Chip Kelly is entering his first season as head coach. The public relations arm of the NFL has helpfully offered up a question-and-answer bio that shines a light on one of the NFL's more private figures. It is ... interesting.
» My favorite line from Shawshank, as intoned with grace by Morgan Freeman's Red: "Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of s--- and came out clean on the other side." You think this is how Kelly might view his new start in San Francisco after a tumultuous tenure in Philadelphia? Or, in a darker timeline, is Kelly still crawling through that prison sewage pipe as he attempts to coach up an undermanned 49ers outfit? Hmmmmm.
» I like to imagine an alternate reality where Chip Kelly never had a life in football and is instead a die-hard Boston sports fanatic who works part-time at a lumber yard and spends six hours a day on hold with WEEI. "Bobby Ohhhhhhr is an Ameri-cahan treasuah!" (takes off shirt, punches bouncer).
» What kind of passive-aggressive monster lists "sandwiches" as a favorite food? More details, man. It is our right as Americans in 2016 to know everything! You are a public figure. We own you!
» Who wants to tell him the bad news about Steve Prefontaine? Not it.
» If Kelly's NFL career is eventually remembered in part for his failure to connect with players, I will remember his answer to "Who has the hardest job in football?".
» I'd like to see Kelly take over a firehouse and implement a bunch of new training methods that annoy the bejeezus out of everybody. "Hose down the remote control car!" "Pizza Wednesdays have been replaced by "Smoothie Saturdays!"