Welcome to the Around The League End Around, a weekly(ish) look back at the world of the NFL. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.
It was a good week for ...
1. Michael Sam: When's the last time a seventh-round draft pick got his own introductory news conference and a reality show executive produced by the sitting queen of the Illuminati? I like to imagine the guy picked directly before Sam (Ahmad Dixon) being completely unplugged from society and just furious with his agent for not "making things happen."
2. Tony Romo: It got a little hairy for a bit there, but Tony's career will not devolve into JFF-fueled farce. Whether he wants to admit it or not, Romo had to have been glued to the TV when Roger Goodell stepped to the podium to announce the 16th overall pick.
3. Mike Tannenbaum: The former Jets general manager was the agent behind the five-year, $25 million deal Steve Kerr landed to coach the Golden State Warriors. Commission is a beautiful thing. As is low-level revenge against New York-based sports teams.
It was a bad week for ...
1. Tyler Sash: The former Giants safety was tased and arrested last weekend after taking police on a drunken scooter chase through the streets of Oskaloosa, Iowa. You know the expression, "Don't take a knife to a gun fight?" Related: Don't take a motorized scooter to a police chase.
2. Marcus Lattimore: Everyone is rooting hard for Lattimore to complete his comeback from that knee injury. Unfortunately, the Niners' decision to draft Carlos Hyde tells us Lattimore's redemption tale might have to happen some place other than San Francisco.
3. Andre Johnson: The All-Pro wide receiver wondered aloud this week if Houston was still the place for him. Apparently, the idea of leaping repeatedly to retrieve mortally wounded ducks from Ryan Fitzpatrick and Case Keenum doesn't exactly light up Johnson's Christmas tree.
It was a really bad week for ...
1. Aaron Hernandez: Let's just keep moving.
What the What?
I need you to watch all 116 seconds of the above video, which documents in real time how a diehard Browns fan named Phil celebrates his team's selection of Jonathan Paul Manziel last Thursday night.
Let's do a Zapruder breakdown of this, my favorite Internet video in the history of the medium:» Eric Metcalf jersey (:09)
» Butt crack appearance No. 1 (:15)
» Attractive brunette women observing Phil in awe (:23)
» Phil attempts to mimic a Manziel TD celebration, fails (:32)
» Phil's voice fails him as he joins "Here we go Brownies!" chant (:41)
» Butt crack appearance No. 2 (:45)
» Phil hugs friend in a way not dissimilar to how brothers embrace when one returns from war. (:51)
» (Woman off-camera) "Is he crying?" Yes. Yes he is. (1:00)
» Butt crack appearance No. 3 (1:05)
» Phil discovers an iPhone has been recording him -- he knows he's in trouble. (1:10)
» Phil attempts to mimic Manziel TD celebration, succeeds (1:23)
» Phil has now reached his primal state, screaming "YES!" six times in succession (1:28 to 1:35)
» Phil attempts to start a "Manziel!" chant, then collapses into the arms of a friend. He is spent. (1:49)
Rich people problems
From a Churchill Downs spokesman: "An individual believed to be a member of Wes Welker's group on Kentucky Derby day was the beneficiary of an overpayment north of $14,000 on a wager due to a tote malfunction. In turn, a letter has been sent to that individual in an attempt to resolve the error."
There are seeds of a good buddy-road-trip comedy here, in which two friends travel around America (and beyond!) trying to track down all the money they gave away after their big "win" at the Derby.
In reality, Welker will turn over a couch cushion and find the $14K previously earmarked as Slurpee money.
Adventures in the "Top 100"
NFL Network's "The Top 100 Players of 2014" countdown is back and it's as maddening as ever.
The biggest head-scratcher (thus far) is Matt Forte, the running back who amassed nearly 2,000 yards from scrimmage and 12 touchdowns last season. That's an MVP-type year, and yet Forte's own peers ranked him at No. 91 overall.
Tweet of the week
"Excuse me, sir. What is your refund policy?"
Tweet of the week, Part II
Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) April 6, 2014
It takes a certain level of creepitude to take on the identity of a different person in order to score with chicks. This goes well beyond the level of deception typically associated with The Sleazy Dude At The Bar. To borrow some predraft lingo, it takes the "balls of a burglar" to follow through on this scheme to completion.
Tweet of the week, Part III
Further evidence that Tom Savage is not real person and is, in fact, a creation of the predraft machine willed into the ether by Mel Kiper's vampire hair.
Quote of the Week
"Boy, you have changed. It's unbelievable, it's amazing."
New York radio personality Mike Francesa, during a Rex Ryan interview filled with coaching bromides and well-worn platitudes handed down from Mt. Cliche.
Hero of the Week: Jim Kelly
No one would blame Jim Kelly if he kept a low profile while battling a vicious recurrence of cancer. Instead, the Hall of Famer has stayed in the spotlight, and is doing his part in the effort to keep the Bills in Buffalo. This is a good dude who deserved a better hand.
The headline says it all. The ATL team tells you how your team might look come Week 1. Guaranteed we're correct or your money back.
"Jeff Fisher, Rams embrace Michael Sam: An inside look" -- NFL Media columnist Michael Silver
Silver had war-room access with the Rams when the team made the decision to draft Michael Sam. ESPN's living room coverage of Sam getting the news was emotional. Hearing what was going on at the other end of the line is equally fascinating.
Until next time ...