Welcome to Super Bowl 50! What a fantastic matchup we have for you this coming week as we have two of the bitterest rivals in NFL history squaring off for football's ultimate prize. Honestly. The cool thing is that not only will Super Bowl 50 feature the two teams with the most Super Bowl titles between them, but it's also a classic rematch of Super Bowl IV!
If you read that opening paragraph and didn't question it at all, well, then I'm glad I'm here. Because none of that was accurate. The Panthers weren't even a team when Super Bowl IV happened. The Panthers' first season was 1995, the season of Super Bowl XXX.
So I'm going to take some time here to answer your questions from the casual fan. Like my mother in-law, Paddy McGillicuddy. She's a sports fan, but she's as a principal of a school. So she's got other important things in the world going on. And she's done this feature with me previously. And since I'm clearly mailing it in right now, let's get going.
Paddy McGillicuddy: Are you surprised by this matchup?
AR: Not so fast. First of all, Brady is a drop-back passer. So they can't get after Cam the way they got after Brady. Plus, Peyton Manning.
PM: What does that mean? I thought Peyton is back!
AR: Nope. If he tries to throw some of those balloon balls he threw against the Patriots, this one could get pretty ugly.
PM: Hey, what was that scandal Manning was involved in?
AR: It's not in my nature to be mysterious. But I can't talk about it. And I can't talk about why.
AR: You're asking the same questions as your husband. I'm going to get called out for plagiarizing like Rick Reilly. Well, if anybody cared enough. Which I don't think that they do. So, yes, he beat the Bears. And it was a terrible, terrible thing.
AR: I sure am.
AR: Actually, he's lost by double-digits both times he's lost in the big game. I could see the Broncos defense keeping this game close. It could be a close game through three quarters, but Peyton makes a crucial mistake that ends up making this a big-time blowout in the fourth quarter.
PM: Did these two teams play this year?
AR: They did not.
AR: Greg Olsen is the top pass catcher. He's a tight end. The defense is great. Josh Norman is the best cornerback in the game right now. Luke Kuechly is also very good.
PM: That's it. He didn't look great at all.
AR: Wait, Odell or Josh?
PM: Odell! I thought Josh handled himself pretty well. He was wise not to retaliate.
AR: Very true.
PM: You said Cam's top pass catcher was a tight end. Does he not have very good receivers?
AR: Not really. Ted Ginn, Jr. and Jerricho Cotchery are two journeyman type of guys who have come through this year after Kelvin Benjamin went down.
PM: That's amazing. But how did he get this far without a top wide receiver? All I heard about from the announcers this year was how Aaron Rodgers struggled because he didn't have Jordy Nelson.
AR: Announcers like to make excuses for Rodgers. Cam just goes out there and gets it done.
PM: Is Cam going to be MVP of the season?
PM: Are you serious?
AR: I'm joking. Barely. It seems like the kind of thing they would do. Like give him a lifetime achievement award or something.
AR: He is.
PM: Have you ever met him?
AR: We used to have a running gag about his speed rating not being up to point. Always gracious with me. Plus, he makes sure he always gives the football to fan in the stands after he scores a touchdown.
PM: Oh, I've seen that. I like that a lot.
AR: It's pretty cool.
PM: I remember the Broncos won a few Super Bowls with John Elway. Have the Panthers ever been to the Super Bowl?
AR: That's right.
PM: Hadn't the Seahawks lost their lone Super Bowl appearance before they beat the Broncos two years ago?
AR: That's right.
PM: History repeating itself?
AR: I'm the one who is supposed to come up with the great points.
AR: No, it's a good point. The Seahawks and Panthers have followed similar paths to the Super Bowl. Good, young and mobile quarterbacks. Strong running game. No receivers. And a stifling defense.
AR: But that's probably because you don't like Pete Carroll, seeing that you are an Irish fan.
PM: That's true. So are you going to the game?
AR: I am.
PM: I know Rosie (my wife, her daughter) is going with you. Will baby Ahsoka be going with you?
PM: You're kidding me.
AR: I wish I was.
PM: Should I stop asking about this?
AR: Sunday, Feb. 7.
PM: No, I mean, what time?
PM: The game is in San Francisco, right?
AR: Well, the Super Bowl week festivities will be in San Francisco. But the game will be at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara.
PM: Why so far?
AR: They have to play the game where the stadium is at.
PM: Why didn't they put the stadium in San Francisco?
AR: Do you want to Zillow prices in San Francisco?
PM: Yeah, you're right.
AR: San Francisco as a city is pretty small.
PM: What channel?
AR: You're just asking if Joe Buck is going to be doing it, right?
PM: Pretty much.
AR: You're Joe Buck ... FREE!
PM: Great news!
AR: But you're going to get Phil Simms.
PM: Oh, boy.
PM: Why don't they have Dan Fouts do the game? Or why can't they have permanent announcers like Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth?
AR: That would make too much sense.
PM: So let me see if I have all the information I need.
PM: The game is Sunday, Feb. 7.
PM: Not on Fox.
AR: Actually, no. The Broncos are the home team and chose to go with the white uniforms because they have lost every Super Bowl in orange.
PM: Is that right?
AR: It is.
PM: I hope they lose now because of it.
PM: It's just so silly.
AR: Anything else?
AR: That's my pick.
PM: Be safe, and enjoy the game.
AR: That's only possible if you do the same.
Adam Rank is Chicago born, California raised. He supports the arts and will never understand why The Hold Steady is never truly embraced. Follow him on Twitter @adamrank.