What we are talking about:
Matchup is not that great
He's going to smoke us
She makes the world much better
Why are people trying to break the internet? The internet gives us many wonderful things: News, information, and a way to judge and mock people with ideas that are different than ours. So why would somebody try to break something this wonderful?
And if you're going to try to break the internet, why would you use a lass who is famous for being in an adult movie and posing in an adult-themed magazine? That would be akin to Baskin Robbins holding a press conference and being all, "Hey world, we're going to break the internet with this new flavor. It's made from the leaf of coco plants. We call it chocolate." I mean, who would give a (expletive)?
Besides, there are many easier ways to break the internet these days. What if photos of Johnny Manziel sitting in his hotel room studying his playbook were to reach the internet? Things would go completely bananas.
What else, what else? Oh, what if Eli Manning were to go on Jeopardy! and win? I'm not sure the internet would ever be able to handle something like that. And I'm talking real Jeopardy! too, not the phony college version. Actually, I'd be surprised if he won any level. Either way, internet broken.
I've got it; the internet would go completely ape (feces) if LeSean McCoy scored more than 10 fantasy points in a game. That would absolutely do it. And if McCoy and Cordarrelle Patterson were to score double-digit points in the same week, I'm afraid the world would look like the movie "This is the End" with Seth Rogen, James Franco et al.
That would certainly do it. (If not, maybe Andy Reid in the same bare-behind pose as Kim Kardashian would do the trick, too.)
But in all seriousness, what the hell McCoy? He was given a gift of a touchdown on Monday night. If Brent Celek (or was it Zach Ertz?) hadn't been down at the 1-yard line, McCoy would have had another miserable game. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if McCoy is even going to land in the first round of next year's fantasy drafts. Though, I'm not ready to look ahead to that quite yet. The first round of fantasy drafts are going to be very interesting because there are a few guys who are having career years I certainly wouldn't trust next season.
And without further ado ...
Matthew Stafford has had some rough patches, but he now has his full complement of offensive talent around him and he's poised for a monster stretch which starts this week.
Josh McCown has done a nice job of doing what he did well in Chicago. Namely, he's just stepped back and started to fling it to his obscenely talented and tall receivers. Work smarter, not harder, Josh.
Russell Wilson is going to be a tough one to project because he hasn't had great passing stats in recent weeks. But his threat of running keeps him in the QB1 conversation so I would start him.
Philip Rivers scored more points for you last week on a bye than he did two weeks ago when he operated in negative points. If he was Peyton Manning, he would be out to prove his worth and throw five touchdowns against the poor Raiders. But Rivers is a good person. He's got nothing to prove. So he's good for about 259 passing yards and a TD, which would be good for 14.66. That's his floor this week.
Rivers did have 25.82 fantasy points against the Raiders the last time they played, tough. And at least 300 passing yards in his last three against them. So what do I know?
That was a standard market-correction for Ben Roethlisberger last week. He wasn't going to throw six touchdowns for the third-consecutive week. He should get back to about 309 passing yards and two touchdowns this week.
I'm a hypocrite because I would have had no problem with Aaron Rodgers going for the touchdown record on Sunday night, and I know I would have bashed Peyton Manning for the same thing. At least Rodgers would have been motivated by going up against his long-time rival who knocked him out in the same game last year, so maybe it seems more pro wrestling to me.
ImageIt must be the masochist in me, but I've really enjoyed these blowouts on Sunday and Monday night. If for nothing else, it's been fun to watch the announcers try to fill with nonsense. Jon Gruden took it to another level on Monday when he introduced a blender and started making smoothies. That really should be a thing, only those smoothies should have included Fireball. Can the FCC just enact a rule where announcers have to take a shot ever time the deficit is greater than 24 points? That would keep a lot of people around to watch.
Image"Too Many Cooks" might be my favorite thing on the internet right now. Or on Adult Swim. Whatever platform you prefer, its pretty genius. And for the record, I watched the entire 11 minutes. You would think the gag would get old after a while, but it keeps on going. And going.
Speaking of coaches (expletive) with us, Alfred Morris has three rushing touchdowns in his last two games. Yep, he's never going to get another goal-line look is he? I hate my fantasy life. (Not really.)
Terrance West really scared me on Thursday night, after he missed two touchdown opps. He did get his touchdown which is all that matters. (Well could have been three! But let's not get greedy.)
Since I just wrote about West, I might as well jump-in with C.J. Anderson who was my other summer fantasy fling. C.J. has been great in back-to-back weeks and I like the matchup this week against St. Louis. Actually, I don't give a (expletive) about the matchup, I'm starting him.
Jeremy Hill will likely get another chance to redeem himself this week as a solo act. Don't let last week throw you off. I know it was bad. I started him, too. So I imagine Hue Jackson will understand the error of his ways (remember who his quarterback is) and give us a healthy dose of Hill. He'd better.
Image"Sons of Anarchy" SPOILER. This was my favorite episode of the season. It had so much great stuff packed into it. For one, it was an old-school SOA revenge scheme that worked out well. I thought Rat Boy and T.O. were done for. And really, I was scared the One-niners guy and T.O. were going to get killed at the end. Glad the Sons do have some compassion for somebody outside of the brotherhood.
Image"Sons of Anarchy" SPOILER I believe we're getting closer to my long-time theory for the end of the show. Flash forward 16 years and Abel is reading his dad's journals. Nero will mistakenly kill Jax after he kills Gemma. But my new revised addition is Tig and Venus move to Norco with Wendy to raise some of the kids. BTW, anybody impressed by Abel's own revenge scheme? Chip off the old block.
Larry Fitzgerald is now just eight yards shy from becoming the second-youngest player to reach 12,000 receiving yards. He's become much more effective in recent weeks because teams have to respect the speed of John Brown. Expect Fitzgerald to continue to be fantasy relevant. Anquan Boldin has become the go-to guy for the 49ers. He's had a couple of nice games and even though I expect the 49ers to run the ball a lot, Boldin will get his chances.
I don't care if Kelvin Benjamin catches his two touchdowns in the first half or the final two minutes of the game. Actually, that would be worse if Benji had two touchdowns in the first five minutes because you would drive yourself crazy the rest of the way rooting for more scores.
ImageI've been able to binge on "New Girl" over the past couple of nights, thanks to a blowout on Sunday night, and the need to cleanse myself after "Sons of Anarchy" this week." New Girl" has been on fire. I love this show. I normally wouldn't laugh at something like Zooey Deschannel getting run over by a bike, but I laughed my (butt) off. And the "Micro" episode was legitimately hilarious.
ImageI toyed with the idea of disliking "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" because they are going to be off until February. But since this gives me a chance to see him at the Grove of Anaheim in the coming weeks, I'm going to give it a like. And the salmon cannon was also legitimately hilarious, too. The sheer volume of stars who participated was really impressive.
One guy I would like to talk about is Mychal Rivera who has been one of the most targeted tight ends in football. But also because his sister Naya Rivera of "Glee" fame totally put former adult film star Kim Kardashian on blast this week for the photo we talked about here. You can read all about what Naya said here or here. #NailedIt So for her alone (Naya not KK), I would go with Mychal if you need to pick up a tight end.
Each week homepage editor Patrick Crawley will be invited to give a like (and dislike) for the week. Take it away, buddy.
ImageGreat call! I once hung out with Grohl at a Dramarama concert at the House of Blues. Awesome dude. And since we're talking about music. RIP Big Bank Hank. Loved his music. And when I worked at the Disneyland Hotel, I was known as Sick Bank Rank in homage. "Rappers Delight" is the best hip-hop song ever, rivaled only by Eric B. and Rakim's "Paid in Full".
ImageBTW, we landed a rocket on a comet! So now the plausibility of "Armageddon" doesn't seem so far-fetched anymore does it? DOES IT?
I mean, you certainly can start Cam Newton. I just wouldn't advise doing it. Not until you see some evidence he has stuff worked out. He's destined to be a garbage-time hero this year.
How bummed out was the internet when Mark Sanchez went out and had a great game? Twitter had about the same amount of energy as the CBS broadcast team when Auburn lost a pair of fumbles at the end of regulation against Texas A&M. Those guys were straight-up morose about that loss.
Do any of you know a shorter person who has this attitude where he constantly has to prove how manly he is? That's Peyton when he plays a team like the Raiders. He can't beat the truly elite teams in the NFL, but he absolutely crushes it in the regular season against teams like the Raiders. I don't know why I'm complaining, it's great for fantasy football.
This video of Brock Osweiler broke your heart and kind of made you chuckle at the same time. I mean, I don't even have to try with Peyton Manning any more. He goes out and proves my point every week. And don't get on my case, blame Manning. I would be content to let him be but he can't do this and not expect me to call him on his (expletive).
Why isn't there a bigger deal being made out of Zach Mettenberger against Roethlisberger? I mean, it's the Berger Bowl! Really, am I the only one who is excited about this? All right, all right I will let it go.
You guys know the moment you give up on Jay Cutler he's going to rise up to have a monster game, right? He's going to end up throwing like four touchdowns against the Vikings and you will go all-in on the guy the following week against the Buccaneers. Which will be a mistake because you know (deity) damn well Lovie Smith is going to find a way to humiliate the Bears. You can pretty much bank on that to happen. So I would only recommend Cutler for those truly ready to embrace the #DangerZone. Do you have the guts to go through with it?
I drafted Adrian Peterson in three leagues, including my League of Record (I had the fourth-overall spot and so wanted to go Jimmy Graham. And yes, there was a Bears fan in front of me who took Forte). I dropped AD in all leagues and those were the only leagues where I tried to get him back. As luck would have it, I missed on every single waiver claim.
I do have a keeper league that's pretty deep. I've had to hold on to AD and Josh Gordon for the entire season. The platform we play on wouldn't even let us carve out Commissioner's exempt list players, either. That probably needs to change for next season. (I also had Ray Rice on this team but did let go of him.)
ImageSome of you might have written-in Kim Kardashian, too. But teams are undefeated in Super Bowls when Double K is romantically linked to the team's running back. #Fact I mean, you really can't argue this, right? I mean, it's not like she is Jessica Simpson. Or even Jessica Alba who, while it's cool to have her on your side, she hasn't done the Oakland Raiders any favors.
The Cleveland backfield is going to be shaky for a while. Ben Tate received a touchdown, but if Thursday was any indication, he's just going to be a vulture.
Image"Sons of Anarchy" SPOILER I did like the episode a lot. But Moses was the second-smartest guy on the show behind August Marks, so how did he walk into that ambush so easily? Maybe he took the biker gang for granted. But given how hard Bobby proved to be whilst being tortured, he should have been suspicious even while being disappointed in T.O. Nice twist though, a true eye for an eye.
Image"Sons of Anarchy" SPOILER We also learned a little too much about the mating habits of certain members of the bike gang. Actually, none of that was jarring. But the Marilyn Manson prison scene was just a little too much. You know, there are certain things in life you can't unsee and that is probably going to stay with me a little too long. No amount of "New Girl" viewing after that will ever replace it.
This seems like the best time, in theory, to get Cordarrelle Patterson into your lineups. In theory. But Great Caesar's Ghost, I just don't have the stomach to do it just yet. Maybe I'll take a chance in one of my daily leagues but not in any that matter.
The one thing that struck me about the Panthers on Monday night, and Boomer Esiason talked about this at great length, was that Newton never seemed to have any sense of urgency out on the field. But I guess I wouldn't be in any hurry given that offensive line.
Andre Johnson was able to overcome some terrible quarterbacks earlier in his career, but his skills have taken just enough of a step back that I can't trust him with Ryan Mallet.
I mean, it's like one of those things where you could handle a night of partying in your early 20s and then show up to work the next day with no hangover. But now that you're on the wrong side of 30, you really can't play that game. So it's similar for Dre here.
The matchup is extremely great for Washington this week. But it will take a lot more than a great matchup to get back with Pierre Garcon again.
Reuben Randle has clearly been passed by OBJ with the Giants. (Have we ever received definitive word on if we're going to use ODB or OBJ as his official nickname? I kind of like OBJ.)
We probably shouldn't ever trust Justin Hunter again. Hey, the matchup was great last week, it just didn't work out that way. That's on me.
ImageI rarely watch RAW from the UK. It reminds me of being a little kid and the WWF would take eight consecutive RAWs in one night at the Orange Fairgrounds in San Bernardino. Instead, I just read Brandon Stroud's Best and Worst of RAW. I would just like to say whatever Brandon says goes double for me. Except that I sincerely have no interest in the coming "old-school" Survivor Series. I would just rather watch Brock Lesnar eat John Cena for an hour. (Yes, EAT.)
ImageJust received an email that said Steve Young will now try his hand at comedy. Apparently the PR maven who sent this out has never seen Young and his three co-stars stand awkwardly on the field after the Monday night telecast. That's unintentional hilarity at its finest. And never, ever try to top Daniel Tosh.
The Seahawks have struggled against tight ends this season, but before you rush to put Travis Kelce in your lineup please consider the following; the Chiefs don't have any receivers. I mean, the team hasn't thrown a touchdown pass to a receiver this year. So I expect the full resources of the Legion of Boom to take out Kelce this week and dare the Chiefs to beat them with guys none of your friends have heard of.
ImageASJ was flagged and fined after he scored last week because he used a football as a prop. Is this really a priority? If the use of the football as a prop is the most egregious of offenses, I'll take it. I have no problem with end zone celebrations. Most people find them fun. But why would we want to entertain the folks who have thrown down $100 for one ticket? The next thing you know, we will start to water down the beer! Oh wait, that's already happened. Don't worry Seattle, it's not like a mascot was on the loose. Oh wait, that's already happened. So if we could put a priority on stronger beer and keeping ourselves safe from wildlife, I will take end zone celebrations with the football as a prop.
Each week homepage editor Patrick Crawley will be invited to give a dislike (and like) for the week. Take it away, buddy.
ImagePatrick's Corner: The lack of a great Pablo Escobar movie. How has Hollywood not gotten this right yet? And no, the upcoming Josh Hutcherson rom com "Escobar: Paradise Lost" doesn't count.
Are we sure this doesn't count? I kind of want it to count. But I believe it was the great Marcas Grant who floated the idea of making all of those great "Entourage" films into actual pictures. I could get down with that.
For the record, you can submit your fantasy questions to NFL Fantasy Live or me on Twitter. But realize, NFL Fantasy Live has 300K followers. Me? Just four. See, the odds are better I will answer your question, so hit me up both via Twitter or via Facebook. And if you follow him on Sundays, he'll quote "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" and then it's game on! Although, it's tough to catch me on Facebook. Twitter is your go-to." Plus seriously people, I'm not taking your tweets after Midnight. I'm into the #HashtagWars via @Midnight.