Bill Belichick, provider of the lifehack. If you caught Belichick during his most recent press conference on Deflategate, Ballghazi or whatever we're calling it now, he showed you the way. (For the record, can we please retire the notion of putting "gate" after every scandal now? Most of you weren't alive during Watergate, and most of your friends probably don't know what it's in reference to, anyway. Seriously. Ask them if they know who Spiro Agnew is. If they can't answer, they can no longer use the "gate" suffix.)
The point is, Belichick showed the low-key way to deal with annoying questions. I can only assume if you're a reader of mine, you are awesome. You are likely the defacto answer person at your Super Bowl party, too. The go-to, end-all, be-all of Super Bowl information. Whether you want to or not. So when it happens, just sit there with a plain expression on your face and say, "I have no explanation for that."
Here are a few examples:
Why are there two weeks between the championship games and the Super Bowl? "I have no explanation for that."
Why are there seemingly 18 hours of pregame shows? "I have no explanation for that."
Why was Andy Dalton in the Pro Bowl? "I swear to Great Caesar's Ghost himself, I have no (expletive) explanation for that."
With that, you excuse yourself, walk over to the guacamole and go to town. I only wish Belichick had been with me when I was popped for an open container ticket at a Halloween party in Isle Vista, Calif., many years ago. I could have gone with the, "I'm shocked there's beer in here, officer. I have no explanation for that."
Actually, I kind of wish I would have had Tom Brady with me so I could have handed it to him to take the blame.
But that's a story for another day. The moral here is that you have your way to deal with the many people you meet on Super Bowl Sunday. Like these six folks.
And without further ado ...
Just because this guy's team was eliminated by Halloween is no reason for him to say why these two teams are terrible. You know, the two teams playing in the Super Bowl. Get ready for three hours of why his team will be playing in the game next year. Just nod your head and say, "Yeah, it sure does sound like next year is going to be the year for the Dallas Cowboys. Romo is awesome."
Every time Russell Wilson does something great, this guy will be quick to tell you that he had Wilson on all of his fantasy teams. Oh wait, that's going to be me. But what's worse is the proliferation of daily fantasy sports. So instead of hearing about past glory, you're going to have one guy going ape (expletive) hoping Brandon LaFell gets into the end zone. Again, will probably be me.
At least one party guest will take great pride in the fact that he doesn't watch football and revel in his ignorance. And why he's at a Super Bowl party, I have no idea. He's also the (expletive) who becomes annoyed if you talk during the commercials (it's the best part!) and can't understand why you went outside during the halftime show. He's guaranteed to root for the team you don't want to win and be super smug about it.
You can't miss this guy because he's going to talk louder than the TV, no matter how many times you continue to increase the volume. Best of all, most of his statements will be wrong. Some dude got into an argument with my wife, Rosie McGee, during the playoffs and said Tom Brady went to Cal. Like he wouldn't budge from this statement. Even when she Googled that (expletive) and showed him, he was all, "I'm pretty sure he started at Cal and then transferred to Michigan." Now, Rosie will just look at that guy and say, "I have no explanation."
Look who just got a brand new T-shirt from NFL Shop! And it's a conference championship T-shirt. No fan wears that before a championship. That would be like Stormtroopers wearing a "Battle of Hoth" championship T. Avoid this person, too. Mostly because they are probably a fan of the Yankees, Celtics and John Cena. You really shouldn't invite Cena fans to your party. Unless they are children.
This person loves the team, or at least that's the conclusion we can draw from the back tattoo. So why and the hell are they here? Hardcore fans are no fun because if their team loses, we all lose. Most just want to sit around, drink some beers and crack a few jokes. You can't do that with a hardcore fan in the midst. He'll make the room miserable. I almost had to root for the Broncos during their playoff game because we have a few Donks fans with us. Miserable. I felt bad when I cheered for the Colts because it just doesn't seem cool.
So hey, diehard, go ahead and stay home. We'll smooth things out with your husband/wife (who is likely making you go to this party). We'll cover for you. You just sit home and enjoy the game.