I might be the last person in the world who still purchases magazines, but I love them. If you thumb through a copy of Vanity Fair, GQ or *Maxim, *the style section always features awesome cars, cool clothes and top-shelf liquor.
You'll see a photo of some dapper, Mark Sanchez-looking dude, super model on his arm, wearing a $500 Michael Bastian shirt (actually only $445), sipping Johnnie Walker Blue Label while leaning on his Aston Martin, which is parked next to his boat house.
And then upon closer inspection, you'll notice the guy actually is Mark Sanchez. But that's not the point.
The point is who can afford this (expletive)? Unless you're a Powerball winner or Carlos Slim Helu (Google him), you can't afford any of this. Nor can you afford the 'Ultimate Road Trip' on the next page. But that won't stop me from planning your Ultimate NFL Road Trip.
A few rules: These are in chronological order, not in order of the best games. And I didn't want to double up on any team in order to spread the wealth as it were. And finally -- wait, why do I bother setting up rules? Go ahead and flame away in the comment section because I rather enjoy it.
And without further ado ...
Automatic. There is no better place to start an NFL season than New York City on a Thursday night! Only problem is, you'll be in New Jersey … on a Wednesday night. Oh well, at least you'll be home on Thursday to catch "Archer." Plus, if you really want to blow out NFL Kickoff Weekend, take your fantasy league to Las Vegas, have your draft on Saturday, and watch games poolside on Sunday. Now that's an opening week.
Not many will shed a tear for Candlestick Park (especially the owner). But I'm going to miss one of the last of the multipurpose stadiums with quirky seating. And not only do you get this game, you can make this a weekend by catching USC at Stanford on Saturday, Lions vs. 49ers on Sunday, and then sticking around on Monday to watch the Giants and Diamondbacks start a four-game series. If you mix in a trip to Alcatraz (to recite Nicolas Cage lines from the movie), this might be the best weekend ever.
Any 'ultimate road trip' has to include New Orleans. We're not sure what we're going to get from the Saints this year, but you can be certain they'll be ready for this game, considering half the roster once played for the Chargers. Well, maybe it's just Drew Brees and Darren Sproles, but that's enough. Spend the extra cash to sit near A.J. Smith so you can watch the steam rise from his ears as the duo has a record-breaking day.
If you know anything about me, know this: I like food, and I like beer. So where else would you want to go but football's Mecca, Lambeau Field (and it compares favorably to Fenway Park). And while I have some considerable carriage, I don't care for the cold weather. So I'll take the easy way out with a trip in the fall to make sure I don't have to bundle up too much for the tailgate parties.
Nobody is going to look at the calendar and circle this as the "game of the year." But this is my birthday weekend, and it's Jacksonville. I might not even make it to the game because I'll likely be belly-up in some seaside bar, crooning "Tuesday's Gone" for the umpteenth time with tears in my eyes. And if I do make it to the game, cool, it will be cool to see the stadium with all those seats without the tarps.
Even though I'm an admitted warm-weather snob, you have to do a cold-weather game in Week 17, so why not one of the most contentious rivalries in NFL history? And I should know better, but something tells me the Browns are going to be better this season and this game will have some heavy playoff implications. Although the trip is off if the Steelers wear this (expletive).