Fantasy football draft day is the apex of the football season, filled with hope that this - this - is the year that you have assembled the greatest collection of fantasy studs imaginable that will lead you to untold glory.
But draft day is something special to behold. Not only is the NFL season on the cusp of starting, you get a chance to mingle with the cast of characters who make up your fantasy league. With apologies to Mitch Albom (please excuse the literary reference), here are six people that you are sure to find at your fantasy football draft this weekend.
And without further ado …
Named after the famed character from Charlie's Angels, this guy has to conduct his entire draft over the phone. Sure, real life issues take precedent. But if you are going to be this guy, please do not derail the draft by asking who has been taken and if certain players are injured. Keep up with the draft, have your pick ready to go when it is your turn, and nobody gets hurt.
5. Clock milker
Most drafts have time limits per pick, both in live and on-line drafts. Nothing is worse than the guy who repeatedly takes every last second of their allotted time - especially egregious if that person is sitting on the turn. Be prepared to pick when your turn comes up, there is no reason to be surprised.
4. The homer
We all have at least one Cowboys fan in our drafts. How can you tell, I mean, besides the chunks of Copenhagen caught in his teeth? Well, if taking Felix Jones in the first round wasn't the first clue, then filling in the rest of the team with Tony Romo, Dez Bryant and Jason Witten should push that over the top.
3. Past glory guy
Bringing your trophies to your draft is the equivalent of wearing a letterman's jacket well into your 20s. Odds are that this guy is also wearing his college intramural championship T-shirt from over a decade ago or, you know, his Raiders jersey.
2. The reveler
You show up for your draft an hour early, and the reveler has already put a dent into the adult beverages. This is actually a good thing, and you should encourage this guy to keep going. Tell him things like, "Dang, I remember when you could really put them away." A few nudges and you can convince this guy that Rex Grossman is this year's breakout special.
1. Mouthy Guy
Ugh, you know this guy. He has a comment for everybody's pick. The lame jokes. Inane conversations about the Bills new uniforms, wrestling or which Arnold Schwarzenegger movie was better - Commando or Running Man. And did you hear him talk about his run-in with Hugh Jackman? You do get a sense of pride when the so-called expert mistakenly drafts Eli Manning. Yeah, mouthy guy is the worst.
Thankfully my draft has nobody like that.