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Published: July 3, 2014 at 09:52 p.m.
Updated: July 3, 2014 at 11:54 p.m.

All-All American team

Happy Independence Day Weekend, America.

Now that our nation has returned to reality after its brief dalliance with a sport called futbol, the arrival of July 4th reminds us it's time to get back to what truly matters: a sport called football.

To help get you in the mood, we've made like Betsy Ross and stitched together a roster from the NFL's stars and stripes (or, more accurately, stripe-jerseyed stars). Feel the patriotism…then go eat a wiener, drink a beer, and play sports that require the use of your hands.

23 Photos Total

  • Quarterback: Tom Brady 23

    Aaron M. Sprecher/NFL

    Quarterback: Tom Brady

    America is about shooting for the stars…and there’s simply no better example of aspirations achieved than Brady. Sure, he’s Hollywood-level handsome, but a sixth-round pick who rarely started in college who winds up winning Super Bowls for a team called ‘Patriots’, then marrying a supermodel? Congratulations, Tom…you ARE Captain America.

  • Quarterback: Brian Hoyer 22

    Charles Rex Arbogast/Associated Press

    Quarterback: Brian Hoyer

    Then again, maybe a slightly built bald man who only gets to start after every other option has been expired is the American dream. He’s at least worthy of a spot on our team.

  • Running back: Reggie Bush 21

    Paul Sancya/Associated Press

    Running back: Reggie Bush

    Will he run in 2016 to keep the Bush Presidential Dynasty going? Time will tell. Meantime, Lions fans will settle for him continuing to run like he did in 2013.

  • Fullback: Frank Summers 20

    Timothy T. Ludwig/USA TODAY Sports

    Fullback: Frank Summers

    What’s more American than a frank(further) at a summer barbecue? (That was a rhetorical question. The answer is ‘nothing’…as long as you don’t overdo it like those competitive gluttons on Coney Island.)

  • Wide receiver: Larry ‘F Scott’ Fitzgerald 19

    Michael Perez/Associated Press

    Wide receiver: Larry ‘F Scott’ Fitzgerald

    If sharing the surname of the author of the Great American novel isn’t reason enough, it just makes good football sense to have that pair of hands on the team.

  • Wide receiver: Pierre Garcon 18

    David Goldman/Associated Press

    Wide receiver: Pierre Garcon

    Befitting of the American melting pot, a French-named Floridian who went to college in Vermont and Ohio and now plays in our nation’s capital belongs on this team.

  • Tight end: D.C. Jefferson 17

    Jeremy Brevard/USA TODAY Sports

    Tight end: D.C. Jefferson

    Not 100% positive if ‘DC’ stands for ‘District of Columbia’…but I think it’s safe to assume it does.

  • Offensive lineman: Doug Free 16

    James D. Smith /Associated Press

    Offensive lineman: Doug Free

    Francis Scott Key gives him the ultimate name drop at the end of his patriotic diddy. The least we can do is put him on our team.

  • Offensive lineman:  Winston Justice 15

    Ron Chenoy/USA TODAY Sports

    Offensive lineman: Winston Justice

    First name: cigarette brand; surname: the American legal system (theoretically).

  • Offensive lineman: Lincoln Kennedy 14

    Al Golub/Associated Press

    Offensive lineman: Lincoln Kennedy

    Might need some work to get back in game shape, but two presidential names is good enough for me.

  • Offensive lineman: Gerald Ford 13

    University of Michigan

    Offensive lineman: Gerald Ford

    He was a president who played football. Enough said.

  • Offensive lineman: Tyler Polumbus 12

    Greg Trott/Associated Press

    Offensive lineman: Tyler Polumbus

    His surname is one letter away from matching Christopher Columbus’. (Alright, fine, it’s a reach…But so was hanging a “Mission accomplished” sign.)

  • Defensive lineman: Star Lotulelei 11

    Bob Leverone/Associated Press

    Defensive lineman: Star Lotulelei

    Star Lotulelei – Now if we can just find 49 more, the blue square on our flag will be all set.

  • Defensive lineman: Ryan Pickett 10

    Darron Cummings/Associated Press

    Defensive lineman: Ryan Pickett

    A home with a white picket fence is the American ideal. Pickett’s as wide as a fence in front of a ½ acre house, and when fits the rest of the equation when the Packers are in their road jerseys.

  • Defensive lineman: Vince Wilfork 9

    Aaron M. Sprecher/NFL

    Defensive lineman: Vince Wilfork

    The body double of our plus-sized 27th President William Howard Taft is a must for this team.

  • Defensive lineman: Jackson Jeffcoat 8

    Elaine Thompson/Associated Press

    Defensive lineman: Jackson Jeffcoat

    Don’t know what a Jeff Coat is, but it’s gotta be better than a red coat.

  • Linebackers: John Abraham, 7

    Associated Press

    Linebackers: John Abraham, "Ba-"Rocky McIntosh, Ronald Reagan, Michael "Uncle" Sam

    Our linebacking corps features an all-presidential trio, plus a OLB in our 3-4 named Michael ‘Uncle’ Sam.

  • Defensive back: Richard Sherman 6

    Kevin Terrell/Associated Press

    Defensive back: Richard Sherman

    Like the same-named Union general who burned through the south, football’s Sherman has torched wide receivers with both his play and words over the last few seasons.

  • Defensive back: Brandon Carr 5

    James D. Smith/Associated Press / SMITJ

    Defensive back: Brandon Carr

    Americans love fast cars. Brandon is a fast Carr.

  • Defensive back: Johnny Adams 4

    Associated Press

    Defensive back: Johnny Adams

    The actual name of our second president, just jazzed up with a ‘Y’ at the end to make it less wooden than the teeth of colonial contemporaries.

  • Defensive back: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix 3

    Mike Roemer/Associated Press

    Defensive back: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix

    Instead of giving into the temptation to work blue, I’ll merely point out the Alabama product shares a name with our Arkansas-born 42nd president.

  • Punter: Brad 2

    Brian Garfinkel/Associated Press

    Punter: Brad "West" Wing

    I know, I know, he’s Australian. But unless you know an American kicker named Wing, this is it.

  • Head coach: Rob Ryan 1

    Bill Haber/Associated Press

    Head coach: Rob Ryan

    His white-powdered hairdo serves as an ongoing figurative tip of his three-pointed hat to our founding fathers.

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