If you have a heart condition, are predisposed to fainting spells or are prone to other potentially dangerous shock-rooted reactions, I advise you look away now. Some of these photos will wreck your month.
Here's the greatest player in Baltimore Ravens history dressing like a man who is overly self-conscious about underarm persperation. A Sweaty Pits Alarmist, he is! This is also indisputable evidence that the, "If 1985 Mr. T can pull it off, why can't I?" mirror test is not wholly reliable.
Primetime became an instant millionaire when he was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, but you could have sworn he was already there based on that extensive bling display. Shoutout to the wearing-sunglasses-indoors look, which endures as the surest sign of one's unimpeachable cocksuredness. Right, Paul Pierce?
NFL Quarterbacks Club
Looks like our boys are wearing the type of off-brand Zubaz my mom would bring back from Marshall's shopping excursions in 1990. "Oh stop it, they're as good as the real thing. No one will notice." Moms sometimes don't get it. Meanwhile, I see you almost pulling the look off, Young And Handsome Jim Harbaugh. Impressive.
Elway, at this point in his life smack in the middle of a Hall of Fame career with the Broncos, certainly committed to his side gig as a used car salesmen, doesn't he? Shoutout to fat '90s ties! Also, a hat tip to loafers, the footwear that screams, "I am known to be an overly rigid disciplinarian figure to my detached teenage children!"
Here are the overalls that Wilfork memorably debuted during the Texans' Hard Knocks season the previous summer. No big man resting comfortably in the three bills zone should be able to pull this off, and yet, Big Vince does it with ease. That alone makes him Canton worthy to me.
The Ryan Family
Bonus points if you can tell which Ryan twin is which. We're guessing Rex is on the right, but who really knows? They probably don't, either. There's a definite Deliverance vibe to the one in the farmer onesie on the left.
A perfect outfit if you've ever wondered how life would be different if Tom Brady was not the greatest quarterback ever and instead a stolen watch salesman who dabbled in misdemeanor public flashing.
This is what it looks like when your fullback shows up to camp dressed like a psychopath killer from a bad Rob Zombie movie from the mid-aughts. Just replace that black travel bag with your standard blood-spattered chainsaw or razor-edged stabbing object and you've got a mid-tier antagonist.
This is the Christmas-themed suit Barnidge wore after the Browns' one and only win of last season. Which begs the question: Did Barnidge still plan to wear this suit if Cleveland found a way to blow this game and fall to 0-15? I feel like ol' Gary had to have shown up to the stadium with two different suits, right? Literally no one else in the entire world ever thought about this until this moment.
Freakin' Al Davis, man. That man loved his white-on-white tracksuits. His son, Mark, has carried on the tradition. Come across the current Raiders owner at any tentpole league event -- he is a notorious hotel lobby frequenter -- and he'll be dressed in his standard uniform. White long-sleeved Raiders T-shirt, white jeans, white sneakers.
I'm not sure who deserves more credit here: Zeke for stepping out of the luxury SUV in a belly shirt or the wardrobe consultant who was tasked with the challenge of convincing a football player to bare his midriff like Ariana Grande. I will say this was ultimately a half-measure from the Cowboys star. He rolled the shirt down when he took the stage after his selction, denying the world the chance to see a man press his exposed midriff up against the NFL Commissioner.
A flashback to when Matty Stafford was a fresh-faced No. 1 pick with limitless potential and enough excess pants space to smuggle a Thanksgiving dinner through airport security.
Almost 50 years later, NFL players -- professional athletes, in general -- are still trying to match the impact of Broadway Joe's fashion statements. Iconoclast greatness in a single snapshot.