It was a good week for ...
It was a bad week for ... aging running backs!
Tweet of the week
This is the downside of turning the Summer Of Gronk into a three-season event. While we're here, what would the ratings be if ABC got Gronk to be on The Bachelor? Goosebumps just thinking about it.
Rex is all in
Rex said in his introductory press conference that his goal in Buffalo was to "build a bully." He made this goal literal when the Billssigned Richie Incognito, the NFL's version of Nelson from The Simpsons. Now Ryan's taking things a step further by customizing his truck in Bills colors, which incidentally, is exactly something the rich bully from an Orchard Park-area high school would do to his own truck.
Cardinals got llama jokes
One of my great regrets in life was being out to lunch when the llama escape went down. There are some things you should be in a newsroom for. Wild llama rampage makes the cut.
Anyway, this is the type of stuff that earns social media managers lifetime achievement awards. Blessed by fate, the Cardinals Twitter feed went all in.
The dress is white and gold.
Quote of the Week
"I messed up in the NFC Championship Game, and trust me, it hurts. I'll probably think about my role in the botched onside kick every day for the rest of my life. It haunts me like a recurring nightmare."
Man, that sucks. Bostick added that he received "a lot" of death threats on Twitter. If you're one of those people, and you're reading this right now, do not procreate. Find a forest and go live in it.
You can own your piece of WTF history
Hey, remember Rob Ford? (He was the internet fascination after Charlie Sheen but before the gold and white dress.) Anyway, at the height of his crack-smoking run as a civil servant, the then-Toronto mayor showed up to a press conference wearing an NFL novelty tie from the mid-90s. This remains an all-time WTF moment (Ford publicly admitted to drug abuse during the presser!).
One Browns player takes on his team's new helmet
So long, Michael Roos
Hero of the Week: Skim Milk
The good news for Kelce? Well, there is none. He didn't get the prized belt buckle, he was defeated by a man with a .23 alcohol content, and his teammates now have video footage to bury him during training camp film sessions. Kelce better hope the Chiefs don't show up on Hard Knocks.
What The What?
Me and my friends have always enjoyed bad movies. There's something wonderfully entertaining about a truly inept film made by people who sincerely attempt to create art. Call it direct-to-DVD schadenfreude. The Room. From Justin To Kelly. Thicker Than Water. Troll 2. Radical Jack.. Crackerjack. Really, any movie with "Jack" in the title.
And now we have ... well, I'm not sure it has a name. For now let's call it The Untitled Marshawn Lynch Biopic and it has a chance to take the crown as The Best Worst Movie Ever.
The YouTube trailer was already yanked down after murderous initial reviews by smarmy bloggers like myself. Luckily, the people at Business Insider have kept it alive. My favorite moments from the nearly five-minute teaser trailer:
»*0:25:* Some rando surges at a teenaged Lynch like Jack Ruby and clumsily explains the genesis of "Beast Mode": "You was in the zone. Was it like, your body and your mind took a backseat while your body took over." This couldn't have been the line in the script.
»*0:58:* Obligatory overmatched coach shouting out: "G-d dammit! What coverage are we in, Jerry!"
»*2:23:* Marshawn begins to play himself as a freshman at Cal. He doesn't quite pass for 18, but let's just roll with it.
»*2:43:* "Hey little Marshawn! Hey little Marshawn!" Who the hell cut this trailer?
»*3:20:* Here's Marshawn being romantic in a play for leading man status: (Shows lower grill) "And you see why I'm so charming."
»*3:40:* Oscar bait alert!!! "I'm right here! Where I started at! I'm still here! How I forget!"
I will get my hands on this movie, even if I have to blowtorch into a safe in Marshawn Lynch's panic room to get it.
Until next time ...