End Around: NFL Dad rankings; a pitch to Dick Mahoney

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Tough times for Steph Curry, whose Warriors might be choking away the NBA Finals at the same time the sharpshooter's new Under Amour sneakers are being buried by an avalanche of snark on Twitter.

As you surely know by now, The Internet Cognoscenti reached an amusing unanimous conclusion on the Chef Currys: "Dude, those are Dad Shoes." Pete Carroll, a Baby Boomer who's rocked Nike Air Monarchs since Dell Curry was king, had no issue with the kicks.

Under Armour probably won't use ol' Petey in their advertising campaign, but it led to a great question from reader Lily Jaquith: Does Pete Carroll top the NFL Dad rankings?

With Father's Day coming up, let's answer that question with a quick power poll:

1) Pete Carroll

Yep, can't overthink this. Carroll checks all the boxes: Generous swath of salt-and-pepper hair, preference for white sneakers paired with khakis/track pants, warm, dorky sense of humor and -- this is an educated guess -- a deep admiration of the entire catalogue of Fleetwood Mac. He's far and away the head coach who would best teach you how to parallel park between two garbage cans.

2) Bruce Arians

Arians is the classic Cool Dad, a parental sub-category that can go very wrong in the wrong hands. He shaves his head, has questionable taste in hats, uses salty language and will probably buy you and your friends beer when you come home for Thanksgiving break freshman year. He's also a Bruce, a name that never really left the domain of Dad-dom.

3) Todd Bowles

The Jets coach is the type of dad you know you must respect ... or else. He's a quiet man with burning intensity and the last person you want answering the door when you pick up your date on prom night. "Son, if you know what's good for you, my daughter is back at this front door at 10:15 sharp." You get her home at 9:45 just in case he's on Coughlin time.

4) Wade Phillips

Son Of Bum is like the dad in a sitcom who's constantly putting out fires in his household of mischief makers. I actually just checked to make sure he wasn't the father in "Just The Ten Of Us." (He wasn't.) Plus, as we saw with the photo captions from his White House visit, Wade exhibits classic Dad communication tendencies with new technology. General rule: No cellular network communication can include more than four words.

5) Bill Belichick

Belichick is the dad who can turn a backyard Wiffle ball game into a referendum on his love for you. This is a pressure-filled but effective method in turning a boy into a man. "I just want to make you proud of me, DAD!" (Warning: This can also lead to estrangement.)

Happy Father's Day to all the dads reading the End Around, including my pop and hero, Keith. Hey, that's another SuperDad name!

Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.

A siren call to Dick Mahoney

Dick Mahoney: Pro slo-pitch softball player, circa 1987. #jerrycurl #moderndaythrowback #warmup

A photo posted by Tiffany Rethwill (@tiffcherie) on

This is maybe my favorite story of the offseason. Walter Thurmond, the recently retired defensive back, spent part of his spring playing on a bar softball team in disguise as his alter ego: Dick Mahoney.

That is a tremendous sentence.

The mystery man -- described as a figure who looked "like Eazy-E circa 1988: black dude with a Jheri curl hairstyle, LA Dodgers shirt and hat" -- slugged seven home runs in his first two games before abruptly quitting the team to pursue a filmmaking career in Los Angeles. It was only after he left town that his teammates found out his true identity.

If you listen to the "Around The NFL Podcast" (and you should), you know that I am the manager of The Shield, NFL.com's company softball squad. We're currently 3-4 and missing one big bopper in the middle of our lineup. We play every Thursday on the west end of Los Angeles.

Walter Thurmond -- sorry, Dick Mahoney -- join our team. We can promise you companionship, a few laughs, free light beer and a prominent place in our batting order.

Ask yourself this, Dick: Did Bobby Fischer throw out his chess board before winning the Cold War? Did Beethoven step away from the piano before composing his Fifth Symphony? Don't walk away from the diamond, Dick. Embrace your destiny as the greatest f------ softball player who ever lived.

Bon Jovi is a sociopath

If you've been wondering what Jon Bon Jovi has been up to of late, the answer is that the Jersey rock icon has been using black magic to systematically terrorize a young suburban couple in Anywhere, U.S.A.

The proof is right there in the current inescapable DirecTV ad campaign. Here's the first commercial:

Things start innocently enough. Bon Jovi uses his mysterious powers to upgrade the dip. This was a cool move. But then he lets his sorcery go to his head, sending Tommy and Gina's child into the ether -- presumably forever. The boy's crime? Being a mild nuisance while his television-obsessed parents ignored him on a sunny day.

Here, Bon Jovi completes the process of disintegrating the family structure. He conjures more perverted voodoo to summon a high-octane lothario from Gina's past. The two immediately cuddle up, young lovers once more while Tommy -- now saddled with a dated hairstyle that will repel any single women in a 300-mile radius -- looks on helplessly. And don't even get me started on the sole surviving child. Decades of therapy await.

And why does Bon Jovi do this? What drives him to turn a happy home into a house of horrors? The smirk says it all. Jon Bon Jovi destroys this family simply because he can.

The perils of pregnancy

Bills running back Karlos Williams was held out of minicamp practices this week because the team was unhappy with his weight. His explanation for the doughiness was both honest and unexpected:

"(I) like to eat and then (my fiancée) being pregnant gave me an excuse to eat, so eating anything and everything. She'd wake up, one or two o'clock, 'I want a snack.' Well, I'm not going to sit here and watch you eat because I don't want you to feel bad, but it's back to football."

As someone who's been through the pregnancy cycle with my wife -- and is going thru once more right now (nailed it) -- I can confirm the temptation is very real with a consistently hungry preggo lady. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to go to an In-N-Out drive-thru for your woman and not order a Double Double for yourself?

Well ... DO YOU?!?

Point is ... it's June. Karlos was being a cool husband. I'm sure his DadBod will be super tight come the last week of July. To paraphrase the late, great Chris Farley: Lay off him, he was starving.

This is a good prank

You need to see video to truly grasp the effort here:

Things got less funny when they tied Treadwell down and made him eat every bag. Step too far, IMO.

That reminds me of one of my favorite "Simpsons" bits ever:

Any interest in a weird, super-expensive bus?

At one time in his life, cornerback Cortland Finnegan made the decision to invest a large amount of money in a vintage Volkswagen Microbus meticulously customized to include elements of Doc Brown's DeLorean from the "Back To The Future" film trilogy. I only hope that one day I am wealthy enough to spend money as insanely as this.

Anyway, Finnegan is now trying to unload the sucker for $150,000. Good luck with that, sir.

Untitled

This does give me an idea for an inverse version of Xzibit's old show, "Pimp My Ride". In my show, X shows up at your door, takes your expensively customized vehicle and turns it back into a s--- box.

OK, you say that's a stupid idea now, but is it really any worse than turning a broken-down Volkswagen into Marty McFly's hero vessel? Whatever, leave me alone.

The Eagles are in very good hands

A red flag perhaps, Eagles fans, but keep this in mind: The Browns traded out of the opportunity to draft Wentz in April. Knowing that the Football Gods will forever smite Cleveland's football franchise, that means there is a very good chance Wentz becomes a perennial All-Pro. Assuming the Iggles can keep him clear of the treacherous rest stops of America.

Tweet Of The Week

Buffalo finally won the big one!

Quote of the Week

"Who doesn't like Beyoncé? Man, who doesn't? I'm just waiting for her to get on her knee and marry me. Hov sees this interview and next thing you know, the whole Detroit Lions be gone. He gonna own the team."

-- Lions cornerback Darius Slay, a man fully aware of Jay-Z's high standing in The Illuminati

Heroes of the Week: Rex & Rob Ryan

Hear me now and believe me later: You'll miss them when they're gone.

Until next time ...

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