There's good news and bad news for America's Team. We'll start with the positive: another incredible comeback allowed us to not only nick our Week 4 clash with Marcas Grant, but the good guys are now sitting pretty with a 3-1 record and first place in our division.
Hail to the Chief, indeed.
Now, onto the bad news, which isn't even really all that terrible. I'm embarrassed to admit I'm not even aware of what kind of restrictions Team America has with the current government shutdown, but rest assured, I'll figure out a way to work through them. Whenever the government decides to get back up and running ... I, as your fantasy representative, have big-time grandiose plans to make our season even better. And I'd like to run them by you before I put them up for a vote on the fantasy Senate floor.
First, in an effort to meet rising costs, I'd like to impose a 12.5 percent income tax as well as a 10 percent value-added tax on the rest of our league. Fabiano, Dameshek, Jason, Marcas, Molly, Rank, etc. ... this serves as your official notice that tax-return forms can be downloaded online at www.nfl.com/fantasy and must be filed no later than midnight, Oct. 15. I'm afraid no extension requests will be approved. What does this ultimately mean? In theory, 22.5 percent of the fantasy production of the rest of the league will start counting toward Team America's weekly production! And don't think for a second that our forefathers didn't have fantasy football in mind when they conceived of this system of checks and balances.
But in an effort to show we, as a team, can empathize with the needy, I'm open to ideas on how to deliver some foreign aid to Elliot Harrison's 0-4 team. I listen to my constituents, so feel free to offer your best ideas for how we can help those less fortunate than us.
Also, I still need your help making roster decisions. Should we finally dump Stevan Ridley for ... well, anything we can get in return? Do we stick with Martellus Bennett, or roll the dice with Rob Gronkowski?
Now, on to dissect those players who should have motivation flowing through their veins all week long.