J.J. Watt has debuted a new clothing line, The JJ Watt Collection, a, um, collection of six button-down shirts and two polos "exclusively designed and meticulously thought out by J.J."
Here is all the relevant information we gleaned from the three minute and 17-second infomercial on the brand published to YouTube on Tuesday.
The JJ Watt Collection is a stitch and fabric exemplification of what makes America great.
This video starts in the only way a J.J. Watt menswear advertorial can -- with bad-ass Ol' Glory whippin' in the atmosphere like a boss.
Someone on Instagram offered this avant-garde alternate open: "It could have just as easily been him chopping wood with blood all over his face." Feels like a missed opportunity, frankly.
Red, white and blue are the anchor colors of the Watt collection. The shirts -- like freedom, Bruce Springsteen and apple pie -- are made in the U.S.A.
"Classic colors, red and blue," Watt says as he peruses a rack of his shirts. "Of course, Texans colors, America's colors."
Each shirt is named after streets relevant to J.J. Watt's origin story, which, I mean, that's kind of odd, right?
"Well, as you know, we named all these after streets that are important to my life."
And that's how a black and blue checkered shirt became "Park Hill" (grandpa's house), a blue and red checkered shirt was christened "Bend Creek" (rookie address in Houston), and a red and blue striped shirt earned the moniker "East Sutton" (buddy's apartment). You get the idea. It's an unusual idea.
"We have to wear a suit every game day, so it gives me an opportunity to help customize my own look and then also give some things to some other guys around the league to wear, and then for the everyday guy going to work try to make him a little more stylish."
Obviously I'm buying all these shirts, but how will others know my menswear is part of the JJWC?
It's not easy! It takes a keen eye -- and perhaps some inappropriate touching -- to be certain. Take it away Unidentified Dark-Haired Guy Who's Also In The Video:
"Your signature for each of your shirts is going to be this: white, button hole right there and it's only on one side, so it's a way you can tell when someone is wearing a J.J. Watt collection shirt."
Adds J.J.: "Just something small and classy. I like it."
You probably need to be upwardly mobile or comfortable with credit debt to afford these shirts.
Mizzen + Main, Watt's partner on this endeavor, lists each of the button down shirts at $145. The polos both go for $80. The guy who says you can get the same type of shirts for a quarter of the price at Target might have a point.
Then again, you're not getting the white button hole at Target. You're just not. That's really what you're paying for here.
Be honest, Dan: Do you really think Watt had an active role in the design process?
Oh, I don't know. I think it's safe to say he got a lot of help, which is probably a good thing. The next Versace is probably not a 295-pound defensive lineman from Wisconsin. I can say he is really eyeballing the fabric in the video:
All the shirts are pretty basic, which seems like the kind of stuff that J.J. Watt actually would wear. Points for that, I suppose. "Bold but classy," Watt explains of the overall aesthetic. "Something that says, 'I have a little style, too.'"
The JJ Watt Collection: Shirts for men with (a) little style.