Who would play NFL stars in movies?
- Published: June 22, 2012 at 05:08 p.m.
- Updated: June 22, 2012 at 06:56 p.m.
Rob Zombie is making a movie about the 1974 Philadelphia Flyers. I'm not joking. Expect a lot of heavy metal, a ton of hitting and very few teeth. But this has me thinking -- every NFL team has at least one person in its history who's worthy of the big-screen treatment. So let's help Hollywood out and cast the actors for the starring roles, so these babies can go right into production.
CHICAGO BEARS -- Woody Harrelson as Brian Urlacher.
"OK, it's the Brian Urlacher story. I have interest from Clooney, Pitt, Cruise and Ryan Reynolds. What? No one's going to shave their head for this. Tom wore a bald cap in "Tropic Thunder," can he do that? Forget it. I'll call Woody. I hope his cell phone works in Tibet." WORKING TITLE: BEARS ARE HONGRY
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -- Terry Crews as Patrick Willis.
An action film from the jump, we watch Willis wreak havoc for most of the film before a heartbreaking ending in which a member of his team makes a crucial mistake and ruins their final mission. But Willis vows to return to finish his mission next season. WORKING TITLE: FREDDY P. SOFT AND THE DEFENSE OF FORTUNE
CINCINNATI BENGALS -- Seth Green as Andy Dalton.
Hey, there ain't a lot of redheads to choose from in Hollywood, you know. Green could bulk up, take some of the meanness he showed in "Entourage" and let it manifest itself into being a QB. Bonus casting: 50 Cent as Chad Ochocinco. WORKING TITLE: RED TIGER, HIDDEN TALENT
BUFFALO BILLS -- Idris Elba as Thurman Thomas.
Women would swoon during this film, while men would hope that he would find a way to get his revenge on Brother Mouzone and Omar. And just like in "The Wire" where Elba fell just short of his goal of a new millionaire life, Thomas fell short in his quest to win the Super Bowl. No method acting needed here. Bonus casting: P. Diddy as C.J. Spiller. WORKING TITLE: WELL, GET ON WITH IT
DENVER BRONCOS -- Joaquin Phoenix as Jake Plummer.
Of course, Joaquin would have to go back to that character (if it was a character) he played a few years ago when he quit acting to be a rapper -- much like Plummer, who could have continued his NFL career as a starter in Tampa Bay only to choose a pro racquetball career instead. The shock value of both is about even, so this movie would be one of those off-the-wall indie flicks you hope finds an audience. WORKING TITLE: SNAKING THE DRAIN
CLEVELAND BROWNS -- Ryan Gosling as Tim Couch.
Gosling is one of the five most-talented actors in the world, so he has a lot in comm... OK, maybe not. But he could play the hell out of the pressure on a player to rebuild a brand new team in 1999. And this is where I sneak in Jenny McCarthy as Couch's real-life wife, Playboy playmate Heather Kozar. (I'm looking out for you, JM!) WORKING TITLE: BROWN AND BLUE
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS -- Patrick Wilson as John Lynch.
A hard-hitting safety is the captain of an outrageous group of defensive players on a Bucs team destined for greatness in 2002. Wow, that sounds dry. We'll add in cool explosions, aliens and teenage vampires to really make it sing. WORKING TITLE: TBA
ARIZONA CARDINALS -- Wood Harris as Anquan Boldin.
He wrestles with Larry Fitzgerald to see who can be the top WR on the Cardinals. He loses that battle, then moves on to the Ravens where he's able to control Baltimore's corners -- and by that I mean DBs in practice. Eventually, Boldin is felled by Torrey Smith who becomes the team's top receiver. But eventually he'll be toppled, too. That's the way The Game goes. WORKING TITLE: TRUE DAT
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -- Sam Worthington as Philip Rivers.
Seriously, this is as close to an Omar Epps/Mike Tomlin slam dunk as you can get. Worthington saved a whole planet of people in "Avatar," so he can easily play a quarterback who's the only salvation of the Chargers right now. Bonus casting: Donald Sutherland as A.J. Smith. Oh, the menacing looks he would give! WORKING TITLE: NUTS AND BOLTS
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS -- Mario Lopez as Tony Gonzalez.
My biggest concern would be making the 5' 11," 185-pound Lopez look like the 6' 5," 250-pound Gonzalez. Maybe I'd just make sure the other actors were smaller. And Screech would be Elvis Grbac. WORKING TITLE: SAVED BY THE FALCONS
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -- Danny McBride as Dallas Clark.
Sure, anyone can make a movie about Peyton Manning or Andrew Luck, but this is a challenge! It would be a comedy (what else are you going to do with McBride?) and I would tell him to just act like Kenny Powers, pretending he's the real star on a team where there are, like, 10 guys better than him. WORKING TITLE: YOU'RE BLEEPING OUT!
DALLAS COWBOYS - Charles S. Dutton as Leon Lett.
The former star/infamous gaffe maker is now a janitor at Cowboys Stadium, and he has a moving speech in which he convinces Tony Romo to stick it out in football when he wants to quit. The movie ends with Romo being carried off the field after a big win - which, of course, is during the regular season. This is based on a true story after all. WORKING TITLE: BEEBE LOVE
MIAMI DOLPHINS -- James Van Der Beek as Ryan Tannehill.
Remember, he's played a hotshot Texas quarterback before, and let's face it, who cares who's playing RT -- the important casting is who's going to be Lauren. Fifteen years ago it would have been Jenny McCarthy. But in 2012, it'd be Blake Lively. Ninety-eight percent of the movie will take place with everyone in swimsuits by the pool. WORKING TITLE: THE LIFE OF LAUREN...AND RYAN
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -- Mehcad Brooks as Terrell Owens.
Hey, USA, I think you owe someone royalties. Not only does the "Necessary Roughness" star look like T.O., he plays a diva wide receiver who goes by T.K. in the show. "OK, to avoid legal problems, we can't call him T.O. How about T.D.? T.T.? No, I got it -- T.K.!" Seriously, this is all cash that should be flowing into Owens' pocket, which you know he needs. WORKING TITLE: I LOVE ME SOME ME
ATLANTA FALCONS -- Fab Morvan as Julio Jones.
My only fear is that all of Morvan's lines would have to be lip-synched, which is a pain in post production. So to help that, I'm going to make it a musical, sort of like "Purple Rain," where the movie is really a vehicle to hear all the big songs. Bonus casting: Morris Day as Roddy White. WORKING TITLE: JULIO, WHERE'S MY MIRROR?
NEW YORK GIANTS -- Michael Gross as Jeff Hostetler.
The story of a man trying to live off his heyday of the early 1990s, which no one seems to remember. (Was "Family Ties" still on the air then? Eh, close enough.) Bonus casting: Paul Sorvino as Bill Parcells. WORKING TITLE: I BET WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A MILLION YEARS
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -- Mark Wahlberg as Mark Brunell.
They're both lefties, and I know what kind of performance I'm going to get out of Wahlberg (he'll be the same guy he plays in every movie), so I can write the script accordingly. The only trick is that I'll have to film a lot of it in Boston and pretend it's Jacksonville. WORKING TITLE: ON YOUR MARKY MARK
NEW YORK JETS -- Tim Tebow starring as Tim Tebow.
Only Tebow plays Tebow, you got it? Bonus casting: Mark Consuelos as Mark Sanchez. WORKING TITLE: FAITH, FOOTBALL AND FOOTWORK
DETROIT LIONS -- Matthew McConaughey as Matthew Stafford.
I assume most of it will be shot without McConaughey wearing a helmet (or a shirt). Stafford will most definitely be happy with a buffer look. Sort of like when Daniel Craig played the lead in "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" compared with the lead in the Swedish version of the film. WORKING TITLE: MY LITTLE CHINA DOLL
GREEN BAY PACKERS -- Alfonso Ribiero as Antonio Freeman.
The rare film that focuses on a character and not a larger-than-life player (sort of how you never see the president on "Veep"). We'll follow Freeman on his journey from Brett Favre's favorite target all the way to his later life working at The Peacock Stop at UCLA. Bonus casting: Charlie Hunnam as Clay Matthews. WORKING TITLE: PACKING FOR BEL AIR
CAROLINA PANTHERS -- Tristan Wilds as Cam Newton.
Ding, ding, ding! Another guy from "The Wire!" Wilds is charismatic and a leader. Staring down Marlo ain't the easiest thing in the world to do. He's a flashy dresser and can showcase the entertainer side that Newton wants to set free. Bonus casting: Eddie George as Cecil Newton Sr. WORKING TITLE: HOW'S MY HAIR LOOK?
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -- Justin Bieber starring as Tom Brady.
Hey, it takes a huge star to play the biggest star in the NFL. We'll set the movie during those tumultuous times of his late teens and early 20s, as he makes the move from Michigan to the NFL, mainly so he can wear his hair however he wants. WORKING TITLE: FROM BABY TO BRADY
OAKLAND RAIDERS -- Dolph Lundgren as Howie Long.
We'd set it in present day, focusing on how someone can have a successful career after their heyday on the playing field (like how Dolph hit it big again with "The Expendables" years after he was rocking the box office with "Universal Soldier"). My only mandate would be that Dolph go back to the high top he sported in the '90s so he could pass for Long. Bonus casting: Anthony Mackie (Papa Doc) as Mike Haynes. WORKING TITLE: I MUST BREAK YOU
ST. LOUIS RAMS -- Michael Imperioli as Marc Bulger.
Imperioli bumps off anyone who gets in his way of becoming the Rams starting quarterback. First it's Trent Green, then Kurt Warner, and then he seizes the starting job. Harvey Keitel is the cop always one step behind the case. Bonus casting: Bobcat Goldthwait as Kyle Turley. WORKING TITLE: CEMENT SPIKES
BALTIMORE RAVENS -- Lucas Black as Joe Flacco.
Hey, Black fell just short of the Texas 5A State title in "Friday Night Lights," so who better to fall just short against the Patriots in the 2012 playoffs? The film would end with Black in tears after Billy Cundiff's missed field goal, and then we see his nameplate come down off the Ravens depth chart (sorry, I'm projecting ahead a couple years). WORKING TITLE: SUPER BOWL NEVERMORE
WASHINGTON REDSKINS -- Andre Benjamin as Robert Griffin III.
This will be a slick, highly-produced movie with no dull spots. Think "Moneyball" meets "Any Given Sunday". You'll have a killer soundtrack, with or without Big Boi. I'm already seeing a "Hey-Ya" montage of Griffin's NFL pre-draft workouts as he's running by and through players as nameless coaches shake their heads in awe. WORKING TITLE: IDOL WILD
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS -- James Cromwell as Archie Manning.
Think of it as a "Dallas" or "Dynasty" for the big screen. Cromwell is the patriarch trying to keep a huge empire together despite family quarrels -- mainly over Super Bowl wins. Bonus casting: Scott Caan and Casey Affleck as Peyton and Eli Manning. WORKING TITLE: SONS OF OLIGARCHY
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -- Matt Damon as Matt Flynn.
Flynn signs with the Seahawks as a quarterback, but he's also a spy who's attempting to ferret out a huge NFL conspiracy. He breaks legs, arms and heads regularly -- but those are just with his passes in practice. Can he win the big game and save the world at the same time? Bonus casting: Richard Gere as Pete Carroll. WORKING TITLE: BIRD OF PREY
PITTSBURGH STEELERS -- Ron Howard as Terry Bradshaw.
I know it's been awhile since Howard's been in front of the camera, but we'd be able to make a movie about Bradshaw's life after football, and you know you'd get Howard to direct it as well, so that would help the bottom line. Bonus casting: Jason Segel as Ben Roethlisberger. WORKING TITLE: BRADSHAWDRAFT
HOUSTON TEXANS -- Ludacris as Arian Foster.
What a story. From undrafted to the NFL and a superstar. We'd even put in the scene where another young running back wants his audition tape to make it to the NFL but Ludacris tries to flush it down the toilet instead. WORKING TITLE: MUSCLE AND GO
TENNESSEE TITANS/HOUSTON OILERS -- Gbenga Akinnagbe as Earl Campbell.
Campbell was the most intimidating running back since Jim Brown. No one was more intimidating in "The Wire" than Chris Partlow. Yes, I'm going to get as many people from "The Wire" in as possible. We'd film in Baltimore but make it look like Houston. WORKING TITLE: OIL AND EARL
MINNESOTA VIKINGS -- Donald Faison as Adrian Peterson.
The smile alone wins him the part. And he's shown to have pretty good football skills from "Remember The Titans." As a bonus, he could diagnose his own knee injury in the movie since he played a doctor for a long time. Bonus casting: Bryan Cranston as Brad Childress. WORKING TITLE: NO SCRUBS