There's no way to predict what's going to happen during an NFL season. The football gods are out to make fools of us all.
So cheer up, Danny Trevathan. You are ultimately an agent of good. And with that, here are eight things that could happen this year (but probably won't).
(I bet you thought this list would have 10 predictions. See? You can't predict anything!)
Brandon Weeden will throw for 4,000 yards, 30 touchdowns
Why it could happen: Well, I predicted it on the "Around The League Podcast," and the hope here is that putting it in print can somehow will Weeden to a temporary state of semi-greatness. He has a big arm and a much-improved coaching staff around him. Josh Gordon is The Truth (when not banned). Trent Richardson is a breakout star in waiting. It's easier to talk yourself into this than you'd think.
Why it won't: I'm 75 percent sure the Browns' Berea, Ohio, headquarters was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Rex Ryan will be the NFL's Coach of the Year
Why it could happen: There was a time, before Tebow, before the tabloid Cold War, before the book, before he stood sideways, Rex was a respected coach with tangible success. He didn't forget how to coach defense, and that should keep the Jets in more games than people think. If this team gets to the playoffs, how is Rex not strongly considered come award season?
Why it won't: The Jets' dearth of talent and toxic atmosphere has birthed expectations so low, you have to excavate to the core of Earth to find them. Geno Smith is as prepared for an NFL starting quarterback job as the area vagrant who takes recyclable materials from your trash at night.
Peyton Manning will throw for 112 touchdowns and zero interceptions
Why it could happen: Because he's literally on pace for it.
Why it won't: Because a gang of defensive coordinators will frame him for a substantial white-collar crime by November.
Matt McGloin will lead Raiders to the playoffs
Why it could happen: Terrelle Pryor is the Anti-Truth. He'll take his 24.3 passer rating to the bench by Week 3. Enter McGloin, an undrafted free agent out of Penn State, the home of Kerry Collins and sadness. It's possible McGloin can play clean football and ride a resurgent season from Darren McFadden to 9-7. This will be costly to colleague Chris Wesseling, who already has agreed to eat his softball pants if the Raiders win six games.
Why it won't: Because I've taken a cursory glance at the Raiders' roster. Also, he's Matt McGloin.
The Cardinals will win the NFC West
Why it could happen: There are way too many people picking the 49ers and Seahawks for greatness this season (including me). This has to lead to some sort of cosmic re-jiggering. Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer has about a quarter of a tank left in him, and he'll make the most of some very capable weapons. How about a sneaky MVP season from Larry Fitzgerald!
Why it won't: When I say Palmer has a quarter tank, I really mean the needle is on "E." The yellow light is illuminated, your girlfriend is getting nervous, and there's no rest stop for another 30 miles. Honey Badger already has declared he's not pushing if this thing putters out.
Arian Foster will re-activate his ponderous Twitter feed
Why it won't: I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. I guess I just miss my friend.
The Cowboys won't suffer a huge embarrassing failure in Week 17
Why it could happen: The Cowboys are way overdue for a little piece of happiness. In a tightly-packed NFC East, Dallas has the most impact talent of any roster in the division. Just ask Michael Irvin. Tony Romo, meanwhile, understands he has to withdraw the signature on his $100 million contract if he blows another season finale.
Your team will win Super Bowl XLVIII
Why it could happen: From a base odds standpoint, you have a 1 in 32 chance. It's possible you have a quarterback the national media refers to as "elite."
Why it won't: Did your team win last year? How about the year before that? And the one before that? The world can be a cold and empty place.The "Around The League Podcast" is now available on iTunes! Click here to listen and subscribe.