Leicester City clinched their first ever Premier League title this week, completing one of the greatest upsets in the history of the other football.
This was a crazy-big deal in Europe. The EPL isn't like the NFL: There's no salary cap, which typically has the effect of keeping championship glory in the possession of a handful of dominant teams. But Leicester City became an outlier -- the proverbial little team that could. Congrats, Foxes. (I assume most of the roster reads the End Around.) I'd offer you beer, but you and your fans probably drank it all by now.
The Foxes' historic conquest got us thinking: What would be the NFL equivalent of Leicester City winning it all?
A Cleveland Browns triumph in Super Bowl 51 immediately comes to mind, and perhaps with good reason. Picture this: Robert Griffin III -- glowing in officially licensed championship merch -- hoists the Lombardi Trophy above his head as his home-state fans roar for their prodigal son. Jimmy Haslam offers his greatest guffaw yet. Sashi Brown embraces Paul DePodesta as FOX mics catch Sashi dropping a, "We f------ did it, Paulie!" Joe Buck apologizes to listeners in a way that is more serious than it needs to be. Josh Gordon does confetti angels at the 50-yard line with Corey Coleman. Joe Thomas wanders on the fringes of the celebration, daughters in each arm, a dazed grin on his face. An overzealous team official grabs the mic from Terry Bradshaw and hollers, "Today we are all Browns!"
That sounds impossible right? Well, so was the idea of Leicester City winning it all. A dream is a dream only until it becomes real.
Bon voyage, Gronk Party Ship?
"I heard it [was] absolutely crazy," little Gronk told WCMF radio, via ESPN.com. "But it might have been too crazy to do another one, they said."
You remember the Gronk Party Ship, right? Back in February, Rob Gronkowski was the host and main attraction of a party cruise that traveled from Miami to the Bahamas. The Boston Globe sent multiple reporters to cover the event. Flo Rida performed. Gronks danced, fists pumped, no one fell overboard. It was a huge success.
Or not. ESPN's Sarah Spain reported that 750 people attended Gronkfest, which fell far short of the estimated initial attendance of 2,500. Perhaps this explains why 1,600 passengers aboard the Norwegian Pearl were entirely unaware they were on the Gronk Party Ship until they were in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
For those who still need their fix of pulsating EDM, $9 shots and the company of sleeveless bros in their most natural element, the good news is that you can always get this where it all began: The Jersey Shore. The next seismic Gronk event should be held at D'Jais.
Trent Richardson's odds are greater than we thought
This explains so much.
I feel like Jaxson de Ville had a really nice mascot run -- there was little that Jax wouldn't do for the sake of entertainment -- but there's just no way this woman shouldn't take over as the Jaguars' brand ambassador. You can send her to elementary schools, church functions, parades, strip mall openings and have her regale Jacksonville residents with tales of her Miami beach house and the proper way to take it to the limit while still playing by the rules.
That look at the end, though. Wow. Large Marge stuff. If you told me the man taking the video burst into flames after her final line, I'd absolutely believe it. In fact, there is almost no way this guy is still alive. My first order of business after publishing this column will be to launch a Kickstarter to help the man's young family.
Play the game the right way
Step it up, Eagles
I've heard from a source close to the Philadelphia sports scene that Carson Wentz actually got the first-class treatment from the Eagles, but he still flew commercial. He had to go through that awful security line, he had to take his shoes off, they might have checked his fingers for bomb-making residue (what's the deal with that?). You think Elliott had any crying babies sitting behind him?
A moment of silence for Von Miller
Dark days for Sam Bradford
These are trying times for Sam Bradford. While his agent, Tom Condon, is telling anyone who will listen that the QB deserves a fresh start with a team that truly loves him, Philadelphia and the rest of the football world can't seem to get past the idea that Bradford is due to make at least $22 million in Philly for being, well, Sam Bradford. And that's on top of the previous tens of millions accrued for being, well, Sam Bradford.
Has the offseason worked out to plan for Bradford? Obviously not, but he should just be happy he didn't get Fitzpatrick'd. Things can always be worse, Sammy.
Speaking of meat-related atrocities ...
Tweet Of The Week
We are in the midst of an Annie Apple moment! She's clearly more famous than her son right now, and Eli Apple just became a first-round pick of the Giants. This feels like a reality-show opportunity for NFL Network. Note to Shadowy League Figures: This column serves as proof of concept when it's time to designate those lucrative executive producer credits.
Listen to Russell Wilson, NBA
We can give Russ Wilson a hard time around these parts -- I mean, the man makes it so easy -- but good for him for standing up for the professional basketball fans of Seattle. The Sonics should have never left town in the first place, and this week's news was a blow to the cause. Seattle hoops fans will never get to root for Kevin Durant, as was their birth right, but they should at least get a franchise reboot, à la the Browns. That's where you'd want the Browns 2.0 similarities to end, of course.
And while sending out a few tweets hardly constitutes extreme civic activism, it's a start for a quarterback who has shown the personality of an "Entourage" extra since entering the NFL.
Quote of the Week
*"[Karl Joseph] reminds us of Earl Thomas or Bob Sanders. He's gonna be a good player for the silver & black." *
Is it just me, or does every highly touted safety immediately get compared to Earl Thomas, Bob Sanders, Brian Dawkins, Ed Reed or some combination of all four? If you based your knowledge of football on draft analysis alone, you'd think they were the only four guys who have ever done a damn thing in their careers at the position.
Heroes of the Week: Sewing room staff
This isn't easy work! It's up to rookies to make a name for themselves in the NFL. But here's a shout-out for the behind-the-scenes people who literally put that name on the backs of the rookies.
Until next time ...