A number of high-profile quarterbacks figure to be changing teams in an NFL free-agency period that should move about as briskly as your typical fantasy football draft -- just with slightly higher stakes. So allow me to grab the Gene Rayburn stick-mic (as we recently did on the Dave Dameshek Football Program) and play an NFL-version of "Match Game."
Who should start: Billy Volek
Most likely to start:Kevin Kolb
Never going to happen: Kurt Warner.
In a perfect world: Kolb is more Steve Young, less Gary Hogeboom, igniting Larry Fitzgerald to sign a long-term contract.
But this is the Cardinals so ... The Cardinals overpay (like Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a second-round pick) for Kolb, who gets hurt in Week 2, ushering in the Max Hall 2.0 reboot, effectively pushing Fitzgerald out the door.
Who should start:Jimmy Clausen
Most likely to start:Cam Newton
You're in trouble when: Your team is linked to Brett Favre.
In a perfect world: Newton becomes an entertainer and an icon while leading the Panthers to the playoffs.
But this is the Panthers so … Newton mopes about taking a pay cut from Auburn, and the label of entertainer and icon takes on an ironic meaning like wearing a Member's Only jacket.
Who should start:Carson Palmer
Most likely to start:Andy Dalton
You're in trouble if you start: Jordan Palmer
In a perfect world: The Bengals get a second-round pick for Palmer and Dalton challenges for Offensive Rookie of the Year.
But this is the Bengals so … Palmer retires with nothing in return, Dalton struggles and Chad Ochocinco calls the rookie a "ginger" on Twitter, while challenging him to a fight (which Dalton wins).
Who should start:Kyle Orton
Most likely to start:Chad Henne
Not walking through that door: Dan Marino, though you would take Jay Fiedler at this point.
In a perfect world:Dolphins sign Logan Mankins, which provides stability for Henne.
But this is the Dolphins so … The divorce between J-Lo and Marc Anthony -- a minority owner in the team -- casts a shadow that engulfs the team like the McCourt divorce is destroying the Dodgers.
Who should start:Christian Ponder
Most likely to start: Donovan McNabb
Trying not to remember: Brett Favre
In a perfect world: McNabb takes his job seriously, flourishes with Adrian Peterson at running back, and gets the Vikings to the Super Bowl.
But this is the Vikings so … McNabb mails it in, the roof caves again and rumors of a move to Los Angeles start to heat up.
Who should start:Matt Hasselbeck
Most likely to start: One of the starters from 2006 Rose Bowl
Reminds me of Ken Stabler in beard only:Charlie Whitehurst.
In a perfect world: Matt Leinart is reunited with his college coach and leads the Seahawks to a second-consecutive NFC West title.
But this is the Seahawks so … Seattle signs both Leinart and Reggie Bush, which brings scrutiny and NCAA investigators.
Who should start: A veteran quarterback
Most likely to start:Jake Locker
Was he really that bad: Vince Young.
In a perfect world: Locker shows the flashes that would have made him a top-five pick in the 2010 draft.
But this is the Titans so … Locker struggles, Chris Johnson gets smothered behind eight-man fronts, and Kenny Britt gets arrested again -- but just to avoid this mess.
Who should start: Anybody but John Beck
Most likely to start: Beck
Was he really that bad:Jason Campbell (going way back)
In a perfect world: Beck develops into a serviceable quarterback with Roy Helu as another running back gem found by coach Mike Shanahan.
But this is the Redskins so … Beck is a bust, prompting owner Daniel Snyder to shell out big for … (wait for it) JaMarcus Russell. Thankfully, Russell gets paid in Johnny Rocket's gift bucks.