The Patriots quarterback debuted a new retro 'do on Tuesday that left the internet scrambling to match Brady with the '90s figure he most resembled. Disappointingly, no one got it right. He looks like that kid who got relentlessly friend-zoned by Melissa Joan-Hart on Clarissa Explains It All. Be better, internet.
Brady has never been afraid to experiment with his looks. Remember when NFL Network aired that Brady 6 special a few years ago and we saw Tom all emotional with those flowing brown locks? That was kind of absurd hair for a football man to have. But Brady -- beautiful bastard that he is -- pulled it off. He's doing the same thing now.
I'm assuming all this experimentation up top is coming from the top -- as in Gisele, whom Brady has been in a relationship with since 2006. Before he married an iconic Brazilian supermodel, Brady was pretty much exclusively a "tight on the sides and back, leave a little up top" guy. Post-Gisele, Brady has turned his mop into a canvas for some of the best stylists in the world. Can you imagine how expensive his hair product must be?
Sometimes, in my darkest hour, I wonder if Brady's hair is a social experiment that's part of a greater study into human behavior. Brady and his team of scientists take our reactions and boil them into a formula that will allow him to beat the Jets for another 12 years.
And you're probably thinking right now that Brady's unyielding success has taken a toll on my mental stability. And the doctors may agree. But the truth is out there. Wipe the coif from your eyes.