Tom Brady is slow as hell. We all know this. It's a trait as clear and defined as his rocket arm, expert field vision and supernatural accuracy.
To the layman, there is small comfort to be gained seeing Brady -- whose greatness has become almost robotic as the years have progressed -- chugging toward a first-down marker on those rare occasions he scrambles out of the pocket. Brady runs like a dad, which makes sense seeing as he's, you know, a 39-year-old father of three.
I don't want to overstate things here (I'm about to overstate things here), but, in a way, Brady's glacial footspeed tethers him to the rest of the human race. It's as endearing as it is reassuring. I need this stuff to avoid Westworld-like system glitches.
So yeah, we all agree Tom Brady is slow. Right?
"Don't tell my mom that, because she would totally disagree with that," Brady said with a smile on Wednesday, according to The Boston Globe. "She thinks I'm very fast. She says, 'I think you're the fastest person on the field.' I say, 'Mom, you are crazy. No way.'"
Two things: 1) Moms are the best. I'm going to call mine today and you should do the same with yours. 2) Tom Brady is not fast. I have statistical data to prove this. According to Next Gen Stats, Brady has maxed out at 16.63 miles per hour on runs in three starts this season. Earlier today, Around The NFL Podcast cohort Chris Wesseling tweeted that Raiders punter Marquette King was clocked at 21.35 mph on his botched-punt-turned-first-down-gallop on Sunday.
Brady would get smoked by King, and many other punters, in a footrace. Because he's slow. I'm right, Mrs. Brady is wrong. And that's OK -- mothers see these things from a different perspective. Call your mom.