Those pesky Salem witches are at it again.
Roughly 300 years after they were put on trial in hard-hitting colonial Massachusetts, a modern-day cadre of sorceresses are joining forces to ensure Tom Brady and the Patriots will come out on top in Saturday's AFC divisional playoff against the Broncos.
The group plans to gather Friday (the 13th, mind you) to nullify any curses associated with Brady being splashed on the cover of past issues of Sports Illustrated. No Tim Tebow hexes are planned -- these are nice witches, with jobs and email addresses -- but the ladies are heavily into Patriots football and not afraid to toy with the outcome.
"I'm going to raise the energy of the universe and send out all the good mojo," a sorceress by the name Lorelei told the Boston Herald. "(Fellow witch) Lori will call in the Angels."
These witches boast a deep resume. Last year, they attempted an intervention for Charlie Sheen, but attendance was spotty, according to Lorelei: "When we told them this Circle was for Tom Brady, oh, everybody will be there!"
One of the witches, hot on arts-and-crafts, has pieced together a Brady puppet, which will be placed atop an alter piled high with "mojo bags" containing herbs and stones for every member of the Patriots.
Lorelei then will move into Tebowing formation -- the logic here is sound -- and unleash the following chant: "Tom Brady will see what he needs to see, be where he needs to be and will take the Patriots to another victory!"
Can we back up a minute?
Right now, someone's floating around Salem with a Bill Belichick "mojo bag."
We have no words.