There's another new *Star Wars* trailer out, which is kind of crazy to me, but I'm trying to stay out of the way so people can enjoy their thing. Star Wars is not my thing, but I have things of my own, and I'm not here to be disrespectful of your things, just as I wouldn't want you to be disrespectful of mine. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and all that.
Anyway, I tweeted this today ...
The collective response from the masses: There is the forthcoming Star Wars release in December, followed by a Han Solo-focused spinoff in 2018, with more "Episode" sequels to follow in 2019 and 2020. The Brooklyn Nets will have lottery picks again before we stop seeing Star Wars movies hitting theaters every Christmas. And given the nature of Disney's investment in Star Wars -- they purchased the property from Lucasfilm for a cool $4 billion in 2012 -- the franchise could be set up for a Brett Favre-like ironman streak in our nation's first-run cinemas.
So let's have a little fun. What will happen first: A year without a new Star Wars release? Or a year without Tom Brady as the New England Patriots' starting quarterback? (Oh, this constitutes a flimsy connection of pop culture and sports? Listen buddy, you try writing for the NFL's official site during a brutally quiet Friday afternoon in mid-April. LET'S GET TO IT!)
INVESTMENT
Brady signed a two-year, $41 million contract extension with the Pats last March. The deal runs through the 2019 season. As noted above, Star Wars is locked into sequels through 2020. ADVANTAGE: STAR WARS
BANKABILITY
Brady had the greatest age-39 season for a quarterback in NFL history, putting up MVP numbers despite his wacky four-game suspension. He went 14-1 as New England's starter, capped by the assassination of the Atlanta Falcons' hopes and dreams in Super Bowl LI. Brady merchandise, meanwhile, is remarkably hot on both the legitimate and underground markets. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and Star Wars: The Force Awakens -- the two most recent entries in the Star Wars canon -- have grossed $1.5 billion in box office alone. My God. ADVANTAGE: PUSH
SECRET WEAPON
Brady has become a health fanatic in recent years, a man firm in the belief that a regimented diet (his banned list includes: sugar, white flour, nightshade fruits and veggies, MSG, iodized salt, coffee, fungi and dairy) will significantly retard the aging process. He couples these intense dietary habits with a furious workout regimen designed to keep him strong, agile and limber. Star Wars captured the imagination of Gen Xers long ago, and the legendary franchise has made major advances in their recruitment of millennials thanks to the success of recent installments. The result is a built-in mega audience that makes the Star Wars franchise the unsinkable ship Titanic only thought it was. ADVANTAGE: STAR WARS
THE MAN BEHIND THE MAGIC
Tom Brady has Bill Belichick. Star Wars has George Lucas. Belichick has never left Brady's side, and the coach/all-encompassing organizational czar seems to be getting better at his job as he ages. (Have you been tracking this Patriots offseason? It feels like a checkers/chess situation.) Lucas helmed the meteoric rise of Star Wars but seemed to lose the plot as the years went by, putting us through that turgid turn-of-the-millennium trilogy before giving up his baby to Disney in exchange for all the money. Like, all of it. ADVANTAGE: TOM BRADY
BIGGEST THREAT
Brady fired a screaming spiral into the face of Father Time last year, and he'll enter 2017 behind steady and familiar offensive line and his best collection of playmakers since his 50-touchdown season in 2007. Brady will be 40 come Week 1, but we'll reiterate here that he was as good as ever last season. We are pretty much in unprecedented territory for an NFL standout who doesn't kick for a living. No wonder the Patriots seem conflicted about dealing Jimmy Garoppolo. The biggest threat for Star Wars is public exhaustion, though business is unlikely to suffer until the product shows signs of slippage. Of course, the likelihood of that happening is higher when you're cranking out sequels like you're the Saw franchise. ADVANTAGE: TOM BRADY
FINAL VERDICT
This is close, but Brady takes it. We think he's dead serious about playing another five years, which means Disney would have to pump out seven Star Wars movies in seven years just to keep pace. And it's only at this point that I realize it should never take 800 words to come to the conclusion that Tom Brady wins. The Force will always be with him.
