Behold, the most inspiring speech delivered in the register of Hulk Hogan, the cadence of Maya Angelou and the headdress of a psychedelic sultan of all time.
At the tail end of Thursday's Super Bowl block party in Philadelphia, the Eagles organized on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art to deliver the ceremonious speeches. From owner Jeffrey Lurie and coach Doug Pederson to quarterbacks Nick Foles and Carson Wentz, all of the pivotal figures from Philly's first Super Bowl championship gave stirring messages of "We'll be back!" and "Get used to this!"
Then came Eagles center and Mardi Gras GhenghisJason Kelce. The brother of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, self-expression runs in Jason's blood. It was on full display on Thursday as the Eagles hype man, dressed in traditional Mummers gear, called out Philly's critics with receipts in tow and delivered to them a simple message: "F--- them!"
On VP of football operations Howie Roseman: "I'm going to take a second to talk to you about underdogs. Howie Roseman, a few years ago, was relinquished of all control pretty much in this organization. He was put in the side of the building where I didn't see him for over a year. Two years ago, when they made a decision, he came out of there a different man. He came out of there with a purpose and a drive to make this possible. And I saw a different Howie Roseman. An underdog."
On Doug Pederson and his detractors: "Doug Pederson. When Doug Pederson was hired, he was rated as the worst coaching hire by a lot of freakin' analysts out there in the media. This past offseason, some clown named Mike Lombardi, told him that he was the least qualified head coach in the NFL. You saw a driven Doug Pederson. A man who went for it on fourth down. A man who went for it on fourth down in the Super Bowl with a trick play. He wasn't playing just to go mediocre. He was playing for a Super Bowl. And it don't stop with him. It does not stop with him."
Then, in the mold of 8 Mile's B-Rabbit, Kelce rattled off every insult directed at his teammates all season.
"Jason Peters was told he was too old. Didn't have it anymore. Before he got hurt, he was the freakin' tackle in the NFL," Kelce mocked. "Stefen Wisniewski ain't good enough. Jason Kelce is too small. Lane Johnsoncan't lay off the juice. Brandon Brooks has anxiety. Carson Wentz didn't go to a Division I school. Nick Foles don't got it. Corey Clement is too slow. LeGarrette Blount ain't got it anymore. Jay Ajayi can't stay healthy. Torrey Smith can't catch. Nelson Agholor can't catch. Zach Ertz can't block. Brent Celek is too old. Brandon Graham was drafted too high. Vinny Curry ain't got it. Beau Allen can't fit the scheme. Nigel Bradham can't catch. Jalen Mills can't cover. Patrick Robinson can't cover. It's the whole team! It's the whole team!"
Kelce then concluded his magnum opus with a furious interpretation of Philadelphia's "underdog" moniker.
"This entire organization was a bunch of driven men to accomplish something. We were a bunch of underdogs. And you know what an underdog is? It's a hungry dog," Kelce finished. "[Offensive line coach] Jeff Stoutland has had this in our building for five years. It's a quote in the O-line room that has stood on the wall for the last five years: Hungry dogs run faster. And that's this team. Bottom line is, we wanted it more."