That Helps No One Week 9: A Polk in the eye

On any given NFL weekend, many different players score touchdowns. Most of them are frequently started on fantasy football rosters. But others come out of nowhere to vulture touchdowns or beat a third-string cornerback repeatedly for a career-day. In fantasy, these are our That Helps No One champions. The players whose success leads to the imminent demise of countless fantasy teams. All season long, we'll be tracking and crowning a That Helps No One winner each week on NFL Fantasy LIVE. Below are the top candidates for Week 9.

I'm glad we're kicking off the Week 9 edition of That Helps No One with this Fasano touchdown. While many fantasy owners picked up Alex Smith as a spot-start option with the likes of Aaron Rodgers, Matthew Stafford, Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler on a bye, the real That Helps No One pain of this touchdown came on the fact that Jamaal Charles was stopped on the 1-yard line, setting up this laugher of a touchdown that serves as a microcosm for the Jets season. By that I mean that things are falling apart so quickly that teams can literally score against the Jets while lying down.

After rookie John Brown delivered a big game against the Philadelphia Eagles last week, plenty of fantasy owners probably swooped in and picked him up for some bye week assistance given the number of big-name wide receivers on byes. Those same owners probably jumped for joy when they saw the name Brown on the back of the Cardinals jersey after Carson Palmer gunned a pass into the end zone. However, all of their fantasy dreams were dashed when that player rolled over and revealed that it was in fact second-year wideout Jaron Brown, not John Brown, who hauled in that touchdown pass. Not only does this pass help no one in terms of fantasy production (aside from Carson Palmer owners), but it doesn't help anyone trying to differentiate between Browns on the football field. Can we get Jaron Brown to add a "Sr." to his jersey a la Steve Smith with the Panthers? That'd be great, thanks.

You know, to be completely honest I'm kind of surprised Chase Ford hadn't made it into a That Helps No One column yet. He's been slowly creeping more and more into the Vikings offensive plans, and with the disappearing act Cordarrelle Patterson continues to perform on Sundays it was only a matter of time before Ford swooped in to ruin fantasy owners days. That time came on Sunday when Teddy Bridgewater hit a wide open (how the hell did no one cover him?) Ford for a deep touchdown.

As a LeSean McCoy owner in one of my more important leagues, this one hurt on so many levels. McCoy was gashing the Houston defense on a drive where the Eagles didn't feel the need to pass the ball. They rotated in Polk to spell McCoy on a few plays, and Polk did well on his runs to help the drive keep going. However, the fact that Chip Kelly gave Polk the ball near the goal line was a kick in the fantasy you know whats. McCoy still had a great day, rushing for over 100 yards for the second time in four weeks, but it would have been soooo great to let Shady get back to being Shady again by actually getting in the end zone. Thanks Chip Kelly and Chris Polk, for nothing. I mean, the least you could have done was give it to Darren Sproles to help out those who started him in their flex position. But instead, you chose to help no one. Shame on you.

With Stepfan Taylor sidelined for the Cardinals Week 9 game against the Cowboys, Andre Ellington owners must have been jumping for joy thinking the touchdown vulture was gone, paving the way for a monster day for Ellington. Uh, think again, folks. When there are touchdowns to be vultured, even if the Red Birds aren't in the desert a vulture will arise. This week, said vulture was Marion Grice, whom the Cardinals plucked off of the San Diego Chargers practice squad earlier this season. Who knew they were holding him back and preparing him for a featured role as a touchdown vulture for Ellington? While Bruce Arians might be running away with the coach of the year award in 2014, he's certainly not doing fantasy coaches any favors with all of these That Helps No One champions on his roster.

This one didn't sting as much as other entries this week given that Jordan Cameron didn't suit up and Josh Gordon is still serving his suspension. However, the fact that Hoyer wasn't able to flip this to Andrew Hawkins who has become a waiver wire darling (and PPR goldmine) in recent weeks is borderline offensive. We would have even settled for any one of your running backs, Hoyer, seriously.

The Raiders D/ST is owned in just 1.4 percent of leagues, even after a week with six teams on a bye. If you were the one magical person who actually started them, on the road in Seattle, then I tip my cap to thee. But otherwise their punt block for a touchdown helped absolutely no one in fantasy football.

So who do you think should take home the Week 9 #ThatHelpsNoOne crown? Weigh in on Twitter with #ThatHelpsNoOne and be sure to tune in to NFL Fantasy LIVE (weekdays at 5 p.m. ET on NFL Network) to see who is crowned the Week 9 winner!

-- Follow Alex on Twitter @AlexGelhar.

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