Thanks for your patience regarding a week without manliness -- I had to take a mulligan, but the time has come to throw the helmet back on and rub some dirt on it. Wait, that came out wrong ...
Justice League of America
One of the most worn-out football clichés is how the left tackle has to be able to operate "on an island." It may be hackneyed, but the whole "island" concept got a brand new coat of paint last Sunday night.
Talk about marooned. Leaving Winston Justice in that game felt like watching a manager keep a rookie pitcher in the ball game after a 12-run inning. Cruel. Maybe even scarred-for-life stuff. It wasn't only Justice's first start, it was in prime time.
You mean to tell me the Eagles don't have some grizzled, multi-purpose veteran to toss in there? The utility player version of breaking the glass in case of emergency? And how bizarre was it to watch Philly's offense melt down one week after a hugely productive game against Detroit? I know, I know, spoken like a bitter fantasy owner, but I remain confounded by the game plan.
Twelve sacks? Six from Osi Umenyiora alone? How 'bout a friggin' adjustment? John Madden and Al Michaels remain the best of the best, and I especially enjoyed Madden last Sunday because I love it when he calls people out on fundamentals -- fullbacks for bad technique, linemen for moving their left leg and opening up the inside route to the quarterback, and more to the point, calling out the Eagles for never putting McNabb in the shotgun. When every play is a jailbreak blitz, and you have a formerly mobile quarterback pinned on every play, how do you fail to mix it up, call off the dogs and give him a chance?
Admit it: By the start of the third quarter, every single time you watched McNabb line up under center for the snap, you knew the play was doomed. Is it possible that an NFL team can operate with zero shotgun plays?
Is it possible that right now Justice is entering the witness protection program?
And as for that sideline shot of Michael Strahan bowing to Umenyiora, did anyone else imagine this thought balloon over his head:
"Listen, you know I fumbled the whole prenup thing. Like, I'm basically playing for free this year, right? So how 'bout you let me line up over Justice this next series? Just long enough to hit some bonus escalators? Pad my stats enough to get a free agent bonus in '08?"
Bright lights, big picture
Have I told you lately that I love ... the sheer American glory that is watching a Monday Night Football game in high definition on a 60-inch flatty? There is something about the extra you-are-there accuracy of a night game after the sun has also gone down in whichever fair city you are sitting in.
Amazing. I have goose bumps just thinking about it. And hats off to the MNF broadcast -- state-of-the-art stuff. The camera work, the coverage, the clarity! I swear to you, on Monday it felt like Carson Palmer was yelling at me for screwing up my route. Which, by the way, I did -- I don't care what Chad Johnson has to say about it.
Cheating is now 'a challenge'
The broadcast was so beautiful, it made listening to three hours of Patriots apologists almost palatable. Honest to God, every time I raised the volume high enough to actually discern the prattle, I heard excuses for the Pats' cheating scandal. Minimizing it. Making sure it didn't run any significant interference with the Belichick platitudes. Cheating kept being referred to as "the Patriots Challenge," "Belichick's challenge" -- we even had sound bites from Tedy Bruschi flailing at any inference that takes the shine off the legacy ... as everyone involved with the broadcast nodded their heads in agreement.
I get that it's an outrage to a passionate player like Bruschi, but Tedy, get real.
Remember all those teams you beat en route to those Lombardi Trophies? How they had to swallow hard and watch you dance around the field with all that confetti raining down on you? Well, now it's your turn to swallow hard ... and watch some taint creep over your glory.
Your coach just gave everyone a reason to "wonder" about how you guys got it done, but what do I hear every time I swallow hard and raise the volume off mute? "His own players voted him a game ball!" "No one is tainted ..." You could write the gameplan like a script. Set the scandal up early with a dry sense of due diligence -- then spend at least three quarters making apologies.
Cosell would not have sat there nodding. Deal with it ... I'm sorry, I thought I got this story out of my system until I watched the game, and the rampant soft-balling ripped my scabs before they could heal.
Look, if it wasn't a big deal, if it didn't really affect the outcome of games, then why did the league come down so hard on them? Huge fines, lost draft picks, shame!
Why does a league punish its best team if not for a flagrant foul?
You think the NFL is happy about shining a negative, competition-challenging light on the dynasty of our time? No way. Sales and marketing 101 says there is no league that does that if they don't have to. Why sully a good thing?
Don't get me wrong -- the Pats are a great team. I've already stated in this column that they are going to win it all this year, too. Despite the PR disaster of following Barry Bonds' messy march to the top of the home run list with a Super Bowl champ that comes with a cheater blemish, I just think it's a little too soon to be letting the Pats off the hook.
They were warned repeatedly, Belichick's hubris got the best of him, he flew too close to the sun, and guess what? His wings melted. He's still up there with Lombardi, Walsh and Noll -- except for that pesky little footnote that every thinking fan will always remember -- he cheated, and he got caught.
Awkward.
Maybe that's why I was stunned Monday. After years of watching chronically bad organizations land on the MNF schedule only to be criticized and corrected mercilessly, they give New England the white-glove treatment.
It's also why I got a huge kick out of the civil suit a Jets season ticket holder filed against the Pats for "deceiving customers," to the tune of $184 million -- that makes the Isiah Thomas groping payout look like chicken feed.
It's probably destined to get tossed out -- these things always do, but I am all for it.
I also admit to harboring a retro/irrational/anarchic attitude about fan rights.
I believe Jets fans are due a refund for being victimized by stolen signals. Why not? It deprived them of a level playing field against a hated divisional rival. 'Nuff said.
I'm also one of those crazy dreamers who believe that teams belong to cities, not to owners. As far as I'm concerned, Green Bay is the only franchise that got it right. I know I'm not alone when I say that my skin crawls whenever I see an owner grabbing face time on the sidelines at the end of a game. Because I expect the impossible. I expect someone to pay a billion dollars, hire the front office and coach, then step back and realize "it's not about me."
Again, I admit to being irrational. Doesn't mean I'm wrong. I believe every time a team relocates, the owner should be thrown into jail and have his assets seized. I get angry every time Art Modell is presented to us as a wry and witty old charmer -- a "legend" in owner circles. All I can see is the only man in the modern era who figured out a way to lose money owning an NFL team. Seriously, it's like forgetting to water your money tree.
When Baltimore bailed him out, they deserved some "two wrongs don't make a right" justice -- they were robbed of the Colts, they robbed the Browns, and yet the football gods clearly mock me. The Ravens win a Super Bowl, and the Colts of Indianapolis are your defending world champs.
Where's your law suit for that one?
I got a few more up my sleeve. I'll be back before the weekend with some lawsuits I think we might be able to pull off. Until then, keep livin' that dream.