This week in Higher/Lower/Over/Under our topics cover old Panthers running backs, cell phone shenanigans, Shanahanigans, SAMCRO, internet death rumors, disappointing superstars and the Man With The Yellow Hat's best friend.
0: Number of yards for DeAngelo Williams in Week 2. Over, but it's close. I can fearlessly predict he will be in positive integers against the Saints. How sure am I? Like 80%. I will sit him so seriously this week I'll tape him to a chair with extra strong duct tape and super glue. Whether or not Jonathan Stewart comes back, Carolina has a deeper issue: their offensive line is terrible. The -1 total for last week wasn't Williams' fault as much as it was he had nowhere to go. This doesn't inspire confidence for ANY Panthers RB at least for Week 2, even though it's a Saints defense that allowed a rookie QB to put up 40 in their house last Sunday. There has to be a better option on your team than any of them, DeShaun Foster and Stephen Davis included.
2: Number of actresses who will accidentally tweet out topless photos of themselves this week. Under. I think 'The Newsroom's' Allison Pill has forewarned everyone else to double check before pressing the 'send' button on their phones. The funny thing is, I'm wondering how 'The Newsroom' is going to use this real-life event sometime next season.
5: How many times I'll be asked what position is the best one to play Dexter McCluster at. Over. Hey, I'm on record that he could be the Victor Cruz of 2012. A slot player who breaks out because the opposing defense has to commit too many resources to a bigger, dominant number one WR. On nfl.com he's a WR, and in most leagues that's where he is as well. You won't get to change his position, but it doesn't matter. He's a really interesting flex play and if he's available scoop him up as fast as you can. If he has another good game against the Bills he's going into your starting lineup.
6: Number of leaders of the One-Niners we'll see this season in 'Sons of Anarchy'. Over. Come on, we've only had the season premiere and already they're on their third leader! They're the Redskins running backs of television biker dramas. Speaking of the burgundy and gold.
7: How many times I'll have to convince myself to start Alfred Morris before actually putting him in my starting lineup this week. Under. This week, it's pretty simple. Morris was tied with Doug Martin for the most touches by a running back during Week 1. He's got a tremendous matchup against the Rams, so you start him with confidence. Until Shanahan pulls him in the second drive and plays Earnest Byner the rest of the way. Kidding! I'm kidding. I think.
10: The number of times Morgan Freeman will be killed on the internet before Sunday. Under. But it's close. Seriously, how many times do we have to fall victim to this? I can see him getting online and saying "Whoop. I'm dead again. Does this mean I can do anything I want? Have infinite power to move across the world undetected?" And then he'll pitch that idea to a movie studio and be the star in it. It'll be called "R.I.P. Morgan Freeman", starring Morgan Freeman, narrated by Tim Robbins. At least the Alfonso Ribeiro rumor was a new one.
40: The number of fantasy articles I'll read that will have the phrases 'Michael Turner' and 'disappointment' in them. Over. WAY over. Why? First of all, he looks heavy. Secondly, he just doesn't fit in the Falcons offense anymore. They're a track meet and unfortunately he's the anchor - holding them down to the ocean floor. He was on my 'undraftable' list in the pre-season and right now he's on my 'unstartable' list (I made both of those words up and I'm patenting both of them so I can make some cash).
55: The number of tweets I'll get mentioning the words 'Welker' and 'bench'. Over. I know Tom Brady stood up this week and said a) my nose is fine and b) Wes is a huge part of our offense. But make no mistake. Welker played in just 65% of the teams snaps Week 1, while Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez saw tremendous amounts of playing time together and Stephan Ridley ran the ball 25 times. Even OC Josh McDaniels says this is an 'ever-evolving offense.' Danger Will Robinson, danger. If this happens again, you'll know its New England phasing Welker and his one-year franchise contract out of the 'O, in which case you're stuck. You won't be able to trade him, and even if you could you wouldn't get anything for him. So just hope and pray last week was a one-time thing. Because if it's not? Brady's face will look better than your fantasy team. And Frank Welker will have more value in your lineup. Because at least he's Curious. Curious George!
500: The number of times I'll be asked if you should start Robert Griffin III in Week 2. Over. He was terrific even AFTER Pierre Garcon left Sunday's game. And this week he gets the Rams. Unless you're starting one of the elite QB's (Rodgers, Brady, Brees, Stafford and possibly Matt Ryan, Peyton Manning or Tony Romo), RGIII is your pick. So much for him struggling out of the gate! And who said such nonsense anyway? (Okay, I did, but he's shown us he's ahead of the curve.)