Super Bowl week is here. As a primer, here's a glossary of terms to get you up to speed before the New England Patriots and Los Angeles Rams meet in Super Bowl LIII on Sunday. Approximately 90 percent of the content herein can be fairly described as "accurate." The rest is a mixture of hearsay and outright falsehoods.
Anderson, C.J.: Street free agent who signed with the Rams and proceeded to turn Los Angeles' backfield -- almost impossibly -- into a tag-team affair. Todd Gurley is on fire about this in a text chain with his high school friends. Anderson attributes his recent change in body shape to "that man pregnancy weight." (His wife is expecting.)
#BetAgainstUs: Regrettable attempt by Patriots players, fans and social media to paint the era's most dominant team as a scrappy underdog. This absurd bombast was ramped up ahead of the Patriots' eighth consecutive appearance in the AFC Championship Game, an irony seemingly lost on all parties involved.
Big Boi: The other guy from Outkast and guest performer during the halftime show. No, not the "Shake it like a polaroid picture" guy, the "I like the way you move" guy. Would be amazing if André 3000 showed up and they did a 12-minute extended version of "Bombs over Baghdad."
Belichick, Bill: Football's unstoppable grumpy genius. Has likely seen Bon Jovi in concert in excess of 12 times. The mere thought of losing consecutive Super Bowls could send him floating into the abyss aboard VII Rings.
Chick-fil-A: Popular fast-food chain that, citing company tradition, will keep its location inside Mercedes-Benz Stadium closed on Super Bowl Sunday. Side note: If I could undergo a radical surgery to replace my blood with Chick-fil-A Sauce, I'd roll the dice to see if it gives me superpowers. (Spoiler alert: I'd die.)
Cooks, Brandin:Rams wide receiver who averaged 1,150 yards and seven touchdowns over the past four seasons and somehow managed to play for three teams in that span. Last year was spent with the Patriots, who, if we're being honest, should have never traded him in the first place. Can you say REVENGE GAME?
Donald, Aaron: The NFL's most dominant defensive player, a deserving MVP contender, and the Rams' best chance at sending the Patriots home with their fourth Super Bowl loss of the Belichick era. Donald vs. the Patriots' wall of protection is the matchup to watch in this game. Oh, you didn't expect actual football analysis here? Shame on you!
Feely, Jay: Former NFL placekicker currently employed by CBS in the role of sideline kicking analyst. From a heavy lifting standpoint, this continues to be the coveted position in professional broadcasting.
Ford, Dee: His fateful mistake, lining up offsides on a crucial third down in the AFC Championship Game, wiped out a Rob Gronkowski drop and Tom Brady interception that would have clinched the Chiefs' first trip to the Super Bowl in almost 50 years. That'll stick with ya. Some poor British lady with the same name has been getting crushed on Twitter. Life is just terrible sometimes.
Gronkowski, Rob: Lovable lug and future Hall of Famer who might be playing in his final game on Sunday. Likely future Slim Jim spokesman. Emerged from the wilderness to become a key target for Brady against the Chiefs, though Gronk loyalists are quick to remind you that his BLOCKING HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER.
Gurley, Todd: One of the top 10 players in the NFL, though he also struggled in the NFC Championship Game and is now locked in a bizarre backfield timeshare with a street free agent carrying "that man pregnancy weight." Likely still dealing with a knee injury that we won't learn more about until the Monday after Super Bowl.
Johnson, John:Rams safety who became the first target of "Super Bowl bulletin board material" when he said it will be an honor to play against Tom Brady but added that the quarterback is "definitely beatable." Which, I mean, is just a fact. Tom Brady has lost 70 games as a starting quarterback in the regular season and playoffs since 2001. He is definitely beatable.
Knight, Gladys: Atlanta native and "Empress of Soul" (epic nickname!) who will perform the "Star Spangled Banner" prior to kickoff. "Midnight Train To Georgia" is an eternal jam.
Kraft, Robert: Mega-successful Patriots owner who is coming for Jerry Jones' corner in the category of most owner-suite cutaways during game telecasts.
Levine, Adam: Maroon 5 lead singer and contest judge who will do 99.4 percent of the talking during Thursday's Halftime Show press conference. That number could move downward if his bandmates are permitted to join him on stage.
Lombardi Trophy: Still the best championship trophy of any of the four major North American sports. Get outta here with your germ-infested Stanley Cup. Just because you can drink out of it doesn't make it better. Being more versatile does not constitute a better trophy.
McVay, Sean: Boy Genius and shimmering archetype by which all other head coaches are measured. You get the feeling Belichick wants to go full Ed Norton in "Fight Club." I felt like destroying something beautiful. Good news: Like you, McVay had a questionable haircut in college:
Michel, Sony: The latest in an army of deeply productive Patriots running backs who would dissolve like "Avengers" superheroes if they played anywhere but New England.
Nantz, Jim: America's Well-Meaning Dad and CBS' top play-by-play voice, Nantz's booth role for NFL games is to drop dimes like John Stockton for superstar partner Tony Romo. Friend of Tom Brady who, during the Patriots-Steelers telecast in December, slipped and called the quarterback "Mr. Cool." That's not a thing.
Opening Night: Carnival of flesh where human worth is decided by whether or not you are granted a riser podium. Being packed like sardines around these lecterns reminds you that a) Cameramen have a God complex, and b) not enough people use the right kind of deodorant.
Snead, Les:Rams GM who survived five straight losing seasons, a move to Los Angeles and Jeff Fisher. A fine example of the merits of ORGANIZATIONAL FORBEARANCE. If he pursued acting, Snead would be cast as a ruggedly handsome pro football executive.
The World's Best: New CBS competition reality series that will premiere immediately following Super Bowl telecast. The latest in an ongoing Hollywood initiative to give every celebrity their own show to judge. You're up, Drew Barrymore.
White, James: Anything fewer than 25 catches on Sunday will be considered a bitter disappointment.
Whitworth, Andrew: Gigantic left tackle who escaped from Cincinnati and now gets to play in his first Super Bowl at age 37. I literally just had a vision of a beaming Whitworth walking across a confetti-strewn field with two of his children in his arms. Wonder if that means anything.