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That Helps No One Week 16: All hail Zurlon!

On any given NFL weekend, many different players score touchdowns. Most of them are frequently started on fantasy football rosters. But others come out of nowhere to vulture touchdowns or beat a third-string cornerback repeatedly for a career-day. In fantasy, these are our That Helps No One champions. The players whose success leads to the imminent demise of countless fantasy teams. All season long, we'll be tracking and crowning a That Helps No One winner each week on NFL Fantasy LIVE. Below are the top candidates for Week 16.

This was a week where a crop of players with fantastic names scored irrelevant fantasy touchdowns, and headlining that group was the one and only Zurlon Tipton. Tipton's touchdown was particularly egregious because he not only came from a team chock full of fantasy studs (even with T.Y. Hilton sidelined), but he caught his touchdown pass in garbage time from ... Matt Hasselback. Yup. Andrew Luck had performed so poorly in this blowout loss to the Cowboys that the Colts turned to the veteran backup rather than risk Luck getting injured. The only thing that could have made this touchdown better was if Tipton had a celebration akin to the "Zoltan" symbol from "Dude Where's My Car?"

Sadly, I don't have another "Dude Where's My Car?" reference queued up for this blurb about Young. I know, talk about disappoinment. Which is what Alfred Morris must feel every Sunday when he is passed over for backups, fullbacks, and Jake from State Farm for touchdowns near the goal line. I'm beginning to seriously wonder what is causing this conspiracy, as it has stretched well beyond the era of Shanahanigans in Washington. If anyone has any tips or hot takes, send them my way on Twitter @AlexGelhar.

My guess is that there weren't many fantasy owners this weekend pinning their championship hopes to a 49ers offense that had scored four touchdowns in its previous five games. Still, with Carlos Hyde injured, some might have pegged Frank Gore to have a solid game (and he did). But his performance could have been even better had Bruce Ellington not vultured two red-zone touchdowns. The first, as you can see, was on a short pass from Colin Kaepernick. The other was on a run ... from 1 yard out. Sigh.

As was the case with the 49ers, I can't imagine many fantasy championship hopes were resting on the shoulders of the Jets offense. Nevertheless, a few teams might have lobbed out a Hail Mary with Chris Ivory, Eric Decker or Percy Harvin in their flex. So naturally,  to whom does Geno Smith toss his lone touchdown? Jeff. Cumberland. No, not Benedict Cumberbatch, the talented British actor renowned for his roles in "Sherlock," "The Hobbit," and "Star Trek: Into Darkness." Jeff Cumberland, the fourth-year tight end out of Illinois.

Covering the NFL, it's relatively rare when a player pops up in an NFL game who I'm unfamiliar with. Yet, that was the case with Olawale, who scored a fourth-quarter touchdown for the Raiders on Sunday to help them secure a win over the Buffalo Bills. Here's what I've since learned about Olawale: He was undrafted in 2012, and spent part of the year on the Dallas Cowboys practice squad. He then was a practice squad player for the Raiders in 2013, with a few appearances on the active roster over the past two years. He attended college at North Texas, which was also where "Mean" Joe Greene went to school. The "A Football Life" episode on "Mean" Joe Greene was one of my favorites of this season, and you can watch it on NFL Now with the plus subscription. That's all I've got, gang.

Ah, few things are as satisfying as an Orleans Darkwa touchdown run. Wait, what? Poor Andre Williams owners must have been cursing Darkwa's awesome name when he scampered into the end zone for a 12-yard touchdown run, stealing those precious 7.2 fantasy points. Williams, to his credit, still racked up 110 rushing yards, but failed to get into the end zone because Odell Beckham eats touchdowns for breakfast. But hey, at least that potential Williams touchdown was vultured by a guy with an awesome name, right?

So who do you think should take home the Week 16 #ThatHelpsNoOne crown? Weigh in on Twitter with #ThatHelpsNoOne and be sure to tune in to NFL Fantasy LIVE (weekdays at 5 p.m. ET on NFL Network) to see who is crowned the Week 16 winner!

-- Follow Alex on Twitter @AlexGelhar.

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