuu." We get it. You all like "Seinfeld" or "Mrs. Doubtfire." But here's a little comedian's trick that can help you in life: Before you try to say something funny, ask yourself, "Is this something Chris Berman would say?" If the answer is yes, well, then there you go. ...

Speaking of Berman, does anybody believe him and Jessie Palmer really hang out together? And if they do, there's no way they're going to Applebee's. But going back, do you think Berman has Palmer's number in his phone? Doubtful. I can almost imagine the commercial shoot when something like this:

Berman walks on the set, "Hey kid, Chris Berman."

"Yeah, I know, I work with you at ESPN."

"Makeup department?"

"No, I'm a college football analyst."

"(Contemplative) Palmer, Palmer, Palmer."

"Dude, I played for the Giants. I was on ' The Bachelor.' You used to sing Robert Palmer's 'Addicted to Love' when you did my highlights."

"Oh, right, good to meet you, Jimmy." (End scene)

Sure, I might have thought too much about it. …

Here is my list of quarterbacks ranked No. 13 through No. 20: Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, Schaub, Jay Cutler, Mark Sanchez, Joe Flacco, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Red Dalton. No need to start any of those guys. …

The Steelers will beat the Bengals, but it will be close. Roethlisberger has struggled against the Bengals in the past, throwing for just three touchdowns in his last five games. This is a must-win for the Steelers, so Ben does just enough to win but doesn't put up great fantasy numbers. …

Flacco has struggled the past two years in weeks after beating the Steelers: He had 196 passing yards and no touchdowns against the Broncos last year, and 137 yards a touchdown and three picks in 2009. Sit him against the Seahawks. …

I'm starting Larry Fitzgerald. Let's get that out of the way. I don't want you to tweet or put something in the comments that says, "You're sitting Fitz?!?!?!" No, I'm not sitting him. But I dislike his matchup. Receivers covered by Nnamdi Asomugha have been targeted just 19 times this season. And they don't do so well. I'm starting Fitz, but I don't like him. …

Here's the list of tough cornerbacks and the No. 1 receivers they could be causing problems for this week: Ike Taylor ( A.J. Green), Cortland Finnegan ( Steve Smith), Joe Haden (Brandon Lloyd). The bummer is you can't sit any of these guys, but just get ready to have your hopes dashed. …

And you might ask yourself: Does Rank really dislike these guys? I do. They ruin fantasy leagues. If they were really cool, they'd allow those receivers to run free so we could score more points. I'm only half kidding. …

The obvious follow-up for some of you is, "Why don't you sit one of those guys?" And here's the CliffsNotes answer: No. 1 receivers are No. 1s for a reason, and they're typically pretty good. Even if Fitz is covered by Deion Sanders, there's a chance he breaks at least one. I'd rather go down with my stud receiver getting 4.63 points against the alternative of benching my stud and having him score two touchdowns. Trust me. …

You're tempted to play Jason Hill this week; I can just feel it. But don't do it. Seriously, Blaine Gabbert is the quarterback. Seriously, this is the kind of "Smithers, massage my brain" moments where you can over-think your lineup. Seriously. Did I say seriously enough? …

Some IDP help: Avoid those big-name, shutdown corners. They do nothing for you because the ball never goes their way, meaning no interceptions, tackles or passes defensed. …

I had a question this week asking if I would flex Reggie Wayne or Kellen Winslow. There was a time that would be a no-brainer. Is it sad that I have to stop and think about it? I hope Wayne gets another opportunity with another team. He's a free agent. Is there any doubt he ends up with the Patriots next season? …

The time has come to drop Josh Freeman, as he's not worth even a matchup-based start at this point. Freeman struggled against the Saints, who are besieged by injuries. I caught a break by missing on him in the draft. Part of the problem is Freeman's decision-making process. The other is the lack of weapons. Are you kidding me? Mike Williams South has done nothing. Preston Parker was a one-time sleeper. Arrelious Benn is talented but has done nothing. …

The 49ers' defense has been pretty stout, so you wouldn't play Ahmad Bradshaw even if he was healthy, which he's not. I'm still going to pass on Brandon Jacobs, too. This 49ers' defense is no joke. …

I'm not a fan of the San Francisco 49ers. If there was one team that ruined my childhood, it's the Boston Red Sox. I would say Boston Celtics, too, but Magic owned Larry Bird and that dopey Kevin McHale, so I look at them like Coke looks at RC Cola. But the 49ers were right there, too. With all of that said, the 49ers aren't getting enough love for their 7-1 start. I hate to admit it. But for all of you who already have placed the Packers into the Super Bowl, take a look at what the 49ers are going to do to the Giants this week. I'm not saying the 49ers can beat the Packers, but it's laughable this team is seemingly disregarded. Thankfully, Elliot Harrison gets it right in his power rankings. ...

Listeners of "The Dave Dameshek Football Program" are familiar with the on-going debate about the greatest basketball player of all time: Magic vs. Michael Jordan. Take any side you wish, but how do people continue to dismiss what Magic did on the court? I just don't get it. People knocking Magic act like I'm saying Michael Cooper was better than Jordan. I don't get it. …

I'm closing the door on 49ers tight end Vernon Davis. He's fantastic in his role as blocker and general badass. But his fantasy production just doesn't match. I'm starting Brent Celek over him this week. I don't feel good about it, but I'm reaching at this point. …

I also considered Scott Chandler before thinking better of it. The Cowboys do allow the second-most points to tight ends, but Chandler is too all-or-nothing to really do anything for me. He had just three targets last week. …

And since I'm talking about University of Iowa alumni (or at least fans), WTS Ashton Kutcher? The star of " Two and a Half Men" took to Twitter on Wednesday night to express outrage about the ouster of Penn State coach Joe Paterno. "How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste," Kutcher wrote to his 8 million followers. Oh, and then somebody clued Kutcher as to why Paterno was fired. Of course, Kutcher recanted and apologized. And here I thought his dumb-guy act on TV was just an act.

 


 

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