The holiday shopping season has arrived. Again. I'm here to help.
First, a bit of unsolicited advice: Don't even think about going to the mall or any of the big box stores on Black Friday. There are roughly seven million YouTube videos that explain why this is a bad idea, and besides, it's 2016 -- the internet is your friend. Stay home, get drunk, memorize the three-digit number on the back of your Visa.
Because I'm a good dude -- and because my editor wanted a themed column this week -- I took the time to go through every single item on NFL Auction for the express purpose of locating fun gifts for the special football fan in your life.
I've done the legwork; all you have to do now is be the highest bidder. Let's get to it.
I enjoy the title here. Could have cut down on the wordiness with a simple: "This s--- won't work." Personally, I'm only interested in the headset McCoy was wearing when he almost had that nervous breakdown last month. You know the one, right?
I prefer all my electronic communication devices to have a complicated back story of angst and self-doubt.
In service of fair commerce, the seller should disclose that this ball washed up on a beach in Hawaii two weeks after the 1999 Pro Bowl.
Speaking of the Seahawks, this helmet is special because it will constantly tell you how underpaid it is for two months every summer.
OK, so, yeah, not all of these suggestions are actually good gift ideas, per se. But I just want you guys to know that for less than a price of a meatball hero, you can have this (pretty cool) picture of former Falcons fullback Ovie Mughelli.
This is cool because owning these cleats will allow you to tell friends that you, too, have quit on Rex Ryan. At least, by proxy.
I feel like this would be a great gag gift if you were buddies with Ryan Tannehill. Bids would skyrocket if you could somehow package this ball with the opportunity to be verbally assassinated by Miko Grimes for 10 minutes.
In a previous edition of Tales From NFL Auction, I spotlighted what I assume is the same Doug Marrone football. They just cannot move this product. If I were an NFL Auction decision-maker, I'd duct tape a $20 bill around the sucker and try again.
Fun fact: NFL Auction is absolutely overflowing with Pro Bowl uniform inventory. It's almost like when the game ends, everyone takes off their Team Rice and Team Irvin gear and literally never thinks about it again.
If you look at Mack's signature in a mirror it reads: "PLEASE SEND HELP. DAWG POUND IS KILL SHELTER."
Hey, remember Rodney Hampton? He was a guy for awhile there.
For the misguided Bears fan in your life who wants to get in on the Cutler-in-Chicago stock at its lowest. Cigarette not included.