Once upon a time, on a website far, far away, we used to take a weekly, top-to-bottom trip around the National Football League known as "32 Questions."
Thanks to some grumpy men in purple, that ended abruptly last September, leaving far more than 32 of you with indignant queries of your own. Now, at long last, there is clarity: 32Q has returned in all its red, white and blue splendor, just in time for an NFL season that will be unquestionably charged and compelling.
For those of you who've never experienced the magic that is 32Q, here's a quick primer: We at 32 Questions Headquarters ("32QHQ," for the cool kids) will never say the "R-word," as this is no BCS-tainted football landscape -- and besides, NFL.com has that whole thing handled quite capably in another format.
That said, the sequential listing of these inquisitive musings represents our (translation: my) take on the current NFL pecking order, meaning that 31 fan bases will regularly accuse me of a) hating the team they love; b) writing this column while under the influence; and c) having "no credibility," which many would define as "an innate and unceasing affirmation of my irrational beliefs."
This, of course, is all good: Passion is what drives this sport, and whether you're a fan of the team I'm picking to win it all or the one I fear might not win at all, 32Q will have something for you each Monday through the end of the season.
A week from now -- by which time, you know, real games actually will have been played -- we'll all have much stronger opinions about the assemblage of this food chain. Until then, I'm conflicted about what to do with teams like the defending NFC East champion Washington Redskins, what with the uncertainty surrounding star quarterback Robert Griffin III's surgically repaired knee and the conflicting sentiments attributed to said quarterback, head coach Mike Shanahan and physician/aspiring offensive coordinator James Andrews.
Meanwhile, up the parkway, the Baltimore Ravens are being dissed and dismissed by virtually everyone. Typically, as a sign of respect, I give the defending champs the top spot heading into the season. This time, despite my deep regard for the organization, I'm going off the reservation and projecting that Life After Ray won't be quite as charmed.
After all, nothing is typical here at 32QHQ. We're thrilled to be back, and we won't stop inquiring until someone cuts the mic and drags us off the stage.
Throw your hands up:
31) Jacksonville Jaguars: Speaking of which ... has Jags senior vice president of technology and analytics Tony Khan broken down the precise dip in life expectancy caused by ingesting a combine's worth of mint cookies 'n cream shakes -- and even if he has, is there any chance that will stop me from consuming said shakes come February?