NFL Head Coaches as Cancelled TV Shows
- Fantasy Analyst
- Published: Dec. 27, 2012 at 02:44 p.m.
- Updated: Dec. 31, 2012 at 05:29 p.m.
Black Monday is here. Unfortunately, there will be no shopping involved – except for the NFL teams who will be out doing exactly that for new head coaches. It’s one of the staples of our fall and winter calendar. First, new TV shows we were excited about get cancelled, and then, head coaches we expected to bring our teams victories get the axe. Both the NFL and Hollywood are tough businesses, so let’s take a look at the head coaches who are either already unemployed or could become so, and compare them to this season’s TV failures. You’ll see some striking similarities. Or at least in my mind there are.
Romeo Crennel - Last Resort
A rogue submarine captain refuses orders to fire nuclear missiles at Pakistan and as a result must escape to a small island to figure out what’s next. I wonder, did someone disobey the orders to get Jamaal Charles the football this season? (“I don’t know why he didn’t get more carries!”) Or, did someone specifically design the team (Matt Cassel/Brady Quinn) to fail much like the show set up the crew of the Colorado? I always liked Andre Braugher, maybe he could be the Chiefs next head coach!
Chan Gailey - Made In Jersey
Made In Jersey What wasn’t to like? It sounded like a mob show (it wasn’t) or a Jersey Shore ripoff (it wasn’t). Wait, it was about a lawyer who moved from New Jersey to Manhattan? Oh. The title was so much more interesting. The Bills were a sleeper (they weren’t), with an easy schedule (it wasn’t). Wait, you mean with C.J. Spiller, Fred Jackson, Stevie Johnson, Mario Williams and Leodis McKelvin they couldn’t be more improved? Buffalo always sounded better than they actually were. It isn’t that they’re not talented, they’re just missing that special something and you can only have so many seasons begin with expectations and end in disappointment. At least we know with Made In Jersey, we know what they lacked were viewers.
Andy Reid - Boss
Who would have ever thought a big show with a big personality (Kelsey Grammer), coming off a critically-acclaimed first season, would get yanked so spectacularly? This was supposed to be the year for the Eagles Dream Team and instead it turned so fast Reid was cast as the fall guy quicker than you can say "I remember Kathleen Robertson from 90210 and she was hot!" Just an aside - Boss was on Starz. Like they had to cancel this because they had to make way for a ton of programming that needed air time? Come on. They're actually running John Carter all month.
Ron Rivera - Partners
This one was pretty shocking. It had a decent cast and a terrific time slot and still, it was gone before Thanksgiving. Sort of how it's gone in Carolina this season. A great, young QB, three running backs making 90 million dollars, and Steve Smith. Instead, the season went off the rails after too many losses, Cam Newton's uninspired play, leadership questions and ill-timed touchdown celebrations. If a head coach can't motivate his franchise QB, someone else will get the gig.
Norv Turner - Animal Practice
Once the Chargers started out as poorly as they did, blowing heart-breaking game (Broncos) after game (Ravens), was there any doubt a change would be coming? Sort of like once you saw the pictures of star Justin Kirk with a monkey on his shoulder, did you really think this show was going to make it? Although, at least the monkey was only on Kirk's shoulder, while it's been on Turner's back in San Diego.
Ken Whisenhunt - 666 Park Avenue
It was a scary show. The Cardinals offense has actually been scarier. And I mean American-Horror-Story-100-Bloody-Faces scary. They have the 32nd-best offensive line in football and a worse QB situation than the Jets. This is going to be more difficult for Whisenhunt to survive than a horror-themed series in a 10pm Sunday night time slot. ("Oh my, Eunice! Cover the children's eyes and turn off ABC right away!")
Lovie Smith - Leverage
As in, Lovie had none once the team squandered a 7-1 start to miss the playoffs. It's funny, every time I would see a promo for the show on TNT I would wonder 'Gee, how long is that show going to be on for?' Turns out - five seasons! Bears fans felt the same with Lovie - nine seasons! Yes, they got to the Super Bowl, but only made the playoffs three times in that span. Every move to improve their offense has failed, and they disappointed despite having a great defense for the majority of the past decade. A new GM came in a year ago (see Shurmur, Pat), and sometimes it's as simple as a coach being around too long your message gets stale. Sometimes it's all of those things.
Mike Mularkey - Dirty Jobs
You have a team who has trouble selling tickets, combined with your best player holding out for a bigger contract, and a 2nd year QB who no one was sold on. Was there a dirtier job in the NFL this season than in Jacksonville? The crazy thing is, with Cecil Shorts, Justin Blackmon and (hopefully) a healthy Maurice Jones-Drew in 2013, this job can turn into a good one in a heartbeat. But, it is in Jacksonville, which is to the NFL what the Discovery Channel is to basic cable. Even Mike Rowe would have to think twice about taking this gig.
Pat Shurmur - The Mob Doctor
You talk about someone juggling too much controversy? Jordana Spiro just had to worry about repaying her brother's debt to the mafia. Shurmur had to deal with being in a 'win now' mode with a rookie QB, a roster even the Jets wouldn't trade for straight up, and a new owner/Steelers fan coming in mid-season. And just like in the Mob, when a new guy takes over he wants his own people in place. Now that I think of it, The Mob Doctor sounds like a Webelos marshmallow roast in comparison.