Matt Forte says he'll report on Aug. 1. Then says he'll come on Aug. 7. Then Aug. 9. Then Aug. 15. Aug 22. Then Sept. 5. Then by opening day. Michael Bush has a hard time showing his 2011 form, so the Bears decide to move Devin Hester to running back to maximize his talent. Hunting-knife scary.

Tony Romo is the exact same quarterback he's been the last nine seasons. DeMarco Murray is in and out of practice with various injuries. Miles Austin starts dating Kim Kardashian again. And the stop-in-your tracks moment when you realize Dez Bryant has started hanging out at the mall again -- so Jerry Jones announces he's going to be his roommate in camp to help him along. Swiss Army knife-scary.

Jahvid Best assumes the starting running back role but underperforms/gets hurt. Ditto Mikel Leshoure. Ditto Kevin Smith. Billy Sims is the opening day running back. Detroit is once again a one-dimensional team, which will get you through the regular season but not far in the playoffs. Serrated dinner knife-scary.

Peyton Manning suffers an "undisclosed arm injury" and is limited in practice. A frustrated Demaryius Thomas tells the media he knows Tim Tebow would be healthy enough to practice. John Elway ships Thomas to the Indianapolis Colts for Reggie Wayne. Marvin Harrison is seen watching the final preseason game from Pat Bowlen's luxury box. Steak knife-scary.

After a quiet early part of camp, analysts start calling Brandon Lloyd "Chad." The team, and the fans, don't forgive Wes Welker for his drop or contract squabble. Despite an overhaul, the defense looks much like it did in 2011. After the final preseason game, Bill Belichick cuts all his wideouts and announces he'll start five tight ends from now on. Utility knife-scary.

Despite Jim Irsay continuing to tweet Andrew Luck will be in camp on time, he still isn't signed by Aug. 25. Irsay then tweets that Luck has been in camp for the entire month of August and has been practicing and playing in pre-season games, even though no one else has seen him. Chuck Pagano begins to dress up a practice squad player in Luck's No. 12 jersey during workouts to stop mass hysteria from taking over the city. Uma Thurman's Kill-Bill sword-scary.

Adrian Peterson looks great in drills when there's no defense and he can run straight ahead without having to cut. In games, it's much different. Christian Ponder starts drawing comparisons to Blaine Gabbert. Percy Harvin becomes the starting quarterback. Minnesota simplifies its playbook to two plays: Harvin takes it outside and Toby Gerhart up the middle. Kukri knife-scary.

Ahmad Bradshaw is upset splitting time with David Wilson. Osi Umenyiora re-reads his contract and reiterates how upset he is with his situation. For the 57th time in his tenure, it's rumored Tom Coughlin has "lost the team." Plaxico Burress announces he'd be OK being the Giants' No. 3 receiver. Scalpel-scary.

Mark Sanchez completes about half of his passes in training camp. Tim Tebow completes 60 percent of his passes in training camp. Sanchez struggles against opponents' first-team defenses, while Tebow excels against the second-teamers. New York newspapers go to all-Jets, all-the-time coverage. The New York Post's content is diluted to just Tebow and lotto numbers. But the scariest thing is this: Santonio Holmes starts giving interviews. Grim Reaper scythe-scary.

Darren McFadden is the NFL's leading rusher in the first two weeks of the preseason. Then in practice he turns his ankle, and the team has no idea when he'll be ready to play again. In a rush, the team signs Cedric Benson, who averages one yard per carry in the next two games. Mark Davis is seen lunching with AEG executives in Los Angeles. Full length sword-scary.

Ben Roethlisberger and Todd Haley stop talking and only communicate through third parties and registered letter. The more you see Isaac Redman play, the more he looks like DeShaun Foster instead of Arian Foster. Mike Wallace gives the impression he's going to go through a DeSean Jackson 2011-type season as he shuts it down in advance of a bigger payday next year. Turkey carving knife-scary.

Randy Moss shows he has nothing left and is waived. A.J. Jenkins struggles as he takes a while to learn an NFL offense. Mario Manningham is exposed as what he really is: a No. 3 receiver who's successful when he has two really good guys in front of him. Michael Crabtree finishes the preseason as the 49ers' best receiver. One of those infomercial knives that can cut through vegetables or a tin can or a lead pipe-scary.

Robert Griffin III is underwhelming on the practice field and overmatched in limited preseason action. In late August, unnamed sources say Griffin is unhappy with trying to make it work in Mike Shanahan's system and that he feels he can't reach his full potential. Shanahan is let go on the eve of the regular-season opener, replaced by Bill Parcells, who says only RG3 would make him return to the sideline. Bowie knife-scary.