Does anybody remember when our athletes settled their issues like rational human beings? You know, by trading barbs through the press? Yeah, me neither. Now players don’t have to go through a middle-man to be misquoted. They can fire off their salvos in 140 characters to get their point across.
And most of the time, it’s rather lame. “Hey, you’re terrible.”
“No, you are.”
“You hit like a girl.”
Let’s be honest. Most of it is rather lame. But that didn’t stop me from culling some of the best (or worst from your perspective) Twitter feuds. Or Teuds if you will.
Osi Umenyiora vs. LeSean McCoy
McCoy launched the opening salvo by proclaiming that Umenyiora is not worthy of a new contract because he is the third best defensive lineman on his team. Umenyiora responded with some childish taunts of McCoy being a girl and then comparing him to Lady Gaga.
Umenyiora then landed a haymaker when he said, "I'm like rubber, McCoy's like glue. What he says bounces off me and sticks to him." Just kidding, but that's about the right maturity level.
Winner: McCoy. Not only was Umenyiora's retort rather lame, but he's already crying about McCoy crossing the line.
Darren Sharper vs. Visanthe Shiancoe
This feud reached the terror threat level orange after Shiancoe compared Sharper to Osama bin Laden, which was a rational reaction to Sharper saying that Brett Favre's ankle was going to have a huge 'X' over it. One was one of the biggest terrorist threats the world has ever known, and the other was a football player who was talking smack about his opponent.
Sharper then said he was going to bust up Shiancoe for America!
'Imma bust you right under your chinstrap from the first play on. I don't care about the fine. F the money Imma do it for the red,white&blue.'
Winner: Unintentional comedy because Shiancoe is from England.
Rashard Mendenhall vs. America
Speaking of bin Laden, Mendenhall was disgusted by those around the world who celebrated the demise of the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks and got all philosophical about it on Twitter.
"What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side..."
Winners: America. Because free and somewhat ignorant speech is protected, even on Twitter.
Matt Hasselbeck vs. Antonio Cromartie
The early days of the lockout might be best remembered for the war of words exchanged by Hasselbeck and Cromartie. The Jets defensive back was upset that no new progress was being made in the negotiations and vented his frustration. Of course, Hasselbeck was ready for him with this one:
"Somebody ask Cromartie if he knows what CBA stands for."
Winner: Cromartie might not know what a CBA stands for, but he certainly knows what a KO is. Cromartie then threatened Hasselbeck with violence, which is the Twitter equivalent of waving a white flag.
Stevie Johnson vs. God
How many times have you heard a player thank God after winning a game or making a great play? So it was refreshing when a player called out his deity after dropping the winning touchdown pass against the Steelers in Week 12.
"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
Winner: God, because Johnson is still playing for the Bills and God does hold judgment over everybody.
Chad Ochocinco vs. Terrell Owens
The enigmatic Bengals receiver has battled seemingly everybody on Twitter, sports personalities, players and even fantasy gurus like Michael Fabiano (some will say that Ochocinco has never recovered from that beatdown.) But Ochocinco and Owens got into a war of words on Twitter, each blaming the other for quarterback Carson Palmer's desire to retire rather than return to Cincinnati.
Said Ochocinco: "Man its your (blank) fault my QB is retiring, I should whoop your (blank) cause they're blaming me you (blank) Diva!!!"
Responded Owens: "I should whoop ur (blank) 4 asking me 2 come 2 Cincy! Yeh it's my fault tht he's retiring but not if I woulda had 15 TDs instead of 9."
Winners: While this probably had the sincerity as your typically WWF storyline, this was still somewhat amusing. Of course, the real winner will be Carson Palmer if he gets his wish and is traded to some place like Arizona.
Rodney Harrison vs. Terrell Owens
Owens, not surprisingly, is a fairly big target on Twitter. Like the Khloe Kardashian of the NFL. Just not that big. NBC analyst Rodney Harrison ripped Owens during the receiver's tenure in Buffalo, saying that he was a me-first player.
Owens responded by making fun of Harrison's suspension for HGH, calling him a cheater and asking Harrison to "Send me sum steroids 2 the Bills facility next week!"
Winner: Both guys were right. We'll call this one a draw.
Jermichael Finley and Nick Barnett vs. the Packers
A few of the more notable players on the Packers' injured reserve list were a bit irked when the team planned on taking its team photo without the 16 players rehabilitating their injuries back in Green Bay.
Barnett and Finley took jabs at everybody in the organization, including quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Much to the delight of the Steelers, who tweeted their approval.
Winners: Rodgers finally squashed the controversy, and used a phone to call his teammates to tell them to chill out (of course, not before shaming them in public). The Packers took the photo on Friday with the whole team present and went on to win the Super Bowl.
The NFL vs. Jay Cutler
Seemed like many NFL players had an opinion about Jay Cutler not returning to play in the 2010 NFC Championship Game. One of the most notable included Maurice Jones-Drew who said:
"Hey I think the urban meyer rule is effect right now... When the going gets tough........QUIT.."
"All I'm saying is that he can finish the game on a hurt knee... I played the whole season on one..."
And then there was Darnell Dockett who unloaded this blast: "If I'm on chicago team jay cutler has to wait till me and the team shower get dressed and leave before he comes in the locker room!"
Winner: All of us rooting against Cutler.
CM Punk vs. Shawne Merriman
This is my favorite Twitter feud of all-time. Does anybody remember when Merriman was one of the brightest stars in the NFL? He was reduced to rubble by the best active wrestler in the WWE, who was amused by Merriman's attempts to woo one of the WWE divas lounging poolside in Costa Rica.
"Watching Shawne Merriman of the Buffalo Bills hit on our divas and strike out. Reminds me of the Bills in the Super Bowl. "If you could get to a QB as fast as you ran after our divas, maybe you'd make headlines being a Pro Bowler and not a creep."
Winner: CM Punk, after Merriman threatened the former WWE champ with a lights-out dance. In fact, Punk proclaimed it for himself.
"Clearly, I have defeated you. However, You will have plenty of time to think of a better come back while you ride the bench for another entire season."