Plaxico Burress was released from jail Monday, and what a relief it must have been to feel the sun on his face, the awesome taste of a White Castle burger and the embrace of his agent, Drew Rosenhaus.
Wait, what was that last one?
In case you missed the awkward hug seen 'round the world, Rosenhaus leapt into the waiting arms of Burress, and it would have looked cheesy in a made-for-TV movie. Rosenhaus, you have to believe, was probably just imagining himself jumping into a large pile of money.
Poor Burress. This is what you got out of jail for? I mean, couldn't Rosenhaus have shown him some of those Blake Lively photos making their rounds across the Internet or something?
But then again, it could have been worse. One of these six people could have been waiting for him when he got out of jail.
And without further ado …
6. Lindsay Lohan
The good news: An attractive woman is here to see you! The bad news: It's Lindsay Lohan. In that case, you might tell the guards at the prison to keep your room ready for you, because you will be heading back after a night on the town.
5. Tank Johnson
Forget that Burress' parole probably forbids him from associating with known criminals; Johnson similarly had some troubles with guns during his well-publicized brush with the law. And that begs a question: If Burress can't associate with criminals, does that mean he won't be able to sign with the Bengals, Eagles or Ravens?
4. Al Davis
The good news is that you are out of jail. The bad news is that the Raiders are interested in signing you. This is the kind of thing that would inspire you to shoot yourself in the leg ... again.
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hey, the Terminator is here to greet you after two years in prison. That has to be kind of cool. Unless he is there to tell you that he is your real father.
1. Nate Montana
Hey, you might want to call a cab in this case.