The devil's workshop
Ladies and gentlemen, our long, national nightmare is over: Football is back, and not a moment too soon.
The only thing more agonizing than the NFL's seemingly interminable offseason -- a sad, flaccid wasteland strewn with tennis highlights and David Beckham sightings -- is the increasingly medieval headlines we are confronted with every morning as we mainline some caffeine and choke on the latest misadventures that can befall a young millionaire at 3 a.m.
Perhaps it's the competitive spirit that drives our heroes to be faster, stronger, better, but this year the bar got lifted. Or is that lowered?
 As opening kickoff in Indianapolis approaches, the defending Super Bowl champion Colts will be prominently featured on NFL Network:  » Super Bowl XLI "encore" Tues., Sept. 4 at 8 p.m. ET» Debut of America's Game: 2006 Indianapolis Colts, Wed., Sept. 5 at 9 p.m. ET » NFL Opening Kickoff Concert simulcast Thurs., Sept. 6 at 8 p.m. ET » Super Bowl XLI » America's Game show page » America's Game video » Kickoff 2007 coverage |
Rodney Harrison gave us a little insight into just how he manages to keep going, year after violent year ... just as the Cowboys' quarterback coach admitted he also got a little help, um ... diagramming all those hot routes?
Lance Briggs flashed some of that $8 million franchise-tagged speed fleeing from his own Lamborghini in the middle of the night. That's what the great ones do -- they don't think, they just react. You or me? We'd still be sitting there waiting for the cops. I guess that's why we've never been invited to the Pro Bowl.
Or how 'bout big bad Joey Porter, who deployed six posse members to do his dirty work on Levi Jones, and managed to turn the oh-so-trendy Palms casino into an old school Las Vegas joke?
Okay, here you go: Back in the day, it seems that Frank Sinatra grew weary of all the jokes Shecky Green was telling at his expense and proceeded to stand by and supervise while three members of his "entourage" delivered a sound beating on the comedian outside of Caesars Palace. As Shecky used to say, "Frank Sinatra saved my life that night -- he said, 'That's enough.'"
This might explain why Porter always makes a point of taunting his opponents during pregame warm-ups, when he's sure there are plenty of officials around to break things up.
Speaking of people who don't do their own fighting, let's hear it for the artist formerly known as a human being, a.k.a. Mike Vick. Remember the good old days when Mike got sued in court for giving someone a disease? Good times, good times.
Full disclosure time: I'll admit I'm one of the billions of dog lovers who will never turn the page on his cruelty, and if any NFL owner is idiotic enough to sign him down the line, I look forward to abusing him with even more ridicule than I showered on Art Modell for breaking the heart of every Cleveland Browns fan. Seriously, how the heck do you go broke owning an NFL franchise in the modern era? That's like losing money selling meth in Iowa, but I digress ...
Back to Vick -- somehow this sadistic, damaged coward seems to have scored some points for seeming "contrite" whilst admitting his guilt. Color me a hanging judge, but what am I supposed to say to those who want to grant him a little credit for seeming sincerely remorseful as he cops a plea and kisses away tens of millions of dollars -- "Electrocute one dog, shame on me, electrocute LOTS of dogs, shame on you?"
Let's just hope he runs into his share of dog lovers in Gen-Pop ...
Toxic enough for ya? Agreed. Now it's time to break the huddle and play some games for real before the wheels come all the way off this thing.
When I got to the bathroom, I take an extra-wide stance ...
... because I'm thinking about football so hard! So hard in fact, this season the Manly House is going to be coming to you twice a week! That's right -- twice the manliness, twice the scandal, twice the insight you can only glean from this here magic bag of reverent irreverence.
So suck in that mouth guard, scratch where your hip pads are chaffing and wipe that smile off your face, 'cuz it's gonna be a street fight out there!
I'm so fired up to crack open the 2007 NFL action, I make Tim Krumrie look like Captain Pike! (For all you youngsters who have no idea what that means, Tivo Hard Knocks, then Google "Star Trek + Pike" and be sure to text me all your LOLs ... or not.)
The time has come to scroll through my iPod playlist until it lands on The Power and the Glory, the magnificent compilation of NFL Films music and narrative ... wait, what's that I hear? The swaggering elegance of The Magnificent Eleven? Oh yeah.
There is nothing left but to breath deeply though my nostrils, give an up-nod to the heavens in acknowledgement that I am just livin' the dream, and fire up a quick-snap journey around the league.
MAN-TANGIBLES: NFC EDITION
Unsubstantiated data and opinion, scooped up hot and shot from the hip with extreme prejudice. In other words, if I'm not saying what you're thinking, then you aren't really thinking.
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| Gregory Shamus / Getty Images |
| A healthy Donovan McNabb means the Eagles are serious contenders. |
NFC EAST
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
I still say Philly is the class of the division, and a healthy McNabb means the NFC championship game, at the very least. After that, we will see. I will also admit that one of my greatest regrets during my fantasy football preseason is that, to date, I have drafted six teams and I have yet to land Kevin Curtis on any of them. I am vibing big things for him in Philly. Tom Heckert and Co. keep restocking the shelves in Philly with the kind of roster balance that sneaks up on you and punches your lights out in an alley.
If you seek a study in contrasts, look no further than the sound and fury signifying nothing that is the ...
WASHINGTON REDSKINS
This time I'll keep it simple: After all these years of pumping cash at coaches, firing coaches, hiring legends, paying coordinators head coach money, and attacking the free-agent market like it's a five-pound lobster at The Palm, it all boils down to one simple fact -- THEY SHOULD BE BETTER! Until they actually are better, don't even waste your time.
DALLAS COWBOYS
Why do I always have so much to say about Dallas?!
Yes, I lived there while earning my master's degree at SMU, but I'm a Buffalo guy and they dealt us two of the worst Super Bowl gut punches imaginable, so believe me, it ain't love ... although there are some misty, water-colored memories of Greenville Avenue that sustain me to this day.
Maybe it's because one of the first NFL related TV segments I ever shot featured a young dreamer name o' Bakay wicking away terror-sweat as I interviewed Tom Landry. Sort of like cutting your teeth on Mount Rushmore. Tom, by the way, was not only kind and generous but funny, too. Still gives me goose bumps.
Or maybe it's because good, bad or in between, them Cowboys are always compelling, even if you resent the whole America's Team stuff.
This year it's all about Romo, who flashed brilliance only to fall like a rookie pitcher and look a lot worse once the league got the book on him. I'd like to see less blonde pop stars and a little more checking to his third receiver, unless he trades up to Gwen Stefani -- then who can argue?
As for the organization, I'll tell you what I think -- after years of getting skull-banged by Bill Parcells at every turn, I truly believe the Cowboys roster gives Wade Phillips a great effort this year. It's kind of like that free pass year Barry Switzer got following Jimmy Johnson into Big D. While some see him as a retread, I think Phillips is a great coach -- he'll have that Dallas D biting hard, and I maintain that he got two very strange rides in Denver and Buffalo. As a Bills fan, I note that he picked up at the end of a capped-out dynasty and still got the Bills to their last two playoff visits, only to be replaced by the braintrust of Tom Donahoe and Gregg Williams and ... gee, what's it been, the entire new millennium without a good season? Funny how that stuff creeps up on you.
Kind of reminds me of the much-maligned Wayne Fontes -- we all laughed, but Wayne took Detroit to the playoffs and what have they done since his tenure? Maybe you better put the kids to bed before you take a look at that nightmare ...
Wade even looks like a head coach -- he dropped some pounds, looks fresh, but at his core he's pure Texas, and there's always going to be a little Hank Hill in him. How the heck can't you pull for Hank Hill? His dad, Bum, is one of the most appealing coaches in league history, Wade even has a daughter who appeared in a video for My Chemical Romance. Come on! This is a guy you want good things to happen for -- even if he's the Cowboys coach!
Okay, moving on ...
NEW YORK GIANTS
Safe to say Michael Strahan just got his first bill from the kids' private school? Regardless of his status, his readiness, his pre-nup, Strahan is a metaphor for the Jints in 2007: A team that isn't sure how much it cares, with just enough talent to tease the faithful into getting their hearts broken.
This team that has spent the last three years ruled by the petulance of its players to such an extant that for the first time ever, Tom Coughlin is emerging as a sympathetic figure! Wow. That takes work, folks. Points to Eli for calling out Tiki Barber -- long overdue. Maybe it's actually the kid's team now. Even so, they might be a year or five away.
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| Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images |
| Rex Grossman struggled while under pressure from the Colts defense in Super Bowl XLI. |
NFC NORTH
CHICAGO BEARS
The entire planet is so down on Rex Grossman, he's an automatic lock for comeback player of the year. We forget how young he is, yet his teammates seem to have his back; he is cocky, he will survive.
I was sitting on a plane waiting for take-off at LAX the week after the Super Bowl, and Chicago son Jim Belushi entered, sat across the aisle from me, and was promptly questioned about his Super Bowl reaction. He just shook his head and said, "Quarterback."
Fair enough. Rex had that kind of game, what about stopping the run?! Your vaunted defense set Dominic Rhodes for life! The Bears big mystery isn't at QB, but at DT and RB. The D-line will settle down with heath and additions, but when they send a proven warrior like Thomas Jones packing, they beg questions. Why are you assuming Cedric Benson is "the man?" I have yet to see it.
That's the bad news, the good news is that Adrian Peterson is there to catch another weird Longhorn ball carrier when he falls, the schedule is a cake walk, and you can pencil the Windy City in for a serious run back to the Super Bowl.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Building ...
Not to be glib, but they will be on the grid when they earn their place on the grid. In the meantime, Minnesota, like many others, is a team you watch only when they are playing a team you care about ... or when you need a big game from their defense to nail down a big win for your fantasy football team.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Fading. Again, not to be glib, but are we kids or what?
DETROIT LIONS
A team built for greatness ... in a parallel universe called "fantasy football."
Despite head coach Rod Marinelli's defensive expertise, this team looks like Mike Martz is the favorite child. The offense has crazy weapons, including No. 2 overall pick Calvin Johnson. They will be throwing all day long under a dome with a mad genius drawing up the plays -- BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! Especially when paired with an hinky defense. It's called playing catch-up, and it is fantasy football's answer to putting out the fire with gasoline.
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| Nick Laham / Getty Images |
| Drew Brees left some unfinished business at Soldier Field in the NFC title game. |
NFC SOUTH
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Clearly, a championship offense found a way to get even better, and anyone who has ever enjoyed a lost weekend Big Easy-style is rooting for magic to repeat itself in New Orleans this year. Sean Payton took over and made magic, setting this offense on 11. Drew Brees plays like he has a chip on his elite NFL QB shoulder, and now they've added weapons. (FF Sleeper alert: Eric Johnson will be a factor at TE here!)
What's not to love? The defense. Championship caliber? No.
Good enough to keep them in the game as the most explosive point-scoring offense in the NFC works its magic? We are going to have to see. On the plus side, the rest of the NFC South is a mess, so the division title is a lock. That gives the Saints plenty of time to get their D-schemes together before the playoffs.
Case in point: another offensive juggernaut, your 2007 champs, the Colts -- who added a guy named Booger at the trade deadline and got it done.
CAROLINA PANTHERS
They may or may not fatten up with four wins over Atlanta and Tampa, but it really feels like the train left the station without the Panthers. So awesome in the Super Bowl a few years ago, then it faded on 'em. Delhomme didn't take the next step, the O-line took three steps back, the defense lost its fastball, and all of a sudden we got .500 soup.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Cadillac and Clayton tell it all -- great rookie campaigns that suddenly feel like ancient history. Garcia will steady the ship on course for the dream that is a 7-9 season ... not enough to save Gruden's hide.
ATLANTA FALCONS
New coach, new system, new QB = No chance. The best thing that can possibly happen in Atlanta this year is that the Falcons find a legal angle that gets them a shot at Vick's bonus money.
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| Streeter Lecka / Getty Images |
| This could be the year Marc Bulger and the Rams finally take back the NFC West from the Seahawks. |
NFC WEST
ST. LOUIS RAMS
How about a nice round of applause for the most improved conference in football this year? The West has been a three-foot putt for Seattle for too long, and this year I say the title goes to a new champ. Could be St. Louis, San Francisco or Arizona -- a case can be made for all, but I'm going with the Rams because I think Marc Bulger is the edge -- a vet at the top of his game in a division with two promising pups (Alex Smith, Matt Leinart) and one almost vet (Matt Hasselbeck).
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Mark my words, now that Shaun Alexander has a billion miles on him and the big contract, he will never approach his prime again. And so goes the Seattle offense -- the line is less than it was, despite the tease of his potential, Deion Branch is not a true No. 1 and Hasselbeck still tosses some Kitna-esque picks that put more L's than W's in the old column. As a small consolation, Josh Brown is a great kicker and the defense is rock solid if not spectacular.
That being said, the West title won't be wrestled away easily. Home games are a special thing in Seattle. While Kansas City has been resting on its mighty laurels, somebody built the Seahawks a stadium that turns the wind whistling through a single blade of grass into the volume of a Nazareth concert, circa 1976. Thus, Seattle's home record will once again blur reality and convince the world that they can do it on the road when it counts. They can't, and I trust you will recall this sage advice come playoff time.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
I love what Mike Nolan and the San Fran organization have built, I just fear the loss of Norv Turner at such a critical stage in Alex Smith's development. Meanwhile, the defense is poised to take the leap. Hopefully for the 49ers, TE Vernon Davis is as well. As for Frank Gore? If that hand is okay, the kid is nothing short of a lollipop. One of these years, the Niners will roar their way back to glory -- if not now, then beware of '08.
ARIZONA CARDINALS
For too many years we've seen hope grow in the desert, only to be snuffed out in the heat. The fact that Arizona will host the Super Bowl pretty much locks them out of anything significant -- I mean, home field never happens come Lombardi Trophy time.
Then again, it's the first year under Ken Whisenhunt, they will be better. Matt Leinart grows, he's got a crazy arsenal of weapons, the defense should be strong, right?
Regardless, it's safe to say we won't be hearing "The Bears are who we thought they were!" Primarily because the Cards don't play Chicago this year.
THE BIG PICTURE
Right or wrong, one thing remains sure until proven wrong: One of these teams will be served up to the AFC on a platter, only to watch its hooves get turned into glue and sold as souvenirs in Arizona.
Thursday we hit the AFC, and we hit it hard. Until then, keep your growth hormones to yourself.
