Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.
It was a good week for ...
1. Johnny Manziel: The Browns have, at long last, decided to see if their former first-round pick can actually play. I feel like we're going to get a really solid Drake single out of this either way.
2. Adrian Peterson: You have every reason not to like the guy, but has anyone noticed that AP is in vintage form right now? He's ahead of his pace from his 2,000-yard MVP season, and it feels kind of under the radar.
3. T.J. Yates: If only he could play the Bengals every week.
It was a bad week for ...
1. Aaron Rodgers: The Baddest Quarterback On The Planet has been downright mortal for a month. Perhaps we should be more suspicious of that shoulder issue that popped up on the Packers' injury report.
3. Peyton Manning: It can't possibly end like this, can it?
Full Wattage
Monday night's interview with ESPN's Lisa Salters perfectly summed up the J.J. Watt experience. He's a dominant, once-in-a-generation player who is a mortal lock for Canton before his 27th birthday. He's among the most visible players in the NFL, and yet, have we ever witnessed a truly authentic moment from him?
The Red Ryder BB gun line -- while certainly memorable -- doesn't count as one. You can imagine him reciting the line over and over again in his hotel room mirror in downtown Cincinnati on Sunday night, stressing the words in different places to achieve the maximum desired effect.
The only genuine Watt moment on record might be the end-of-show clip from the season premiere of Hard Knocks this summer. Watt is playing cornhole with family at his "minimalistic" cabin estate in rural Wisconsin. He's talking trash, burying all competition (even his mother) without breaking a sweat. He seems like a fun guy to hang out with. I'd like to see more of that dude.
Carson gets frisky
Much cyber ink was wasted this week on hot takes (give it a rest, guys) comparing the celebrations of Cam Newton to celebratory gestures by Cardinals quarterbacks Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton in the waning moments of Sunday night's big win in Seattle. Drew Stanton got his white guy fist-pump and leg-kick thing going -- we call it The Genesis -- while Palmer engaged in a pelvic thrust that most assumed was directed at Seahawks fans at CenturyLink Field.
Palmer has since clarified that said pelvic thrust was actually directed at three male friends in the stands.
"I had my buddies in the sideline, right four or five rows up," Palmer told ESPN.com. "I saw them pretty excited and (that) got me excited to see them excited."
Don't pretend the sight of your pumped-up buddies has never caused you to pump pelvis. Ladies, we know you're not innocent, either.
One last nugget here: Palmer identified his three friends as Pup, Phil and Sugar Cane. It's like his own personal Entourage. "Carson's gonna do the movie!" (Cue late-period Jane's Addiction single, painful Russell Wilson cameo).
The Browns-Steelers "rivalry" needs help
Our old Pain Rankings buddy, Mike Polk Jr., offered up some comparisons to the Browns-Steelers rivalry during Sunday's lopsided Cleveland loss. The Steelers hold a 28-6 edge in the series since the Browns returned to the NFL in 1999.
Almost impossibly, this is the second time the shameless ET-ripoff Mac And Me has found its way into this column in 2015. Aw hell, let's run it back again. (h/t Paul Rudd, Conan):
You still like that?
Does NFL Films still produce those end-of-season videos for each team? Those were great, because NFL Films would do yeoman's work to spin every season as a majestic glory-fest, even when the team stunk. I definitely have a video for the 1990 New York Jets that's titled Ready For Take-Off or something. It took more than a 4-12 season for Films producers to skew negative.
Anyway, if they still make those video, the Redskins retrospective for the 2015 season will definitely be titled You Like That!: The Story Of The 6-10 Washington Redskins.
Life for Patriots fans
Here we are on
Throne Of Ease
Jet Blue Airlines, where a plane packed with Pats fans watch as Stephen Gostkowski's last-second field goal against the Giants pushes New England to 9-0.
Aren't you just so happy for them? I'm surprised there aren't young cherubs feeding the passengers grapes and fine wine while a kindly old Southie man strums a harp and sings old Irish folk tunes in the front of the cabin. Signed, A Bitter AFC East Fan
And the award for Best Humblebrag Of The NFL Season goes to ...
Buccaneers general manager Jason Licht, who explained to the Tampa Bay Times his family tradition of a fully-clothed jump into his swimming pool with his children after Bucs home wins.
"It surprisingly hasn't ruined the suits," Licht said. "But I gladly would sacrifice and pay $1,000 for each one for a win. At the time, I don't care. And I cross my fingers each time that I turn a suit into the dry cleaners and go, 'Oh, man, I like that suit, too.' But they come back, and so far, they've been good, too."
Really shoehorned that $1,000 price tag in there, didn't ya, JL? I like that the NFL has its own version of GOB from Arrested Development.
Dance QB2, Dance
Other instances where this is an acceptable reaction:
» You're Phil Collins, it's 1985, and the latest Genesis album just went to No. 1.
» You got a ticket for running a stop sign and the cop doesn't show up to your hearing.
» Your astronaut best friend arrives safely back in the Earth's orbit after a technical glitch placed him in mortal danger.
» You're a huge Charlie Whitehurst fan who just learned Clipboard Jesus was claimed on waivers.
» You wake up after a night of heavy drinking and realize you got a free pass from the Hangover Gods.
»The Fugitive pops up while you're channel surfing and Richard Kimble is just about to escape from the jail bus.
Vine Of The Week
With all due respect to Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, the Black-Eyed Peas etc. (OK, not really the Black-Eyed Peas), can we all just get over our own insecurties and need to be perceived as "cool" and accept that the best halftime show will always be monkeys riding on dogs?
I want you to tell me one time you didn't see this in person, or watch on television or the internet and not think to yourself, "I like this and would like to see more of it."
Once we get over the emotional baggage and give in to our base impulses, try to imagine a Super Bowl halftime show in which you were able to collect all of the best monkeys and all of the greatest dogs and team them with the top monkeys-riding-dogs trainers in the game. Give them a couple years to perfect the performance and then drop it on us during Super Bowl 52 in Minnesota.
It would change ... everything.
Antonio Brown has put the NFL on notice ...
This is the touchdown celebration to beat in 2015.
Quote of the Week
"I am disappointed in him for the integrity of this game. I have a lot of respect for him. He's a really good player. And so there's a lot of kids and a lot of people that look up to him. And for him to make comments like that, it just shows that it's acceptable to do that kind of stuff and say that kind of stuff. So I mean, it's disappointing for one of the best players in this league to come out and say something like that."
-- Andy Dalton, getting a little carried away with himself after learning of Watt's Red Ryder dig. To his credit, Dalton later walked his comments back about seven country miles.
Hero of the Week: Tom Brady Embracing His Full Tom Brady-ness
Sure, Brady was overly sensitive when talking (or not talking) about Deflategate to GQ, but give the man props for a fearless pictorial that shows him pulling off a suit jacket and sweatpants combo. Whoa.
Alex Rodriguez does a ponderous men's magazine shoot and he's haunted forever as a real-life Zoolander. Tom Brady does a ponderous men's magazine shoot and everyone is totally cool with it. There's magic in that ability.
Until next time ...
