The Fifth Down  

Jack Ryan (Paramount)  

Peyton Manning's bootleg, James Jones' ups top Week 5

  • By Alex Gelhar NFL.com
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Well well, what an interesting week of football. Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson threw down in a clash of future QB titans, Peyton Manning and Tony Romo threw nine combined touchdowns, while Eli threw his NFL-best (worst?) 12th interception. The Giants and Steelers are winless, while the Saints (and Chiefs) are 5-0, and the Browns are tied for first place in the AFC North. Again, just as we all predicted at the start of the season, no? To quote the late Steve Sabol, "Life is good. Football is better." I'm not sure if truer words have ever been spoken. Let's dive in -- it's Fifth Down.

Peyton Manning, 37-year-old speed demon

In what could go down as one of the best play fakes in NFL history, Peyton Manning juked all of America when he faked the goal-line handoff to Knowshon Moreno and shuffled into the end zone untouched on a naked bootleg. The camera didn't even consider following Manning because, let's be honest, Manning runs about as fast as the steamroller in "Austin Powers". It was Manning's first touchdown run in 62 games, or roughly 1,860 minutes of game play (assuming Peyton had approximately 30 minutes time of possession each game), which is the same length of time it now takes him to run the 40-yard dash.

Russell Wilson wings it over the choir

You probably missed this little gem unless you were lucky enough to watch the excellent Seahawks-Colts game in its entirety, but during pregame warmups Russell Wilson flexed his deep-ball accuracy by throwing a picture-perfect strike to the corner of the end zone ... over the choir. Unfortunately for Wilson, there were no Mighty Wings on the line in his trick shot competition against himself, and to make matters worse, his Seahawks lost for the first time all season, dropping to a 4-1 record. Now Wilson can't join Demaryius Thomas for any postgame wings either. Sorry, Russell.

Name game

With Donte Whitner officially changing his last name to "Hitner" in the wake of his latest fine from the league, here are several other suggestions for NFL name changes. Some are obvious, others are well, just for fun. Send any other suggestions to @AlexGelhar to keep the good times rolling.

Marshawn Lynch -----> Beast Mode
J.J. Watt -----> J.J. Swatt
Patrick Peterson -----> Patrick Pick Six
Matt Schaub -----> Matt Pick Six
Eli Manning -----> Eli More Rings Than Peyton
Patrick Willis -----> Patrick What'chu talkin' 'bout Willis
Maurice Jones-Drew -----> Maurice Jones-New Team Please
Tony Romo -----> Tony Rom-Oh No
Andy Dalton -----> Red Dalton
Russell Wilson -----> DangeRuss Wilson

The Great Wall of Lambeau

The Lambeau Leap is a time-honored tradition for Packers players after they score a touchdown at Lambeau Field. The celebration was created by Leroy Butler, and has been a Green Bay staple ever since. James Jones is no stranger to the leap, as he scored 14 touchdowns last season, six of them coming at Lambeau. Yet, after his 83-yard score in the Packers' win over the visiting Detroit Lions, he needed an assist from teammate Randall Cobb to even get up the wall. Then, after catching another touchdown in the fourth quarter (that was overturned) Jones missed his leap again! Yet, he somehow found the strength to jump over Chris Houston to make this ridiculous catch. Where were those ups when you were aiming for the stands? For shame, James, for shame.

Eli Manning Week 5 Stat Tracker
Interceptions Intentional Groundings Manning Face sightings
3 3 infinite

12 and Oh no...

Oh, Antrel Rolle. Shortly after your proclamation that the Giants would run the table and finish 12-4, your team comes out and lays another egg against the Eagles to drop to 0-5. Nothing is going right for the Giants right now. David Wilson injured his back after scoring a touchdown and doing... backflips. Eli Manning took a page out of Blaine Gabbert's personal playbook as he threw three interceptions and three passes that resulted in intentional groundings. At least, as Marc Sessler pointed out, the Giants are "earning" their top-five pick in next year's draft.

What to do with your bye week

Not sure I have the emotional fortitude (or hair) to sport a 'do of this nature, but I admire this man's courage and devotion (even if he isn't a Redskins fan).
Not sure I have the emotional fortitude (or hair) to sport a 'do of this nature, but I admire this man's courage and devotion (even if he isn't a Redskins fan). (Jesus Cruz/)

We've now hit the second week with teams on a bye, which means more and more fans are left twiddling their thumbs on Sundays while their favorite team rests and regroups. Well, fear not if your team's bye week is coming up, as I have a potential solution for you. You can take after the guy to the right and get your favorite player's likeness cut into your hair. This frighteningly photo-realistic RG3 cut took roughly two hours according to the Yahoo! article, but the infamy (and possibly regret) will last a lifetime. Check out more insane hair art at Jesus Cruz's Instagram page.

The Adventures of Justin Tucker

Justin Tucker made all four of his field-goal attempts in the Ravens 26-23 nailbiter of a win over the Miami Dolphins, including a 50-yarder and the go-ahead score from 44-yards out. But enough about the game, did you know Tucker can sing opera in seven different languages? Or that he creates freestyle raps? Or that he can juggle a football with his feet as if he were Lionel Messi? I didn't either until I stumbled upon this handy video. In a Chris Kluwe-less NFL, we need a new interesting special teamer to get behind. My vote is for Tucker.

Jordan Cameron watches Willis McGahee get stuffed for no gain. McGahee eventually found the end zone.
Jordan Cameron watches Willis McGahee get stuffed for no gain. McGahee eventually found the end zone.

Fantasy Football sacrificial lamb of the week: Jordan Cameron

Cameron gets the nod this week after frustrating many fantasy owners by posting a meager 3.6 points when the Browns defeated the Bills on "Thursday Night Football". Losing Brian Hoyer in the first quarter didn't do him any favors, but Cameron struggled to get anything going against the Bills secondary. Finally, when Cameron's number was called in the red zone, he drew a pass interfence call to give the Browns first and one at the one. Did the Browns reward him with a touchdown? Nope. They gave Willis McGahee not one, not two, but three attempts to get into the end zone. Which he finally did. So kudos Jordan Cameron, for taking one for all your fantasy teams so your real team could get the win and move into sole possession of first place in the AFC North for a few short days.

Follow Alex on Twitter @AlexGelhar for his musings on food, film and of course, the occasional insightful football comment.

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