Dear Football Gods,
We need to talk.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, or openly combative, or unnecessarily dramatic, but I gotta know: Who do you think you are? Oh right, you're gods. Congratulations. You exist on a higher plane of existence than the rest of us. Must be a tremendous feeling.
I've been meaning to write you for some time, but the events of Christmas Eve finally compelled me to action. It's not cool that you broke Derek Carr's leg. What the hell was that? It didn't make sense from a logic standpoint. That dude loves God. But instead of Carr and his upstart Raiders vanquishing the Patriots in the Tuck Rule Revenge Game we've waited 15 years for, you have the man down on the turf pointing to his formerly functional appendage and barking "It's broke!" six times. Was that one for each of your gods? How fun that must have been for you.
Head's up: You're all terrible.
You thought we forgot about The Tuck Rule Game, didn't you? You know, the night of Jan. 19, 2002, when you stole a playoff game from the Raiders and kickstarted a dynasty in New England? At the time, a lot of people were OK with that outcome. The kids out there won't believe it, but the Patriots were once likable underdogs. How could we have known what would come next?
Of course, you knew, and at some point, Bill Belichick took ownership of you guys like a red challenge flag stuffed into his sweaty tube sock. You do the man's bidding. Tom Brady is still the best quarterback in the league at age 39? Riiiiight. The Seahawksactually chose to pass the ball on the goal line? Surrrrrre. You guys don't even try to hide it anymore! Shameless, all of you.
Don't misconstrue the message: My issue isn't solely about the Patriots. I could go on forever, really. For example, why haven't the Bills gone to the playoffs in 17 years? You know how long that is for us mortals? When the Bills played their last postseason game, "Smooth" by Santana featuring Rob Thomas was the No. 1 song in America. And let's not even get into the fact that said game ended in the G-D MUSIC CITY MIRACLE.
Bills fans actually have gone crazy, by the way. They all get insanely hammered at their tailgates and jump through tables until someone suffers a compound fracture. That's what they do to feel now. You are directly responsible for this.
I can keep going. Chargers fans in San Diego have been teased for 50 years, and now you're going send their team to your little playground in Los Angeles? Not cool. Browns fans were hugging each other in the streets last weekend because their team improved to 1-14? Class act. You've allowed Texans fans to talk themselves into something called Tom Savage? Bravo. You've given Tony Romoa front-row seat to his own funeral? What did that dude do to you? You let the Lions start 9-4 just so they could lose out and miss the playoffs? That just seems petty. Oh, the Titans are compelling for the first time in a decade? Let's snap another fibula!
So go ahead, continue to spin your little black magic ... but you're on notice. I see you. We see you. Change your ways. Become benevolent gods, or face the consequences when the Earthlings rise up.