Let's learn more about the mysterious Chip Kelly

Let's discuss something about the San Francisco 49ers that has nothing to do with Colin Kaepernick.

Chip Kelly is entering his first season as head coach. The public relations arm of the NFL has helpfully offered up a question-and-answer bio that shines a light on one of the NFL's more private figures. It is ... interesting.

Some takeaways:

» My favorite line from Shawshank, as intoned with grace by Morgan Freeman's Red: "Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of s--- and came out clean on the other side." You think this is how Kelly might view his new start in San Francisco after a tumultuous tenure in Philadelphia? Or, in a darker timeline, is Kelly still crawling through that prison sewage pipe as he attempts to coach up an undermanned 49ers outfit? Hmmmmm.

» I like to imagine an alternate reality where Chip Kelly never had a life in football and is instead a die-hard Boston sports fanatic who works part-time at a lumber yard and spends six hours a day on hold with WEEI. "Bobby Ohhhhhhr is an Ameri-cahan treasuah!" (takes off shirt, punches bouncer).

» What kind of passive-aggressive monster lists "sandwiches" as a favorite food? More details, man. It is our right as Americans in 2016 to know everything! You are a public figure. We own you!

» Who wants to tell him the bad news about Steve Prefontaine? Not it.

» If Kelly's NFL career is eventually remembered in part for his failure to connect with players, I will remember his answer to "Who has the hardest job in football?".

» I'd like to see Kelly take over a firehouse and implement a bunch of new training methods that annoy the bejeezus out of everybody. "Hose down the remote control car!" "Pizza Wednesdays have been replaced by "Smoothie Saturdays!"

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