The NFL is a maelstrom of mediocrity these days.
How do you quantify mediocrity? How about the fact that there are just three teams with only one loss or less. That's the fewest number of those teams at this stage of the season since 1983. Every team is as average as both Matt Cassel and Matt LeBlanc.
While some love the clash of the so-so's, I was so turned off on Monday that I switched over from Tennessee-Jacksonville to watch "Death Wish 3" for a little while. Granted, watching Charles Bronson waste hoodlums on the MGM studio backlot -- while wearing a blazer only guys in Cialis commercials can pull off -- wasn't exhilarating. And I did eventually switch back to watch some exciting Trent Edwards football. But the point remains: What happened to all of the good teams?
Wondering about the quality of contenders while watching a guilty-pleasure-but-still-awful Bronson movie caused me to take note of how similar some of these teams are to blockbuster movies of my younger days. There are a lot of similarities between preseason favorites that start 1-4 and the new "Clash of the Titans," which was so bad that even Harry Hamlin doesn't want to be linked to it.
So what teams that were supposed to stampede towards the playoffs have been almost as disappointing as Nicolas Cage's epic, "Windtalkers"? Here's a list:
Green Bay Packers ("Major League 2")
There are so many parallels between these two teams. Remember how the producers tried to replace Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps and hoped nobody would notice? Ditto Mike McCarthy and Ted Thompson, who tried to sneak Brandon Jackson as Ryan Grant by Packers fans.
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"Major League 2" was missing some key guys, especially junkballer Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross), much like the Packers are without Jermichael Finley, Nick Barnett and a host of others. The only thing more flawed than the plot and writing in the movie is the gameplan and play-calling of McCarthy, who is every bit as charming as the Indians' crusty manager Lou Brown (played by the late James Gammon).
Minnestoa Vikings ("The Bridges of Madison County")
Clint Eastwood did the same thing with this 1995 snoozer, casting an over-the-hill sex symbol (himself) with Meryl Streep. Everyone praises Streep, much like the pro football world gushes over Moss, but the fact is her steamy days ended with "Silkwood," which is to say they never really started. Moss was once a game-changer, but how many big days does a 33-year-old speed receiver have left?
Brett Favre has shown his years more this season than Eastwood did in the half-naked bathtub scenes. That said, this flick did OK at the box office, and the Vikings may be on their way after beating our next pretender last Sunday.
Dallas Cowboys ("Pearl Harbor")
The parallels are endless. Tony Romo was left for dead after two losses in December 2009, only to make a triumphant return to the playoffs, much like Ben Affleck's character returns from the dead in this World War II bust. Remember in the movie how you secretly wished the Japanese would make another bomb run and just take out Affleck?
I felt genuinely guilty about that. But I can't say I didn't want to make a helmet-to-helmet hit on Romo with a Japanese Zero after that interception to E.J. Henderson on Sunday.
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And what about that three-way sordid love story? Affleck won't call Kate Beckinsale any names, even though she bagged his best friend (Josh Hartnett) while he was left for dead in the English Channel. In Dallas, Jerry Jones doesn't say anything, but I'd have to think he wants to make a change at head coach. Unfortunately for Jones, the players are all too pleased to have a players' coach like Wade Phillips, just as Hartnett was more than happy to make sure Beckinsale wasn't too lonely.
San Francisco 49ers ("Predator 2")
From one war film to another. Wait, what was "Predator 2", anyway? War film, Sci-Fi, action flick?
Either way, it was pretty high on the unintentional comedy scale -- as are the 49ers. Alex Smith looks as out of place running the Niners' offense as Gary Busey did leading a special forces unit with his frosted hair and silver jumpsuit.
This movie was supposed to be carried by Danny Glover, but like 49ers coach Mike Singletary, he's better in a supporting role. Glover was great in the "Lethal Weapon" franchise as Roger Murtaugh, just like Singletary would be great -- as a linebackers coach.
Remember when all hell broke loose, and Busey couldn't communicate with his command truck, which looked like a converted roach coach with some switchboards and monitors? That's your Niners offense in a nutshell: Totally ineffective, no one knows what play is being called, and all of it takes place in a dump dressed as a stadium.
Indianapolis Colts ("European Vacation")
The Griswalds go on a family trek through Europe with Rusty and Audrey, except it wasn't really Rusty and Audrey. At least it wasn't Anthony Michael Hall and what's-her-name from the first movie. That's because Chevy Chase could carry the films with different offspring each time out and nobody gave a damn -- well, at least until Vegas Vacation bombed.
Are the Colts European Vacation, or Vegas vacation? Peyton Manning is Clark Griswald, there's no question about that. He keeps putting up numbers despite different Rusty's and Audrey's out there running fly routes. The interchangeable parts at wide receiver include Anthony Gonzalez played by Pierre Garcon, and Austin Collie played by the inimitable Blair White.
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Why the Colts on this list? Considering they're always 6-0 by now, 4-2 is a letdown. After "Caddyshack," "Fletch," and "National Lampoon's Vacation," it was hard to believe Chevy Chase could be in a dud. But, contrary to what you've blacked out, "Fletch Lives" and "European Vacation" really happened.
Cincinnati Bengals ("Batman and Robin")
Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco have called themselves Batman and Robin. It's an appropriate moniker, considering the movie of the same name and the state of the Bengals.
In this poor installment of the Batman film series, Chris O'Donell plays Robin. I spent the whole movie trying to recall what O'Donnell was ever good in. Was Ochocinco once upon a time an elite player? I'm not sure I can remember.
But the real death knell of the 2010 Bengals and this movie is the inability to get anything better than bargain brand villains. By the time this movie came out, the producers pretty much ran out of bad guys for Batman to whack, so you got Arnold Schwarzenegger as "Mr. Freeze" and Uma Thurman as "Poison Ivy." The Bengals can't even lose to good bad guys this year. The Browns? The Buccaneers? Seriously?
San Diego Chargers ("Rocky V")
For the first five minutes, every Rocky sequel looked like it was gonna suck. But they always came together at the end, whether it was Rocky beating Apollo, Rocky hugging Apollo, or Rocky "seein' a lot of changin'". But "Rocky V" strung you along until you came to the realization that there wasn't five good minutes anywhere in the movie.
This could be the 2010 Chargers. Every year they start sluggishly -- including 2-4 this season -- but finish with a bang. But like a punch-drunk Rocky, these Vincent Jackson, Shawne Merriman, LaDainian Tomlinson-less Chargers lack any punch. This might be the end of the road.
