The Pro Bowl is suddenly harder to kill than Jon Snow. The league announced this week that its all-star game will move from Honolulu to Orlando, the home of Mickey Mouse, Matchbox Twenty and a landfill of Dwight Howard jerseys.
Also announced was the return of the traditional AFC vs. NFC format, ending the three-year experiment of fantasy-type rosters selected by Jerry Rice, Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders.
Quick aside: I'm going to miss #TeamRice. What a ride. Jerry was so bad at his job. I'll always cherish when he burned a second-round pick on Khalil Mack (that's right, he took a linebacker with his second pick in a Pro Bowl) or the time things got legitimately awkward on the set after Gerald McCoy followed a questionable roster decision by calling Rice "the worst GM of all time" to his face. You can't put a price on that kind of memory.
You're not going to believe it, but the final "fantasy Pro Bowl" ended with a 22-point loss for Team Rice. Maybe Jerry can be the new Crying Jordan meme?
That's the social media correspondence of a relieved man.
Maybe the Pro Bowl finds new life in Florida, but if I could make one suggestion: Scrap the game and just roll with the Skills Competition. The NFL fazed it out almost a decade ago but we never got a decent reason why. It's time to bring it back and introduce new elements, like an event where Odell Beckham tries to escape Khloe Kardashian's spider web of desire or a speed round where we see how quickly a GM can get off the phone with Greg Hardy's agent. As a special bonus, we could track down Jake Delhomme and have him go down in flames in the accuracy competition (2:20 mark here) like old times.
Ratings gold, Shadowy League Figures. Gold!
Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.
Goff's fan loyalty is problematic
Jared Goff, we need to talk. You're the No. 1 pick. The Rams and the city of Los Angeles need to be able to trust you. And yet, this grotesque disloyalty you continue to exhibit for your hometown sports teams speaks to troubling character traits.
It started after the draft, when you told reporters you were open to dropping the San Francisco Giants to support the L.A. Dodgers, who are only the Giants' most hated rival for like 400 years. We remember this tweet, kid. We saw you in the bleachers. Borderline treason.
Now you're expressing interest in a "dual fanship" between the Golden State Warriors and L.A. Lakers. Bruh.
There are no "dual fanships." That's a made-up term for a man without a country. Don't be that guy.
Years ago, some buddies and I coined an expression that described the exact moment a person makes a comment in casual conversation that secretly -- secret even to them -- outs that person as a fool, snake, villain or worse. We called it ¡La Reveal Magnifico! -- which loosely translates to The Great Reveal.
Goff's casual admission to what Bill Simmons once referred to as "sports bigamy" is the QB's own ¡La Reveal Magnifico!. It's a bad look and the Rams are destined to go 7-9 until the polar ice cap melts.
'Free Brady' Holy War reaches minor leagues
Let's give it up for minor league baseball, which continues to entertain us with their endlessly creative promotions. On Tuesday, we learned that the Pawtucket Red Sox -- longtime Triple-A affiliate of the Boston Red Sox -- will host "Free Brady Friday" on June 10. If your first or last name is "Tom" or "Brady" you get into the game for free.
This was cute, and it did not escape the attention of the Buffalo Bisons -- the Triple-A affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays. A day after the PawSox announcement, the Bisons announced #KeepBradySuspended Night. The Bisons -- or is it the Bison? -- took a blowtorch to a knife fight in their rebuttal.
» Buy-one, get-one free tickets to anyone that brings a "properly-inflated" football to be donated to area youth football programs
» Accepting "un-destroyed" cell phone donations for 'Cell Phones for Soldiers' charity
» A 12.5 (PSI joke!) percent discount in the Bisons' gift shop for anyone that brings a Tom Brady jersey/t-shirt to add to the postgame fireworks display
I will give everyone on the internet $10 if Rex Ryan doesn't throw out the first pitch at this game. In fact, I'm almost certain Rex and his charlatan brother Rob cooked up this entire Bisons promotion. But that's an investigation for another End Around.
Catching Kelce
We've talked plenty about Aaron Rodgers' brother, Jordan, currently on his heroic quest for love on "The Bachelorette." But he's not the only guy with NFL ties who's turned to reality television for love -- or fame -- OK, it's probably fame.
Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce spent part of his offseason taping "Catching Kelce," a "dating competition series" that will air at some point in the future on E!, home of the Kardashians. We'd tell you when the series premiered, but Kelce wouldn't cop to knowing that information when asked about his star turn at Chiefs OTAs.
In fact, ol' Travis was reluctant to talk about anything connected to his "Catching Kelce" with Chiefs beat reporters. Seriously, he's like a man attempting to crawl out of his skin here:
If you watch that press availability in real time, you can watch 8 to 12 percent of Kelce die with every follow-up question. He almost seems to regret his decision, which now makes this must-DVR programming over at Hanzus Manor.
And I guess the lesson is clear: It's only a good idea to go on a date with 50 different women on TV until you realize your friends, family (including Mom), teammates and America will see it all. In the immortal words of Bart Scott: Can't wait.
Savage
What the what?
Megatron registry
Congrats to retired Lions great Calvin Johnson, who is getting married next Saturday. His wedding registry is online -- the net is a stalker's paradise! -- and here are our five favorite items on the list:
- Straws
Practical. Colorful. Fun.
- Mini Chocolate Fondue Fountain
This is the type of crap you put on your registry because you can't think of anything else. Both the couple and their guests intrinsically understand this. There is a zero percent chance anyone buys this.
- Step stool
This exact item was on my registry once upon a time. Somebody bought it for us and I use it almost every week. This is a good wedding gift.
- Toilet Paper Dispenser
Love it.
- Human Touch Reflex4 Foot and Calf Massager
Like the fondue fountain, this is another, "Honey, I've run out of things to put on this list" item, but if you're a Lions fan, this is your chance to purchase an item that will soothe Megatron's battered lower half and perhaps -- just perhaps -- convince his better half to end this retirement nonsense.
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</strike> 14 NFL starters: They're just like us!
Andy Dalton is f------ adorable.
This isn't even the first car-related catastrophe for the Glowing Ginger Man this year. Who could forget his Twitter Hail Mary back in February:
Dalton got his suitcases back, and apparently escaped #pumpgate without any serious damage to his Land Rover or gas station property. If only this type of dumb luck carried over to January football.
And now, underwhelming promotional tweets with the Cleveland Browns
Who are the Browns in this photo who are not Joe Thomas? No cheating.
3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
Quote of the Week
"He lives like he's broke. He still lives like, 'Cuz, let me get $10.' 'Oooh, $10? Cuz, I don't know. I don't got it right now. How much is them? Oooh, $40? No, let me get the $15 ones.' Like, that's how he is. You'll be like, 'Bro, are you serious?' Like, we'll go out to eat or go somewhere and he'll be like, 'How much is the whomp whomp? Oooh, hell no! $60? Oh no, no. Let me get the $25 one right there, though, the one on the side of it. Yup, that one's good!' I'm like, 'Cuz, you are a cheap-ass [expletive], bro.' That's just how he is. You learn to love him."
-- Oakland rapper Mistah F.A.B. on first cousin Marshawn Lynch, who has yet to spend one cent of the $50 million he made during his NFL career
But let's not get too carried away with the "Beast Mode is a frugal man uninterested in material possessions" narrative. Case in point:
Until next time ...
Follow Dan Hanzus on Twitter @danhanzus.
