Aaron M. Sprecher/NFL
Quarterback: Tom Brady
America is about shooting for the stars…and there’s simply no better example of aspirations achieved than Brady. Sure, he’s Hollywood-level handsome, but a sixth-round pick who rarely started in college who winds up winning Super Bowls for a team called ‘Patriots’, then marrying a supermodel? Congratulations, Tom…you ARE Captain America.
Charles Rex Arbogast/Associated Press
Quarterback: Brian Hoyer
Then again, maybe a slightly built bald man who only gets to start after every other option has been expired is the American dream. He’s at least worthy of a spot on our team.
Paul Sancya/Associated Press
Running back: Reggie Bush
Will he run in 2016 to keep the Bush Presidential Dynasty going? Time will tell. Meantime, Lions fans will settle for him continuing to run like he did in 2013.
Timothy T. Ludwig/USA TODAY Sports
Fullback: Frank Summers
What’s more American than a frank(further) at a summer barbecue? (That was a rhetorical question. The answer is ‘nothing’…as long as you don’t overdo it like those competitive gluttons on Coney Island.)
Michael Perez/Associated Press
Wide receiver: Larry ‘F Scott’ Fitzgerald
If sharing the surname of the author of the Great American novel isn’t reason enough, it just makes good football sense to have that pair of hands on the team.
David Goldman/Associated Press
Wide receiver: Pierre Garcon
Befitting of the American melting pot, a French-named Floridian who went to college in Vermont and Ohio and now plays in our nation’s capital belongs on this team.
Jeremy Brevard/USA TODAY Sports
Tight end: D.C. Jefferson
Not 100% positive if ‘DC’ stands for ‘District of Columbia’…but I think it’s safe to assume it does.
James D. Smith /Associated Press
Offensive lineman: Doug Free
Francis Scott Key gives him the ultimate name drop at the end of his patriotic diddy. The least we can do is put him on our team.
Ron Chenoy/USA TODAY Sports
Offensive lineman: Winston Justice
First name: cigarette brand; surname: the American legal system (theoretically).
Al Golub/Associated Press
Offensive lineman: Lincoln Kennedy
Might need some work to get back in game shape, but two presidential names is good enough for me.
University of Michigan
Offensive lineman: Gerald Ford
He was a president who played football. Enough said.
Greg Trott/Associated Press
Offensive lineman: Tyler Polumbus
His surname is one letter away from matching Christopher Columbus’. (Alright, fine, it’s a reach…But so was hanging a “Mission accomplished” sign.)
Bob Leverone/Associated Press
Defensive lineman: Star Lotulelei
Star Lotulelei – Now if we can just find 49 more, the blue square on our flag will be all set.
Darron Cummings/Associated Press
Defensive lineman: Ryan Pickett
A home with a white picket fence is the American ideal. Pickett’s as wide as a fence in front of a ½ acre house, and when fits the rest of the equation when the Packers are in their road jerseys.
Aaron M. Sprecher/NFL
Defensive lineman: Vince Wilfork
The body double of our plus-sized 27th President William Howard Taft is a must for this team.
Elaine Thompson/Associated Press
Defensive lineman: Jackson Jeffcoat
Don’t know what a Jeff Coat is, but it’s gotta be better than a red coat.
Linebackers: John Abraham, "Ba-"Rocky McIntosh, Ronald Reagan, Michael "Uncle" Sam
Our linebacking corps features an all-presidential trio, plus a OLB in our 3-4 named Michael ‘Uncle’ Sam.
Kevin Terrell/Associated Press
Defensive back: Richard Sherman
Like the same-named Union general who burned through the south, football’s Sherman has torched wide receivers with both his play and words over the last few seasons.
James D. Smith/Associated Press / SMITJ
Defensive back: Brandon Carr
Americans love fast cars. Brandon is a fast Carr.
Defensive back: Johnny Adams
The actual name of our second president, just jazzed up with a ‘Y’ at the end to make it less wooden than the teeth of colonial contemporaries.
Mike Roemer/Associated Press
Defensive back: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
Instead of giving into the temptation to work blue, I’ll merely point out the Alabama product shares a name with our Arkansas-born 42nd president.
Brian Garfinkel/Associated Press
Punter: Brad "West" Wing
I know, I know, he’s Australian. But unless you know an American kicker named Wing, this is it.
Bill Haber/Associated Press
Head coach: Rob Ryan
His white-powdered hairdo serves as an ongoing figurative tip of his three-pointed hat to our founding fathers.