Webster Slaughter. Bacarri Rambo. Bryan Anger. These are names built for a brutally competitive sport. It would be weird if these guys were in any other profession. Mr. Slaughter isn't cutting it as a door-to-door salesman. (Though he'd be a pretty baller exterminator.) So many amazing names span the decades of football. QB Chuck Long and WR Mac Speedie check the literal category. Dick Butkus, Buzz Nutter and Guy Whimper are excellent for bad jokes and punny headlines. And my personal favorites: Coy Bacon and Jake Stoneburner. Those guys should veg hang out.
I've sifted through this year's draft prospects and identified the blue-chip names below. Some will have illustrious NFL careers. But even those who don't will forever have a spot on the Class of 2016 All-Name Team.
QB: Blake Frohnapfel, UMass
Our quarterback, Blake Frohnapfel -- pronounced FRO-napple -- spent two years at UMass after leaving Marshall. He's a large human (at least for a quarterback) at 6-foot-6, but he has some issues with turnovers and, as our own Lance Zierlein put it, "stares down targets with white-hot intensity." His last name means "happy apple" in German. I wasn't aware Germans had a word for happy. Good for them.
RB: Storm Barrs-Woods, Oregon State
Storm leaves Oregon State ranked fifth in career rushing yards (2,674) at the school. He scored just one touchdown his senior year while dealing with a knee injury, but appears healthy now. Barrs-Woods has good vision and burst with the ability to fake out defenders, but he's lacking the power of a perfect storm.
FB: Quayvon Hicks, Georgia
At 260 pounds -- 259, if you want to get technical -- this former high school defensive tackle is a lovely fit for our fullback position. Hicks is often compared to Jalston Fowler -- the fullback the Titans drafted in the fourth round last year. (That sh-t Quay.) While fullback isn't the sexiest position in today's NFL, Hicks' power and blocking skills -- combined with his ability to catch the ball out of the backfield -- is leaving scouts impressed. On Day 3, I expect one lucky team to be diagnosed with Quayvon Hicks.
WR: Geronimo Allison, Illinois
Geronimo leaped to the front of the Illini receiving corps to lead them in yards last season -- his second of two years spent at the university after initially attending junior college. We think Geronimo is ready to make another jump up in competition level.
WR: De'Runnya Wilson, Mississippi State
De'Runnya played basketball in high school. He was even named "Mr. Basketball" by the Alabama Sports Writers Association. He didn't add football to the equation until his senior year in high school. But what he lacks in experience, he makes up for in size -- turning inaccurate passes into catches. The issue: De'Runnya isn't very fast for the position.
TE: Darion Griswold, Arkansas State
Griswold switched from quarterback to tight end after arriving at Arkansas State. He enjoyed his best season as a sophomore, earning second-team All-Sun Belt honors, but a change in coaching staff soon led to a drop in production in the seasons that followed. Griswold was born two days before Christmas and three years after the release of one of the greatest movies ever made: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. If you don't know Clark W. Griswold, this selection is not for you.
OT: Halapoulivaati Vaitai, TCU
Remember that Will Smith song, "Miami"? Of course you do. The chorus went, "Welcome to Miami. Bienvenidos a Miami." Whenever I say this tackle's name, I rhyme to the beat of "Bienvenidos a Miami." Hah-lah-poo-li-VAH-tee VIE-tie. Fun fact: In high school, Vaitai and his two brothers formed the left side of his team's offensive line -- sadly, Will and Kevin have no real shot at making the All-Name Team.
OG: Nila Kasitati, Oklahoma
Kasitati ((NEE-luh kah-sih-TAH-tee) is from a family of 11 kids who grew up in American Samoa. He's four years removed from cardiac surgery and it's possible he goes undrafted, but reading some of the things he's gone through made my small heart grow three sizes. (Like walking home after most football practices. Three hours in full pads.)
Between Halapoulivaati Vaitai and Nila Kasitati, this side of the line includes 18 vowels.
C: Mitch Smothers, Arkansas
The name's Mitch, Mitch Smothers: private investigator. He's the best in the biz. They always say, "When Smothers is on the case, the bad guys aren't safe."
Smothers started during each of his four non-redshirt seasons at Arkansas, on an offensive line that he said was so close because, as kids, they were all picked on for being fat.
Now Det. Smothers is back for revenge.
OG: Darrell Greene, San Diego State
But seriously: Even if he isn't the O.G. Darrell Green, he's still Darrell Greene, OG. Close enough.
OT: Le'Raven Clark, Texas Tech
Clark played his freshman season at right guard before spending the next three years preying on pass rushers at left tackle. With his talent and potential, Le'Raven could fly off the board in the first round.
DE: Dadi Nicolas, Virginia Tech
Do you think Dadi (like "Daddy") knows about Sir Mix-a-Lot? Googles Sir Mix-a-Lot. Realizes he's 52. Re-evaluates life. He's not big, Dadi. At 6-3, 235 pounds, he's more of a tweener who'll likely transition to linebacker in the NFL.
DT: D.J. Reader, Clemson
D.J. Reader could be a fictional character from a grade-school workbook: He's a cool, edgy cartoon "friend" who teaches conjugation while wearing mirrored wayfarers and ripped jeans. D.J. Reader the Clemson defensive tackle played nine games this past season after taking time off for personal issues. He flashed potential at the Senior Bowl because of his strength. We'll see if that translates to the next chapter of his playing career. class-change bell
DT: A'Shawn Robinson, Alabama
Part of me really wants him to drive the "A-Team" van. I saw one in my neighborhood the other day and envy washed over me. A'Shawn has looked like a boss since birth. Even Mr. T pities the fool who has to block him.
DE: DeForest Buckner, Oregon
The 2015 Pac-12 Defensive Player of the Year is a first-round talent. He's disruptive and powerful with the versatility to fit a 3-4 or 4-3 system, and he's quick for his size -- just not as fast as most pure pass rushers. Run, DeForest! Run!
LB: Scooby Wright III, Arizona
Philip Anthony Wright III got the nickname "Little Scooby Doo" from his dad. I got the nickname "Little Wolfe" from my dad. Our dads should start a little nickname club.
In 2014, Scooby marked his award territory, taking the Bronko Nagurski Trophy, Rotary Lombardi Award and Chuck Bednarik Award. 2015 didn't go as well; he was hampered by injuries, which might hurt his draft stock.
LB: Cassanova McKinzy, Auburn
Cassanova McKinzy is a name with a lot of pressure. A three-year starter at Auburn, McKinzy played his heart out, becoming the Tigers' best pass rusher. But Cassanova is dealing with multiple injuries ahead of the draft and hasn't had a chance to really make scouts amorous over his workouts.
LB: Beniquez Brown, Mississippi State
After football, Beniquez (Ben-KNEE-quez) Brown should consider the music industry. He could go in a few different directions ...
» Beniquez Brown: neo-soul singer, song-writer, musician.
» DJ Beni B: international EDM DJ, record producer.
» Quez Brown: hip-hop percussionist, music journalist, occasional actor.
» Beni B and the Bulldogs: doo-wop group with strong ties to Mississippi State (OR the newest addition to Cash Money Records).
CB: Briean Boddy-Calhoun, Minnesota
Brien Boddy-Calhoun (BREE-in BOD-ee) led the Gophers for two straight seasons in both interceptions and passes defended. But hey, if this whole NFL thing doesn't work out, Boddy-Calhoun could potentially take the path of Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Spend some time in the pro-wrestling circuit, then move on to politics in Minnesota.
CB: Cre'von LeBlanc, Florida Atlantic
What's he cooking up? Hopefully an NFL career. Cre'von LeBlanc has the name of a future French chef specializing in nouvelle cuisine. Maybe LeBlanc picks up a Michelin star or a multi-year deal. Either way, he's got a spicy name and a personality that relishes competition.
S: Lamarcus Brutus, Florida State
Don't turn your back on Brutus -- he could be a sleeper. Most of the attention goes to teammate Jalen Ramsey. Brutus didn't play a ton of reps because of depth at the position -- which might affect who takes a stab at Brutus.
S: Keanu Neal, Florida
Keanu means "cool breeze over the mountains" in Hawaiian. The Florida safety had an uphill battle with some hamstring issues at the beginning of last season -- but that didn't keep him off the field like Johnny Utah's knee injury did in Point Break. He might not be a star like Utah, but at least Keanu will always have his majestic name.
K: John Christian Ka'iminoeauloameka'ikeokekumupa'a Fairbairn, UCLA
I hope he's a gifted speller.