Super Bowl LII glossary: Every term you need to know

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Super Bowl week is here. As a primer, here's a glossary of terms to get you up to speed before the Patriots and Eagles clash in Super Bowl LII on Sunday. Approximately 90 percent of the content herein can be fairly described as "accurate." The rest is a mixture of hearsay and outright falsehoods.

A

Ajayi, Jay: London-born running back and the only person in pro football history who can say, "I'm going to the Super Bowl" and "Jay Cutler is my teammate" in the same season.

Amendola, Danny: Handsome wide receiver whose regular January and February exploits during his tenure in New England prompted teammate Rob Gronkowski to rechristen him Danny "Playoffs" Amendola. Inventive? No, not even by Gronk standards. But super accurate.

B

Belichick, Bill: Patriots head coach whose mastery of football strategy and team-building has kept him at the pinnacle of the sport for decades. Bon Jovi fan. Owns a boat. Wore sleeveless shirt to AFC Championship Game postgame presser and dared attending media peons to ask him about impromptu gun show. No one did.

Blount, LeGarrette: Eagles running back and Forrest Gump-like figure who's been involved in every moment of consequence in NFL history.

Brady, Tom: Indestructible Ken doll. Father of Gisele people. Purveyor of performance pajamas. Says stuff like, "If you're competing against me, you better be willing to give up your life -- because I'm giving up mine," and thinks that's totally normal human commentary.

Britt, Kenny: Erstwhile Cleveland Browns problem child who took the Michael Floyd Shortcut To The Super Bowl. Was once arrested at a Hoboken, N.J., car wash, which, honestly, is the funniest place one can be apprehended by authorities.

Broad Street: Major arterial thoroughfare that runs north to south through Philadelphia. Will be reduced to dust and rubble if the Eagles actually win on Sunday.

Butler, Malcolm: Fourth-year Patriots cornerback who earned franchise immortality after his game-deciding interception of Russell Wilson in Super Bowl XLIX. Oddly, it seems like the Patriots can't wait to get rid of him.

C

Celek, Brent: Lunchpail Eagles tight end quietly approaching the end of his 27th NFL season.

Collinsworth, Cris: Talented NBC color analyst who has deftly turned "Sunday Night Football" into a 3.5-hour infomercial for Pro Football Focus, his popular analytics site.

Cooks, Brandin: Speedy wideout who made game-changing plays on a regular basis in his first season with Patriots, but has yet to earn the trust of New England faithful. Will either win Super Bowl with last-minute touchdown reception or lose game on egregious drop.

Cooper, Bradley: Infuriatingly handsome Hollywood A-lister and diehard Eagles fan whose luxury-box celebrations at Lincoln Financial Field force one to study their own muted reality and wonder if God is purposely cruel, or if life is really just a big poker game in which you got dealt the bum hand.

Crisco: Popular brand of food shortening typically used in the baking sector but also employed by city officials in Philadelphia, who grease up light poles so idiots won't climb them to celebrate conquests by the local football team. Feels like we, as a society, have been too easily accepting of this acid trip of a crime deterrent.

D

E

F

Fatone, Joey: Former *NSYNC member who has waited patiently for his phone to vibrate since Justin Timberlake was announced as the Super Bowl LII halftime-show headliner. Keep that bad boy charged, Joe!

Foles, Nick: Backup-turned-starting Eagles quarterback whose spirited performance in the NFC Championship Game against the Vikings is the primary reason some pundits believe Philadelphia can win this damn thing on Sunday. Will be granted forever civic legend status if he posts a passer rating over 88 in a victorious Eagles effort.

G

Garoppolo, Jimmy: Dashing and productive young quarterback whose midseason trade from the Patriots to the 49ers will serve as beefy fodder for national media members desperate for something fresh to write about during another Patriots Super Bowl week. Consider it an upset if Tom Brady fields fewer than 14 Jimmy G-related queries on Opening Night.

Gilmore, Stephon: Big-money cornerback whose rocky start and rock-solid finish neatly mirrored the Patriots' defense as a whole this season. Saved his organization from eternal shame with an underappreciated Blake Bortles pass breakup late in the AFC Championship Game. Doesn't miss Buffalo.

Gisele: International supermodel and wife of Tom Brady. Remains the only true threat to Patriots fans who want their star quarterback to play until age 50.

"Gonna Fly Now": Iconic Bill Conti-composed theme song from "Rocky" franchise that's become the unofficial anthem of the Philadelphia sports scene. Though the composition has lapsed into cliche status for many Philadelphians, every other fan base wishes "Gonna Fly Now" was connected to their city.

Grandma Millie: Soon-to-be centenarian from Minnesota who was one Vikings win away from becoming the biggest human interest story of Super Bowl Week. Way to go, Vikings.

Gronkowski, Rob: Sentient beer keg who has established himself as the most dominant tight end in the history of pro football. Every day takes us closer to a Rob Gronkowski Hall of Fame speech in Canton. Let that sink in.

H

Harrison, James: If there's a God -- or at least a sports executive worth his salt -- Jim Gray is at Opening Night and asks James Harrison why he quit on the Steelers.

Harrison, Rodney: Former Patriots safety and current "Football Night In America" analyst who has never picked against the Patriots in any scenario and never, ever, ever will. Heat between Harrison and fellow analyst Tony Dungy can edge into the uncomfortable, sublime at times.

I

"I'm Shipping Up To Boston": Abrasive, overrated fight song for 21st century New England sports teams popularized by Celtic punk band Dropkick Murphys. The song was originally written with far nobler intentions by folk singer Woody Guthrie. In fairness, "The Departed" was a pretty great movie. Ending was a little on the nose, though.

J

Jeffery, Alshon: Talented Eagles wide receiver who boldly proclaimed last January that his team was going to the Super Bowl. Great prediction, with one important caveat: Jeffery was on the Bears at the time.

K

Kraft, Robert: Only owner in NFL who wears Nikes with his tailored suits. Arguably a more important figure in New England than Tom Brady or Bill Belichick.

L

Left Shark: Patron saint of halftime show distractions. Very little chance Justin Timberlake has any agenda-driven sea-faring creatures connected to his setlist.

Lewis, Dion: Unsung dynamo of Patriots offense. Team is nearly unbeatable in games that have featured the multi-talented running back. Will probably win Super Bowl MVP.

Lombardi Trophy: Still the best championship trophy of any of the four major North American sports. Get outta here with your germ-infested Stanley Cup. Just 'cause you can drink out of it doesn't make it better. Being more versatile does not constitute a superior trophy.

Lurie, Jeffrey: Eagles owner who continued the proud tradition of NFC owners dancing awkwardly with their teams after clinching a Super Bowl berth. Somewhere, 2016 dancing owner champ Arthur Blank is doing the Cam Newton "OK, that's what's up" face.

M

McDaniels, Josh: Patriots offensive coordinator likely to be introduced as Colts head coach about 48 hours after the Super Bowl. Will look to invest in a time machine if Andrew Luck's shoulder doesn't heal.

Michaels, Al: Come for the peerless play-by-play delivery and subtle sense of humor. References to Vegas matters late in telecasts become less and less veiled with each passing year. Al DGAF and we love him for it.

Minneapolis: Icy tundra/major Midwest metropolis that presents zero chance of survival for soft sports bloggers who have become accustomed to the temperate climate of Southern California.

N

O

Opening Night: A sordid carnival of media gluttony held on the Monday evening of Super Bowl Week. Serves as ideal vehicle if you wish to know answers to questions like: "Which prominent sports media personality has the worst body odor problem?" A minimum of three men will be dressed in drag for perceived comedic effect.

P

Patricia, Matt: Big teddy bear of a defensive coordinator and soon-to-be head coach set to leave team that has been to eight Super Bowls in 16 years to lead franchise that has appeared in zero Super Bowls ... ever. Shoot your shot, man. First-ballot inductee into the Looks Totally Different Without Facial Hair Hall of Fame:

Pederson, Doug: Sixty minutes of football away from Philadelphia sainthood. Losing his MVP quarterback in December and then coaching up the backup to a Super Bowl win would be an all-timer.

P!nk: Venerable pop star and Super Bowl LII national anthem performer who doesn't get enough credit for successfully entrenching the stylized spelling of her name within the culture.

Pole Guy: Local Clod whose gnarly collision with a weight-bearing subway pillar made him a local legend and real-life answer to Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Did not die, which is good.

Prince: Deceased pop icon and Minnesota native voted most likely to return to Earth to upstage Justin Timberlake at halftime.

Q

R

Roseman, Howie: Eagles vice president who survived Chip Kelly era, re-established himself as the organization's top behind-the-scenes power player and became the NFL front office answer to Andy Dufresne in the process. Howie Roseman ... who crawled through a river of s--- and came out clean on the other side.

RPO: Acronym for "Run-Pass Option," a basic football concept no one used in casual conversation until Troy Aikman uttered the term 482 times during the Eagles' Divisional Round win against the Falcons.

S

Slater, Matthew: Special teams ace whom Bill Belichick will almost certainly cite as his favorite player ever during the coach's Canton induction speech. Tom Brady will seethe in anger, reaching levels of jealousy not seen since Belichick failed to award him Patriot of the Week honors during 2017 season.

T

Tafoya, Michele: Al, Cris, Michele are turnin' up, it's the NFL, can't get enough!

T.G.I. Fridays: Functionally perfect casual dining restaurant that houses a franchise location in the hotel where "Around The NFL Podcast" will be staying during Super Bowl Week. Collective podcast bloodstream will be 74 percent signature Jack Daniels sauce by kickoff.

"This Is Us": NBC drama powerhouse that will air a "very special" episode immediately after Super Bowl. Translation: A principal cast member is getting sent to the meat wagon. Also the No. 1 program wives guilt their husbands into watching so "we can have a show we enjoy together."

Timberlake, Justin: Superstar entertainer who will become first performer to appear on Super Bowl halftime stage on three separate occasions. Just for fun, here are the other performers who joined Timberlake at his two previous Super Bowls in 2001 and 2004: Aerosmith, the other *NSYNC bros, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, Jessica Simpson (!), P. Diddy, Nelly (again) and Kid Rock. Oh, and Janet Jackson.

U

Underdog: How numbers-conscious desert people have regarded the Eagles for the entirety of their playoff run. In celebration (or retaliation), Eagles players Lane Johnson and Chris Long began dog-mask craze in Philadelphia after team's Divisional Round win over the Falcons. The mask phenomena serves as nightmare fuel for majority of nation.

U.S. Bank Stadium: State-of-the-art home of the Minnesota Vikings and the site of Super Bowl LII. Forty thousand Eagles fans prepared to overrun the facility and repurpose the "Skol!" chant. "Foles! Foles! Foles!" Grandma Millie is gonna hate that.

V

W

Wahlberg, Mark: Typically bankable Hollywood leading man and known Patriots supporter who was subjected to a hefty dose of Internet snark when he was spotted exiting Super Bowl LI prior to New England's historic comeback. Wahlberg eventually pinned his felony-level fan transgression on a misbehaving son, which, c'mon man.

Wentz, Carson: Golden Boy of Philadelphia whose MVP season was cruelly cut down by a freak knee injury in Week 14. Had the No. 1 and No. 2 highest-selling jerseys in the NFL in 2017. He's bringing back the cane as an acceptable fashion accessary.

Wickersham, Seth: ESPN senior writer who's been missing since his report on behind-the-scenes unrest involving high-ranking players and officials of the New England Patriots was published in early January. If you're out there, Seth, we have not forgotten about you. Stay strong.

X

Y

Z

Zolak, Scott: Oft-unhinged color man for Patriots radio network. Decent chance his head explodes on Sunday if Patriots win another Super Bowl.

Follow Dan Hanzus on Twitter @danhanzus.
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