The NFL Annual Meeting has wrapped up and the pigskin landscape is (relatively) calm. Let's get a mailbag out there before Mark Cuban yells at us. Thanks to everyone who submitted questions.
Russell Wilson gets the nod for me. Head starts matter in this conversation, and getting the first one out of the way is like asking the three guys to run the mile, then giving Wilson a 30-second advantage. Wilson also plays for the best team and it still looks that way after free agency (sorry, the Broncos will never scare the Seahawks after what happened at MetLife Stadium).
I'd imagine it doesn't cover the requisite surface area to ingest an average-sized man, but it's certainly a distinct facial characteristic, isn't it?
If I were to build a Coach Frankenstein, the great monster would look like this: O'Brien's chin, Jim Harbaugh's wild eyes, Tom Coughlin's cold-weather skin tone, Rex Ryan gleaming chompers, Mike Tomlin's manicured beard and Rob Ryan's genial belly. And, of course, Jeff Fisher's Modified Dad Mullet®.
This is a colloquialism that sets both sides of the conversation at ease. Well worth the four characters (or five, if a comma is involved).
A remake of Dynasty definitely is more likely. Look at that tepidly received Dallas reboot, for instance: All they needed to get that sucker off the ground was TNT (a.k.a. the poor man's TBS) and the garden boy from Desperate Housewives. I feel fairly comfortable in the belief that Seattle dominating the NFL for a period of years is less likely to happen.
I think this has been a very rough month for Charlotte. A timeline:
March 23: The University of North Carolina is bounced out of the NCAA tournament in a root-canal painful loss to Iowa State. Start the clock!
March 26: Charlotte mayor Patrick Cannon is arrested and charged with theft and bribery and is accused of taking cash payoffs on multiple occassions. He resigns from office and faces up to 50 years in prison and fines totaling $1.5 million.
On the plus side, the Bobcats are headed to the NBA playoffs! (Where they'll meet LeBron in the first round.)
How about the Giants as the team ready to return to the playoffs? Tom Coughlin's back and Eli Manning has to be better after last season's nosedive. And no team attacked a weakness the way the Giants went about fixing their secondary: The additions of Dominique Rodgers-Cromartieand Walter Thurmond will do wonders for the back end of that defense.
If Jerry Reese hits on some young offensive talent in the draft (wide receiver and tight end are positional needs), there's no reason to doubt another playoff run. As we've learned, all bets are off with this team once that happens.
Let me get back to you on this one.
Sausage fingers do sound delicious, but that actually works against you here -- both in terms of self-cannibalization and ravenous neighborhood dogs. Of course, pancake feet is an absolute disaster waiting to happen. If we're talking about actual pancakes (and not feet that merely look like pancakes), the foot will crumble by the time you reach the bottom of your front door steps.
In summation, both options are a tragedy.
I'd say one quarterback away -- and he's still not on the roster.
After watching the season finale of Broad City, I'd stick with Drake and use "Started From The Bottom." Good hype song, fitting lyrics. The backup would be to play "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean at a deafening volume. Anything to discombobulate Mike Mayock as much as possible.
Must ... fight ... urge ... to be ... stupid ...
While we're here: Dan Hanzus deserves a raise, six more weeks of vacation and a company Porsche.