Once upon a time, on a website far, far away, we used to take a weekly, top-to-bottom trip around the National Football League known as "32 Questions."
Thanks to some grumpy men in purple, that ended abruptly last September, leaving far more than 32 of you with indignant queries of your own. Now, at long last, there is clarity: 32Q has returned in all its red, white and blue splendor, just in time for an NFL season that will be unquestionably charged and compelling.
For those of you who've never experienced the magic that is 32Q, here's a quick primer: We at 32 Questions Headquarters ("32QHQ," for the cool kids) will never say the "R-word," as this is no BCS-tainted football landscape -- and besides, NFL.com has that whole thing handled quite capably in another format.
That said, the sequential listing of these inquisitive musings represents our (translation: my) take on the current NFL pecking order, meaning that 31 fan bases will regularly accuse me of a) hating the team they love; b) writing this column while under the influence; and c) having "no credibility," which many would define as "an innate and unceasing affirmation of my irrational beliefs."
This, of course, is all good: Passion is what drives this sport, and whether you're a fan of the team I'm picking to win it all or the one I fear might not win at all, 32Q will have something for you each Monday through the end of the season.
A week from now -- by which time, you know, real games actually will have been played -- we'll all have much stronger opinions about the assemblage of this food chain. Until then, I'm conflicted about what to do with teams like the defending NFC East champion Washington Redskins, what with the uncertainty surrounding star quarterback Robert Griffin III's surgically repaired knee and the conflicting sentiments attributed to said quarterback, head coach Mike Shanahan and physician/aspiring offensive coordinator James Andrews.
Meanwhile, up the parkway, the Baltimore Ravens are being dissed and dismissed by virtually everyone. Typically, as a sign of respect, I give the defending champs the top spot heading into the season. This time, despite my deep regard for the organization, I'm going off the reservation and projecting that Life After Ray won't be quite as charmed.
After all, nothing is typical here at 32QHQ. We're thrilled to be back, and we won't stop inquiring until someone cuts the mic and drags us off the stage.
Throw your hands up:
2) San Francisco 49ers: When Jim Harbaugh told reporters, "We're the San Francisco 49ers. We can do whatever we want," was one of them tempted to respond, "Like cause a power outage in the Super Bowl?"
3) Atlanta Falcons: If you were one of those people in March getting worked up about the prospect of Tony Gonzalez having time off during training camp, can you now admit you should have taken a chill pill?
6) Baltimore Ravens: Am I the only person who thinks that if Elvis Dumervil sacks Peyton Manning in Thursday night's opener, the Ravens' newest pass rusher should celebrate by pretending to load a spool of old-school fax paper?
11) Green Bay Packers: After Ted Thompson told the Green Bay Press-Gazette that people worried about the Pack's young tackles should "go on with their life," did the Packers' general manager mutter under his breath, "but please keep watching games and buying our merchandise"?
14) Indianapolis Colts: Given that one highly respected talent evaluator told me Dwayne Allen is Indy's "second-best player" behind Andrew Luck, is it any wonder I'm predicting a breakout season for the second-year tight end?
17) New York Giants: When punter Steve Weatherford said he wanted "to see some progression" from his teammates during the preseason, did "Father Time" set his watch alarm to ensure that he'd remember to check on said progress the following week?
18) Arizona Cardinals: When Larry Fitzgerald screamed "We've got a quarterback!" during a preseason game in Green Bay, did a bunch of Oakland Raiders receivers simultaneously exclaim, "And we don't!"?
20) Detroit Lions: After wideout Nate Burleson vowed to donate $500 per dropped pass to Detroit-area schools, wouldn't it have been sporting of former team president Matt Millen to offer the same for each draft pick bungled during his tenure?
24) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: How great would it be if Greg Schiano were to announce that Darrelle Revis "will be in the starting lineup for the opener against the Jets ... and return at least one interception for a touchdown"?
27) Cleveland Browns: If a judge asks Josh Gordon or Greg Little to run a "streak" pattern when they appear in Cleveland Municipal Court two days after the Browns' season opener, will Anthony Saveriano line up in the slot?
30) New York Jets: The next time my NFL Media colleague Jeff Darlington and I debrief with a certain New York Daily News reporter at the downtown Indianapolis Steak 'n Shake, what are the odds we'll order an honorary triple steakburger with cheese for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie?
31) Jacksonville Jaguars: Speaking of which ... has Jags senior vice president of technology and analytics Tony Khan broken down the precise dip in life expectancy caused by ingesting a combine's worth of mint cookies 'n cream shakes -- and even if he has, is there any chance that will stop me from consuming said shakes come February?
Follow Michael Silver on Twitter @MikeSilver.