Men's magazines can be depressing when they run features on ultimate road trips or ultimate wardrobes or contests like, "You can win a date with Olivia Munn!" You have no chance of ever affording or winning any of that. Or affording to date Munn if you did win that.
Seriously, let me put my $1,000 sweater under my $2,500 sports coat sewn by blind nuns in Belize using the pockets of a pocket fox -- a rare animal that existed for just four weeks in the 16th century -- while racing around the world to Ibiza for a weekend with my boys and partying with Brooklyn Decker.
Totally relatable, right?
Who has money for this stuff? Well, besides Hugh Jackman ... because that guy is bathing in Wolverine royalties. So here are the six games I would attend if I had Hugh Jackman money.
And without further ado ...
6. Saints at Packers, Sept. 8
Not only is this a rematch of the past two Super Bowl winners, this would kick off the ultimate Wisconsin sportspalooza. NFL kickoff on Thursday. Make your way to Milwaukee for Phillies-Brewers on Friday. Then you cap it off in Madison -- rated among Playboy's top party schools -- on Saturday to watch Wisconsin host Oregon State.
5. Patriots at Dolphins, Sept. 12
If your liver and cholesterol levels survived Wisconsin, fly to Miami to catch the Patriots-Dolphins "Monday Night Football" opener. With Hugh Jackman money, you get a seat in the owner's box rubbing elbows with the club's minority owners. After a few belts, you tell Jennifer Lopez to leave Marc Anthony and ask Fergie what the hell she was doing to Slash during the Super Bowl halftime show.
4. Bears at Lions, Oct. 10
If the first two games were the plot of "The Hangover 3," then this game would be "Judgment Night 2," as the Lions play host to a Monday night game. Worth the risk to see this seemingly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We'll probably see somebody break Fred Dryer's record of notching two safeties in one game before this happens again.
3. Bears vs. Buccaneers (London), Oct. 23
London is obvious. But they should pay homage to the old-time NFC Central rivalry with the Buccaneers wearing the old-school orange and the Bears in the all-white road uniforms. Those Bucs uniforms are a lot like a six pack of Hamm's -- you don't want them every week, but they are good once in a while. (And the emo hipsters haven't ruined Hamm's like they have PBR.)
2. Broncos at Bills, Dec. 24
Nothing will test your guile as a football fan like watching a Bills game in December. For starters, it will be cold. Odds are the game will be fairly meaningless. And did I mention the cold? For an added bonus, you men should go topless, with the women rocking bikini tops. Or if you are a husky male like myself -- and Buffalo, you are my people -- we can rock sports bras.
1. Steelers at Browns, Jan. 1
Of course, attending this game means you have to spend New Year's Eve in Cleveland, but that town rocks. A round of Hobgoblins at the Winking Lizard downtown for all of my friends. Even you, the angry commenter, are invited. The next day, we will watch as the lake effect helps determine the AFC North champion. You read that correctly, this game will determine the AFC North champion.
Oh man, I probably should have left a spot for the Super Bowl. But why risk not being able to get tickets ... or your seating area not being in the stadium at all. (Too soon?)