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Translating what Dolphins' Chad Johnson really means

Depth-chart climbingMiami Dolphins receiver Chad Johnson said a bunch of ridiculous things Wednesday during his media session. It is our duty to pass them along to you, along with a handy translation for what they really mean:

Quote: "It feels good to be able to breathe again. What you're seeing now, what you're hearing, that's always been me, keeping everybody loose. But when it's time to play, I always show up."

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Translation: I need to create an excuse for why I didn't perform in New England other than age. Remember when I blamed struggles in Cincinnati on trying to be more buttoned down under Marvin Lewis?

Quote: "I'm really not paying the ("Hard Knocks") cameras any attention. I'm just going. I don't care to indulge with them, I don't pay attention, but whatever they catch, they catch."

Translation: I know exactly where every camera is at every moment. Did I mention I was wearing black nail polish?

Quote: "I was hanging with Gene Simmons during the offseason a little bit, working on some music that him and I were doing. I'm somewhat of a rocker, hippie, smoking weed, s--- like that."

Translation:I wouldn't say the weed part of this if it was actually true.

Quote: "I'm good. I'm really good. Regardless of what happened in the past, it's the past. I'm moving on. The odds have been stacked against me since 1978. I had a bad year, finally, but I handled my business for a decade straight. A lot of us tend to forget that. I didn't complain, didn't become a distraction. I took a bullet, worked this offseason, I'm here, still working, not complaining. I'll be back to normal. Don't have a choice."

Translation: I don't want anyone to remember 2008 or 2010, when I averaged fewer than 60 yards-per-game.

Quote: "I learned so many things (in New England). That's one of the greatest coaches ever in the game. Learned a lot of things: Discipline, learned to shut the f--- up for a year. I never thought I could do it, but I did it. Learned watching Tom (Brady), his work ethic, unreal. Even though I wasn't able to produce, or able to play like I wanted to, I learned a lot of things there that's made me a better player. Some of the things that I've brought here, leadership, something I've never focused on."

Translation:This is genuine. But it's worth noting the Patriots didn't care if Chad talked a little. It was his choice not to talk to the media. Bill Belichick knew Chad had different personality and was fine bringing that in. He just didn't want to talk when he was so lost on the field.

So why does Chad think things didn't work out in New England?

Quote: "I don't know. It doesn't matter. 'Fins up. S---, it doesn't matter."

Translation: Hard to argue here.

Quote: "I'm always looking to a second job (if I don't make the team). Thinking about going into porn. It's not funny. I got to earn a living. I'm being serious. I mean, that's what I would do."

Translation: He actually could be serious here.

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