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Cheers to stars with monkeys; jeers to Chaz's folly

Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.

It was a good week for ...

1. Dan Campbell: The Teal Hulk won our hottest coach bods competition (congrats again, Dan) and his first NFL game in the space of three days. Not bad for a guy who looks like a mid-tier henchman in a Seagal movie.

2. Philip Rivers: While everyone fawns over Rodgers and Brady and Brees (oh my), Rivers is quietly carving up defenses for 500 yards in his 12th season. Rivers could be in the top five in every relevant passing category by the time he's done.

3. Landry Jones: The third-stringer subbed in for an injured Mike Vick and led the Steelers to an upset win over the Cardinals. If he doesn't get a Verizon commercial out of this, his agent isn't trying hard enough.

It was a bad week for ...

1. Chaz Pagano: The Colts coach might want to check Amazon for some flame retardant windbreaker pants after Sunday's fake punt shenanigans. The hot seat is getting warmer.

2. Joe Vitt: The Saints' linebackers coach (and one time interim head coach) suffered a torn Achilles and broken wrist while chasing some guys who were trying to break into cars in his neighborhood. That sounds like a *Mac and Me*-level tumble. Get well soon, coach.

3. Percy Harvin: The wide receiver is pondering his football future as he continues to deal with chronic hip discomfort. Harvin could end up being one of the great "What if?" cases of his generation.

Sunday night in Indianapolis

I serious had to do a double-take to make sure the police officer didn't have his gun drawn on Brady.

Of course, there was also this

Here's the thing: The Colts were almost in the clear on Sunday night. They weren't going to actually beat the Patriots, but they weren't going to get a 60-burger hung on them either, something many expected in what was hyped New England's Deflategate revenge game.

This play -- WTFake, Snapfu, Swinging Gate-gate, take your pick -- wiped all that away. No actual victory, no moral victory, just the Colts again playing the Washington Generals to Belichick's Globetrotters. The Colts' season effectively ended with that play call. How can anyone take them seriously?

Here's the Colts' failure in 8-bit:

And the banner tweets. The banner tweets will never not be funny.

This is not the Patriot Way

The worst part about this is the ironic tanktop-wearing Millennials running the Pats' social media feed pulled down the tweet once it started getting traction. What did they expect? You are the most humorless franchise in American sport and we're not supposed to notice you hanging skyscraper shade on your little brother in Florham Park?

Listen, if you're going to be evil, just embrace it. Go full hog unlikable. This half-measure stuff benefits no one.

Way to go, A-Rod

That's an E-5, but it doesn't help that Jay Glazer has the catch radius of a 14-month-old boy.

The NFL's ongoing catch problem, in three tweets

The current NFL vice president of officiating ...

The former NFL vice president of officiating ...

Is that a lot? That's probably a lot

Move over Brady, you've got company!

That last sentence, though. "Plus, as president he'd be able to say he knows me and he likes me ... LOL!" That is the essence of Terrell Owens distilled. T.O. should be in the Hall of Fame, by the way.

Well, what do you expect when you're playing on a low-grade sandlot?

Wait, you're telling me this is the site of Super Bowl 50? HAND ME THE ROG-PHONE.

Instagram of the week

I respect this. Ever since MJ bought Bubbles, people think that having a monkey is code for "I struggle to relate to other humans." Dez is subverting that notion while gaining a simple-minded friend in the process. I smell an *Ed* sequel!

Tweet of the week

This explains so much. When Marvel runs out of ideas (that has to be soon, right?), I'm pitching Beckham as a new addition to the X-Men franchise.

There is no escape from the force

I'm not a Star Wars guy, which makes the renewed cultural dominance over the latest round of sequels particularly exhausting. I can't even watch Monday Night Football without being bombarded by the Force. I hope the movies are great and Harrison Ford can buy a plane that works, but can't we take the wild fervor to a subreddit or something?

Quote of the Week, Part I

"I don't like turkey because I don't like what happened to the Indians."

-- Seahawks defensive end Michael Bennett, who has effectively trained the media to believe everything he says is Chris Rock Bring The Pain-level transcendent.

Quote of the Week, Part II

"I think it was done with the idea of trying to hurt our quarterback. That's bulls--t football."

-- Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt, who was no fan of the low hit delivered by Dolphins defensive end Olivier Vernon on Marcus Mariota.

Hero of the Week: Daniel Fells

First he was in danger of losing his foot. Then his leg. Then his life. The Giants tight end went through a terrifying ordeal after contracting MRSA, but he fought off the infection and made it home to see his children this week. If this doesn't drop a feels hammer on you, you are a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton.

Until next time ...

Have something you believe deserves the End Around treatment? Hit up Dan on Twitter @danhanzus. Make sure to use #EndAround.

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